Monday, May 16, 2011

1 Girl 5 Gays Power Rankings: May

Back again for another shuffling of the 1 Girl, 5 Gays rankings. Once again, LTG, Jeff Long, and John Ramos have joined me in ranking our favorite guys of the last month. Due to two weeks of not airing new episodes, the rankings got pushed back a smidge. But we are BACK now!

The process: We all ranked our top ten (and bottom three) guys, I made a composite list, and we all made comments. Previous month's ranking in parentheses (NR = "not ranked"). NOTE: Only guys appearing in new episodes (airing on LOGO) in the past month were considered.

Previously: February, March, April

1 Girl, 5 Gays May Power Rankings

1 -- Juan (Previously 1)

So many of Juan's most lovable traits were on display this week, from his slightly sleepy casual vibe to his old-school romanticism. And I love that he said he'd sleep with Andrew over Matt Barker because he believes in forgiveness. That shit made me laugh a LOT, you guys.

"Playing Barbra for a bunch of junior high dudes? Brilliant. I wonder what Juan does when he's not on the show? I bet he's good at it. His mix of innate confidence and self-awareness is really compelling. " -- Jeff

"Even though I know people think Roger Ebert can be too much (especially on Twitter), I really liked Juan's fondness for him. Also 'Do I have mono, or am I just really lazy?' cracked me up. He can do no wrong." -- John

2 -- Jonathan S. (4)
As adorable and funny as ever. In a month with precious few laughs to be found on the show (lots of heavy argument-having among the guys!), Jonathan S was invaluable.

"I just love this guy. That he only snoops in his family's medicine cabinets shows a remarkable level of restraint. " -- Jeff

"Another one who can do no wrong. The fact that he wishes he could dance like a voguer from Paris Is Burning won the night for me. Shante, Jonathan!" -- John

"I am so in love with Jonathan S. To the point where I think he might be the one I secretly want to date." -- LTG

3 -- Ian (9)

BIG month for Ian Lynch. He really brought the personality and managed to call Jake out for being shallow, while still keeping his sense of humor. Also, that story about the hookup of his playing "Your Body Is a Wonderland," complete with allusion to Santos singing -- all winners.

"This may have been Ian's best appearance yet -- not one mention of his junk, and he was funny. I think he may be a guy who shines more in the absence of the dominating duo of Dean and Yerxa." -- LTG

"I loved his efficient dissection of Andrew when people on the panel have defended him for being "honest," and the Choose Your Own Adventure characterization of Matt Barker was spot-on." -- John

"I really admire the guys who are honest enough to admit an insecurity on the show. Ian's crying fit after seeing his exes with guys who were cuter than him was totally relatable and funny. Those guys must've been hella hot though, 'cause he's adorable. If he were a book, he'd be High Fidelity. Or maybe Angela's Ashes." -- Jeff

4 -- Jonathan N. (2)

Seriously, thank God for Jonathan on these panels. Continuing that whole "smart with a sense of humor" thing, he pulls off calling the other guys out on their b-s without sounding hectoring about it. And I really love the haircut, even if it does resemble certain seasons of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

"Sweet again. I really liked how he said he was a fan of the show and learned so much from watching it when he wasn't on it. I forget that there are as many teachable moments on this show as there are. Frankly, I learn a lot too." -- Jeff

"Still love him, but he showed signs of slipping back into CGI territory this week. At least he picked Jon Hamm over James Franco." -- John

5 -- J.P. (3)

It would annoy me on almost anyone else, but I do love how flustered and neurotic JP gets on, like, every other question. And he cried during Rabbit Hole! I feel you, girl.

"I'm a little worried about JP. He only has drunk sex and doesn't think he has any charisma, when he has more charisma than almost anyone on the panel and when it seems like all of us would gladly have sober sex with him. I don't want him to be cocky, but the hearts and flowers kind of require him to not have a low opinion of himself. Snap out of it, JP!" -- LTG

"Maybe I'm just desperate to hold on to the hearts and flowers, but I thought JP was genuinely embarrassed to say that he has charisma rather than actually thinking he doesn't have any. As for drunk sex, I agree it kind of goes with the being single territory, is all I'll say. And his distaste for the Catcher in the Rye answer was PRICELESS. Still LOVE." -- John

"The charisma moment seemed like he was really considering the question instead of dogging himself. It's kind of a silly question though, seeing as no one at MTV is going to put someone on the show if they think they're without charisma. I also appreciated his answer about Dean and Yerxa. Yes, they are glib about how stupid they think everyone is. No, I don't want to hang out with Dean except to indulge that part of myself that loves to date cold, imperious hipster assholes. But, they actually are both very smart and it is the responsibility of the people on the panel with them to assert their own views." -- Jeff

6 -- Yerxa (5)
You know, I do think it's part of Michael Yerxa's charm that he gets so strident and flip-outty about Romeo & Juliet vs. The Notebook (a tendency for which which Juan later delightfully called him out) but I have to admit, if it were anyone but Santos whom he were admonishing like a wayward grade-schooler, I'd have probably been annoyed. Tone, Yerxa! Tone.

"I'm just getting sick of his outrage. Sure, it's ridiculous to compare Romeo & Juliet to The Notebook, but plenty of people love the latter. That said, His Grindr put-down of Jake was fucking legendary. " -- Jeff

" I'm surprised that he stayed in the argument with Santos for that long -- he does seem to have trouble controlling himself. I would have thought better of him if he hadn't bothered. Still, I appreciated him throwing some shade Jake's way. It's about time." -- John

"Liked him better in his second episode this month than I have in a while. His reaction to the Barker poo story was hilarious, but his It Gets Better discussion reminded me how easily he moves from funny to smart to passionate and back again." -- John

7 -- Alex (7)
There are moments when I feel like Alex's status as The Funny One seems a lil' bit forced. Who didn't see that "ball-sweat cologne" joke coming from a mile away? But then he'll have those moments of perfectly breaking the tension, like the Forces of Nature line in the midst of Yerxa and Santos's dust-up about The Notebook and I appreciate him all the more. Plus I'm with him in choosing Santos's hair (properly cared for, of course) over Juan's.

"Can anyone answer for me why it seems that gays with a broad worldview tend to be sexual cynics? Anyway, I guess my crush on him is over. It seemed like he kind of hated Juan or something. I don't know. Weird stuff was happening. " -- Jeff

"Whatever was going on with him and Juan was definitely unenjoyable, but the Forces of Nature line was exquisitely timed, and I also liked how he would use Matt Barker's reputation as a liar for his own nefarious purposes." -- John

8 -- Jake (NR)
Rough month for Jake, really betraying his shallowness (stop showing off your guns, man!), and then saying that he relates to Whoopi among all the View women because she's "neutral." Not to mention "I'm not sure if I'm charismatic, but I always smile." Sigh. But then he kind of won me over with the level-headed real talk about herpes, plus how he called out how intimidating the Yerxa/Dean axis can be.

"Someone needs to tell Jake that you can either be a big muscle guy or you can be a super natty dresser, but you can't be both. Big guns and twee little bowties are mutually exclusive. (And Ian's shining moment may have been noting how ridiculous Jake looked in that getup.)" -- LTG

"Ugh, I hate to say it, but I think he's really just kind of a dimwit. Don't get me wrong -- I really respect what he does and felt bad for him with the story about the dying mother, and also appreciated his attempts to defuse the herpes panic. But not only being shallow about looks and worried about what his friends would think of his dates, but making me listen to a ten-minute explanation about it? " -- John

"Wow. So, he and Yerxa officially hate each other. This is great. He has a point regarding Yerxa's shaming of others for their opinions, but I think it's telling that his sexual agency was his go-to power jab (see: the pubic hair question). " -- Jeff

9 -- Santos (NR)
However much I think Alex rides the line of trying too hard, Santos ejaculates all over it. The whole thing about wanting to see God's penis ... he thinks he's being SO outrageous and he's really just missing the mark by such a great distance.

"You know, I actually thought this was his most comfortable appearance on the show. Sure, his Trembling Before G_d's Penis moment was cringe-worthy, but he actually seemed to be listening and honestly relating to some of the answers of the others on the panel. This is a huge step forward for him." -- Jeff

"His best moments were...non-verbal? Like, there were moments when he genuinely laughed at something someone else said, which was endearing. But every time he opens his mouth it's hard not to flinch in anticipation, even if the really cringey stuff is happening less often." -- John

"I'm also really glad to see that Santos is letting us see his face. For reals, I think that represents some kind of actual growth for him. " -- LTG

10 (tie) -- Simon (NR)
Seriously, this is reaching crisis point. I find him so incredibly appealing, face-wise, that I'm practically picking out china patterns, but I am STILL waiting for him to pull his wits together and say SOMETHING! I need a there there. The fact that he doesn't watch the show doesn't surprise me, and even bringing up the time Yerxa took a dig at him, he didn't really say anything about it. Take ownership of your personality, pretty face!

"I'm with you, Joe. Who the hell is he? I don't understand. You've choked someone or you haven't. Is there that much nuance in his actual experience that he doesn't have words for it?" -- Jeff

"Yeesh. Spit as lube all the time? He made me side with Andrew there." -- John

"Simon, if you're using spit as lube all the time, you're doing sex wrong. because that stuff dries up way too fast. " -- LTG

10 (tie) -- Andrew (NR)
I can't believe Simon's dithering on the "have you ever choked someone" question allowed for Andrew to look good by pressing him to give an answer. Don't worry, though, Andrew's still awful. Have you noticed how often he bases his answers on superficial shit like race? It's like that's as far as his insights into people are allowed to go. Also, put the nipple away, it's not that cute. Also, that story about his dad and the dead dog was HORRIFYING.

"This is weird, but...despite the pretty solid feeling that I wouldn't want to hang out with him, Andrew was kind of the anchor. Fine, he brought up the race thing a little too much, but he's super young and he's at least making baby steps towards the planet Empathetica. And, even though he may not watch the show when he's not on it, I think the experience (and probably the hate he receives online) is clearly helping him grow as a person." -- Jeff

"I'll admit I didn't find him quite as objectionable. Or at least I found some explanation for the way he is, because that story about his father walking the dead dog was about the most horrifying thing I've ever heard." -- John

Also receiving votes: David, Philip, Dean, Ralph


DuchessKitty said...

I can't tell you how much I forward to these posts each month.
When April ended up being a dud month for new eps, I wasn't sure if you were even going to do it.
Just like last month, my opinions almost complete match Jeff's. I swear, if I were a gay man...

Brandi said...

I too look forward to these posts. I pretty much agree with this post but I think I dislike Jake more than everyone else. He's not my favorite but I think he just seems uncomfortable with being in the public eye to a degree (yet not uncomfortable enough not to be on the show). I like him.

But I need Jonathan S. to me by best friend because that man is awesome and amazing. He's hilarious but not cruel. I agree that his limited snooping shows amazing restraint.

Also: I would love to have Jonathan N. as my big brother. Which is weird, because he's younger than me by a few years.

Finally, I'm not a fan of JP. In earlier episodes of the show I really liked him but as the show went on, he just seemed really boring and smug. And, while I know he has a dry sense of humor, his humor seems to have disappeared.

Texasboy said...

I think that Juan is a pretentious a-hole. I don't think that he adds
very much to the show.