Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Winter Olympics '10, Men's Figure Skating Liveblog
All right, y'all. AB Chao and I have time-shifted by about an hour and a half, which should give us enough of a cushion to FF past the filler without having to waste a moment of our commentary on losers who can't hit a double toe-loop. Comment along with us -- I'll try to update fairly regularly, so just refresh this post for further commentary.
AB Chao: SKATE!
AB Chao: I'd like to begin by commenting on Plushenko's hair.
Joe: OMG for real.
Wait, have you started watching?
AB Chao: I just started.
Joe: OK me too.
AB Chao: Joe, he is doing aerobics.
Joe: You're starting from the beginning, yes?
AB Chao: Yes. Mine started by showing Plushenko warming up. He looks like a sad Louisiana redneck.
Joe: His face is so unfortunate.
No wonder he wears his hair so shaggy.
AB Chao: His hair is bi-layered.
Not to be confused with bi-curious or bi-lingual.
Joe: I totally thought he had retired; he dominated the 2006 Olympics so thoroughly, I was kind of happy he'd be out of the picture here.
AB Chao: I wish he had retired, but I think he made some kind of Sasha Cohen comeback.
Joe: OMG this Brazilian French kid [ed note: Florent Amodio] is so cute.
AB Chao: OK but how many bad things have happened to him?
"Adopted by a French family as an infant..."
Joe: Disease. Famine.
AB Chao: "He was born with no feet and doctors surgically attached them."
Joe: He is seriously four feet tall.
That's not a fake ailment.
AB Chao: Osgood Schlatner disease.
That is made up.
Joe: I hope so.
AB Chao: That's when you see dead people on Priceline.
Joe: So not to take away from Frenchie's skating.
But we should maybe mention why we're doing this foolishness in the first place.
AB Chao: You mean, because of ... our boyfriend?
AB Chao: I'm sorry, I mean MY BOYFRIEND.
MY BOYFRIEND JOHNNY WEIR.
Joe: We share him, like April's two gay boyfriends on Parks and Recreation.
AB Chao: Right, I forgot.
Joe: Because I have loved Johnny Weir for many years.
Back when he was causing ruckus with his Soviet zip-up hoodies.
AB Chao: CCCP forever!
The real reason we're here is because Johnny needs to be vindicated from NBC's scurrilous coverage of him.
It was bad enough they did Conan wrong.
But they seriously slight Johnny at every turn.
AB Chao: No, they have their heads all the way up that jackhole Lysacek's ass.
Joe: Which: don't get me started. Watch Be Good, Johnny Weir, people.
Click below for the full liveblog!
AB Chao: You WILL know. Why aren't more people watching that show, BTW?
It's an actual documentary.
Joe: Who knows where Sundance Channel is?
AB Chao: Let me also say this at the outset: Shut up, Scott Hamilton.
You know he hates Johnny real bad.
Joe: All the Figure Skating Establishment seems to hate Johnny.
Except Kurt Browning.
AB Chao: Kurt Browning loves him!
Joe: So are you drinking your champagne?
In Johnny's honor?
AB Chao: OK, I almost don't want to tell you what happened to my champagne because you will make fun of me.
But...my housekeeper poured it out.
So sorry, Baroness!
AB Chao: Shut up! It didn't have a cork!
Joe: That is some nonprofessional champagne drinking.
AB Chao: He thought it was trash. So I have had to drink wine.
Joe: Oh this is some pale Austrian we've got here. [ed note: Viktor Pfeifer]
Skating to some very familiar-sounding chamber music.
AB Chao: He is clearly Austria's answer to RPattz.
Skate, little vampire! SKATE!
Joe: I hesitate to ask, because the last time I inquired as to the identity of a piece of orchestral music on TV, the answer turned out to be "Rhapsody in Blue."
He IS very RPatz.
AB Chao: No, this is something we should know.
Like, maybe I played it at a piano recital once.
I am unimpressed with Austrian RPattz.
Joe: Yeah he's okay
Seriously, Plushenko is SO SCARY.
"Fueled in part by his critics and oponents who doubted him."
WHO the FUCK would doubt this guy? He was pretty much unbeatable.
AB Chao: Is the song Moonlight Sonata?
Joe: ohhhh maybe probably
AB Chao: I had an Everwood flashback, and I think that's what it is.
[ed note: I told that story completely wrong. The last time I couldn't recognize a piece of orchestral music it was, in fact, "Moonlight Sonata." Which it also was during Austrain RPattz's routine. So that's twice now I've failed to recognize the same piece of super-famous classical Beethoven music. This time while telling the story of the first time. I am not cultured.]
AB Chao: See?!
"11 months ago!"
He is so Sasha Cohen.
Oh a fluff piece.
Joe: I love that we have an Evil Russian on the Olympic scene again.
AB Chao: Haaaa. "They afraid, a little bit."
Joe: Even this music is very Angels & Demons Illuminati.
AB Chao: Please, please, let him star in an ice skating remake of White Nights.
(Joe is furiously Googling White Nights because he is 8 years old)
Joe: I know it!
Was that the one with Robby Benson?
AB Chao: GOD.
No, that was Ice Castles.
Joe: DAMN IT
AB Chao: White Nights is the one with Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines.
Joe: Which one was "Looking Through the Eyes of Love"?
AB Chao: Ice Castles.
Why do I know so much about Ice Castles?
AB Chao: I don't know!
White Nights is "Say You, Say Me."
(Joe Googles more)
Joe: YES I KNOW THAT ONE
AB CHAO: Aw, shit! Plushenko's on.
here we go
AB CHAO: He is NOT PLAYING
Joe: But first: Canada.
AB CHAO: Oh, Canada.
Where's our boy?
Joe: I don't know, but Canada Boy [ed note: Vaughn Chipeur] just fell
AB CHAO: Wait, I missed his name and it sounds like they called him "Bon Chigger."
Is that French?
Joe: I missed the name too.
AB CHAO: There is something bad on the back of his shirt.
Joe: Kurt Browning choreographed him. Sad he's not doing so well.
AB CHAO: Aw, Kurt.
Joe: Yes, it's like a mural made out of colored sequins.
AB CHAO: He's cute, too.
Ooh, bad fall.
Joe: There really is a lot of electric guitar in this routine.
AB CHAO: You know Kurt Browning is way into metal.
Joe: I'm a smidge ahead of you, tell me when he's done
AB CHAO: OK.
All caught up.
Joe: Good, But: poor kid.
AB CHAO: I swear, I am so country. "Chigger."
Joe: Girl, you have got to stop.
(sorry, I'm coming down from a RuPaul's Drag Race episode, I'm all "girl"s and "please"s)
AB CHAO: You know where you get chiggers? In your bed. At the huntin' camp.
Joe: That is seriously country.
AB CHAO: I know. I apologize.
Joe: FINALLY Plushenko time.
AB CHAO: I mean, he's this scary Russian and he is in the Olympics. Why didn't anyone tell him to shave, DAMN?
Oh God. I'm scared.
Joe: There's a little Ephram Brown there, speaking of "Moonlight Sonata."
AB CHAO: FALL FALL
Aw, Ephram. Sniff.
Joe: He seriously looks like a sorcerer.
AB CHAO: He IS one. An eeeeeevil Russian sorcerer.
Why is he so jerky?
Joe: I dunno, but I'm kinda glad we have him.
AB CHAO: What is he doing with his hands?
Joe: We need our evil Russian villains.
AB CHAO: It's making me nervous.
I think he just put a curse on you.
Joe: Casting spells!
His cat, Gargamel, is cheering for him in the stands.
AB CHAO: That's the second Gargamel joke I've heard today, oddly.
And that's IT?
That little Tiger Woods fist pump?
Yes, maybe Plushenko put a spell on the WORLD.
Joe: Certainly on Scott Hamilton.
AB CHAO: I know. Ass Kiss.
Johnny would COVET Plushenko's warmup jacket.
Joe: For serious
Joe: Oooh, Dick Button is not quite so impressed by Lord Plushenko
AB Chao: I love him. He is not any kind of ass-kisser like SH.
Joe: He just said "folderol"
AB Chao: I wonder why Dick Button (who has the best name ever, BTW) isn't commentating.
Joe: I know!
Another NBC fuckup.
AB Chao: Probs because I have actually heard him say nice things about Johnny Weir before.
I think we should have a nickname for him.
AB Chao: No, for Johnny. But D Buttz is awesome.
J. Weir. Weirsie.
Joe: I like Weirsie
AB Chao: D Buttz! HA! (Still laughing about that.)
Joe: OMG once AGAIN Johnny gets no pub on the bumpers!
AB Chao: I TOLD YOU!
Joe: Who do you think all the fags watching this came to see??
AB Chao: Since opening ceremonies they have fucked him.
And all the girls who love fags.
AB Chao: (Me)
AB Chao: Who has two thumbs and is a ladyfag?
AB Chao: Ok let me fwd past the dumb snowboarding
Joe: Okay, I think we have to/get to FF some snowboarding now.
AB Chao: JINX
YOU OWE ME A COKE
AB CHAO: Gross. I did not need to see this guy's ACL.
Joe: Ew, where are you?
AB CHAO: The Chinese guy?
Joe: Okay wait, I need to catch up.
AB CHAO: HAHAHAAAA he is Japanese. [ed note: Daisuke Takahashi]
I need not remind you that I have been married to an actual Chinese guy for 10 years.
Joe: OK I am just starting the segment now
AB CHAO: Insert "they all look alike" joke here.
Joe: This is why I say "Asian," AB
So I don't look a fool
AB CHAO: Noted.
The Asian guy is about to skate.
Does he look a little like MJ to you?
Joe: The costume does not help
AB CHAO: With the frills and the tiny waist?
Joe: Epaulets made of glitter?
AB CHAO: Right.
I find it so endearing that you know what epaulets are.
Joe: Do you think this is what counts as masculine in figure skating?
Because he's got shoulder pads and is skating to paso doble music?
AB CHAO: I think it does.
And God forbid anyone would think a male figure skater were in the least way feminine. PASO!
Joe: I love that his name is Dice-K, like the baseball player.
AB CHAO: Or a Chinese rapper.
Joe: He even did the Paso hand motion at the end!
AB CHAO: I saw!
Joe: What a cutie.
AB CHAO: But the more masculine men would NEVER do any kind of hand motion. Or be graceful.
Joe: OMG this Swiss boy [ed note: Stephane Lambiel]
With the Shakespearian costume.
AB Chao: He is fully wearing an outfit he found in his middle school's theatre department.
AB Chao: And I do believe that his skates are BLACK PATENT LEATHER.
AB Chao: They are boot skates!
Joe: Oh I do kinda remember him from Torino.
They ARE boot skates.
AB Chao: Yeah, me too. Or from Be Good Johnny Weir?
Joe: This bitch is feeeeeerce.
AB Chao: Skate boots. They're Skoots.
Sad little double Axel.
OH! Went down on the quad toe.
The skoots are impeding him!
Joe: My legs weep at the muscles needed to grind that axel out, though.
AB Chao: No kidding. Skaters always have so much back.
Get ready for an "insane" foot sequence.
Joe: OMG those SPINS!
AB Chao: That was pretty good.
He is cute. And sweet looking.
Joe: I know, I feel bad he stumbled.
"The greatest strength for these men is a lack of weakness." Shut up, Scott.
AB Chao: Cram it sideways, Scott.
AB CHAO: Ooh, that's pretty low scores for Lambiel.
Joe: Personal Best, AB!
AB CHAO: OK! Personal best! That's good.
And now, another...Asian. [ed. note: Nobunari Oda]
Joe: Oh man, he looks adolescent.
Like a gymnast.
AB CHAO: Yes.
His costume looks like his teammate's costume had a baby.
Joe: Wait, he has his own SuperNintendo game?
Did I hear that right?
AB CHAO: Japanese people will make a game out of anything.
AB CHAO: "Super Double Fantasy Tooth Brushing!"
I am a racist.
"eXXXXtreme Lovely Rice EATER!"
Disclaimer: I do not know this lady.
AB CHAO: Tea Make to the MAXXXXX!
Joe: This music feels like it's eternally 2 seconds away from becoming the beginning to "It's Raining Men."
AB CHAO: Good spins, though.
Well done, SuperTerriffic Eleven Year Old Child!
AB CHAO: YOU ARE RACIST TOO!
Joe: Damn it!
AB CHAO: Mary Carillo is about to introduce some kid.
Patrick Chen. A fluff piece. Is he Chinese or WHAT?
Joe: You are gonna find a Chinese kid one day soon,
AB CHAO: HA, NO, he's Canadian.
Joe: He is CANADIAN
AB CHAO: Who has two thumbs, is married to a Chinese person, and is racist?
Joe: Mary Carillo is my favorite lesbian puff piece reporter.
AB CHAO: She is amazing. Did you see her in those tennis togs?
Joe: And this Canadian Not Chinese boy is cuuuute
AB CHAO: He is. Super cute.
OK. He is adorbs.
Joe: Marinate on that as we FF past some snowboarding
Joe: Can we stay paused for a moment?
AB Chao: Yes.
Joe: And discuss Johnny's outfit?
AB Chao: Yes.
What would you like to discuss?
Joe: The hot pink trim is taking my breath away.
AB Chao: Why Joe, I do believe you're smitten.
Joe: Also, we should explain Galina.
To the uninitiated.
AB Chao: Right, so Johnny had a wonderful coach for years and years and years, but he is a huge Russophile, so he went out and got himself a Russian coach who yells at him in Russian and I think it kind of makes him feel special.
BTW, she also used to coach...
Joe: Yes. And she is easily identifiable by her no-nonsense Hillary Rodham Clinton haircut and the pomegranate stains on her her thick Russian fingers.
AB Chao: Correct.
Joe: Okay, unpausing for Brian Joubert (of France).
AB Chao: Ok.
Joe: He is not Chinese.
AB Chao: Oh, Galina coached Oksana Baiul, who is Johnny's inspiration for skating.
Which I love. Talk about a shot-of-vodka, line-of-coke type girl.
AB Chao: Fer realz.
Joubert is Chinese-French, right?
Talk about Ephram Brown.
Joubert is totes Gregory Smith in sparkles.
Joe: oof, flubbed that quad toe
AB Chao: Do you do that face when they fall?
Joe: Where is Gregory Smith? Maybe he DID become a Chonese-French figure skater?
AB Chao: He is on a show!
AB Chao: A show I cannot remember the name of.
And also I think it may be an internet show.
Joubert is losing it.
Joe: Yeah, he's been reduced to just running on the ice
AB Chao: Bo-ring.
I want Johnny.
Where is Weirsie??
AB Chao: AW!
Joe: Sorry, Brian Joubert of France/China.
AB Chao: Bring on our man.
OK, this next skater is Asian. And is wearing some CRAZINESS. [ed. note: Takahiko Kozuka]
Right after I typed that Scott Hamilton goes "Great shirt." He would think that.
I mean, first of all, the "great shirt" is made of snakes, demons, and despair.
I notice you're not going out on a limb.
AB Chao: I AM NOT A RACIST
I will say that his pants have been puffy-painted to look like jeans.
Joe: They have!
AB Chao: I gotta be honest, some of these skaters could use some Crest WhiteStrips.
Joe: Also, I think Tom Hammond and Scott Hamilton stepped out for a smoke during that routine.
A la Simon Cowell.
AB Chao: WEIRSIE!
Sorry, I just saw him walking.
Do you think after he reads this live-blog, he will love us?
Joe: Why wouldn't he??
We gave him awesome nicknames.
We hate his nemesis.
AB Chao: We do not like Asians.
Joe: We are also very disappointed with his wayward roommate, Paris.
AB Chao: SO disappointed in Paris.
I feel that Paris has a meth habit.
Joe: Who the eff is this Lumberjack Jack here? [ed. note: Samuel Contesti]
AB Chao: I heard he was Italian?!?
Oh, born in France, became an Italian.
Joe: He's from Italy. Is this like if you or I dressed up like a matador or something?
AB Chao: That still does not explain the jeans.
Joe: Or the theme from "Roseanne" as his music.
AB Chao: Excuse me, but I think I just bought that shirt from American Eagle.
And I bought those overalls from Chiggertown.
Joe: You can't skate in OVERALLS
AB Chao: You can if you're French/Chinese/Italian!
HIS BACK POCKET IS PLAID.
Joe: I think this is all secretly a 1-piece.
AB Chao: Well, he fell on his overall.
Joe: This is insulting to Americans.
This is like us saying "Spicy Meat-a-ball!"
except in the form of a short program
AB Chao: Insulting to good Americans who wear overalls for REAL.
Joe: PATRICK CHAN!
AB Chao: CHEN.
Joe: I am suddenly rooting for him.
AB Chao: (vince forgives you)
Joe: Clip package on Canadian skaters throughout history.
Elvis Stojko is a douche
I like Canada better for Kurt Browning
AB Chao: Elvis Stojko can kiss my Patrick Chen.
AB Chao: He is the one who ruined male figure skating with all his machismo bullshit.
Shut up forever, Elvis Stojko.
Joe: Oh no! Chen Fall!
AB Chao: Noooo!
Well, what is he, 12? He has lots of years left.
He got close to that wall, didn't he?
Joe: Damn, but he is still good.
Did you see that high kick?
AB Chao: Still really good.
Joe: He might be my successor to Weirsie.
Joe: Boitano begat Baiul begat Weir begat Chen
AB Chao: Brill.
He's got a little bit of the crazy eye.
Oh. Hello, Weirsie.
Are you watching Johnny Weir drink a bottle of water?
Because I am.
I wish we had time to tell the people the story of when you acted as a human dressing room for me in Uniqlo.
Joe: Tell the story, while I post.
Speaking of cute little weird Asian things.
AB Chao: OK. So one time I was in New York, and I made Joe go to Uniqlo with me. But it was really crowded and all of the dressing rooms had really long lines, so I made Joe stand in a corner, with his arms outstretched, while I tried on clothes behind him. And then I bought all of the clothes in Uniqlo, the end.
Joe: Okay, Chen is over, Johnny skating to the center
AB Chao: WEIRSIE!
Sorry, this is just gonna be a bunch of exclamations.
He is so beautiful.
Joe: He really is.
AB Chao: WOO!
Joe: Honestly, if he didn't skate so well, I wouldn't be so queer for him.
Oh he NAILED that combo!
AB Chao: I love watching him skate better than anyone.
I will watch this over and over again.
AB Chao: I am typing this without looking.
Because I am looking at Johnny.
Notice how Scott H is SILENT
Joe: Oh he is WORKING it.
AB Chao: KISS IT HAMILTON!!!!!!
It's like when the Saints won.
WHO DAT, LYSACEK?
Joe: Fuck yes.
AB Chao: THAT WAS AMAZING
Whatever, all Scott Hamilton can say is "He rocked the tassel?!?"
Joe: OMG did you throw that heart pillow?
AB Chao: Yes.
Do you like it?
Check out Galina's CRAZY fur.
You know that's somehow some real Russian animal.
Joe: Man, I really hate this condescending "he finally respects the game" crap.
He has ALWAYS shown respect on the ice, bitches
AB Chao: He HAS!
That was the shit.
I am so happy.
I am sorry but I love how he speaks Russian.
Joe: ...Okay those scores are some bullshit
AB Chao: 5th place is bullshit.
He is still happy.
Joe: Whatever, that was better to watch than anyone else's so far.
And now Evan can go and get his bronzer all over everything.
AB Chao: Fucking Lysacek and his weird shoulder pads.
I think at this point this is less a liveblog and more a sex blog.
Joe: We are ChatRoulette, only every time you click it's still us, loving Johnny Weir.
AB Chao: HA. We are Johnny Weir ChatRoulette.
AB Chao: Rewind: fluff piece on Lysacek and Abbott. But not Weir.
Okay, let's watch this bullshittery.
AB Chao: Poor Jeremy Abbott looks like Poor Man's Eminem on here.
While they somehow make Lysacek look like a god.
Even though he is, as you said earlier, a douche-and-a-half.
Joe: Seriously, this puff piece. What is this back-lit, gritty locker rooms macho foolishness?
U.S. Figure Skating is pathological.
AB Chao: And all DETERMINATION behind them in gothic letters.
Like it's a Clint Eastwood movie.
Joe: Situps! Black clothing! Medicine balls!
AB Chao: Anything to avoid the pansy-boy in pink elastic.
Joe: Can't hide those sibilant "s" sounds, boys
AB Chao: ssssssibliance!
AB Chao: Oh, a skeleton. [ed. note: Kevin van der Perren]
AB Chao: This might be sad.
Joe: Let's ignore the tragic Belgian skeleton.
And explain why we hate Evan Lysacek so.
It's not just the bronzer.
AB Chao: It's not the bronzer at all.
I could get past the bronzer.
It's the smug all over him.
And OK, the homo-denial hetero thing.
The "I dated Tanith Belbin for 5 years" thing.
Am I wrong?
Joe: Well and it's just the way U.S. Figure Skating tries to lionize him as the Great Hetero Hope
Which: dubious, but even if it wasn't, it's gross.
AB Chao: Right, it's disgusting.
Joe: And he's said some suuuuper bitchy things to/about Johnny, and only Johnny gets called out for being bitchy.
AB Chao: He's way more bitchy than Johnny, actually, but he just gets called "competitive." While Johnny gets called a poor sport.
So we hate him.
AB Chao: Also, I hate his ass face. The end.
AB Chao: Then commercials.
Are you on the sad little Czech kid who is somehow wearing a French sailor outfit? [ed. note: Tomas Verner]
Joe: OK I am ready and waiting with the little Dutch Boy
Czech, yes; the kerchief remains the same
attempting a quad at some point
AB Chao: I think I just bought that outfit from J. Crew.
Joe: you would look really good in this outfit, Anna Beth
AB Chao: Well, I hope so, because I'm pretty sure I bought it. But his jeans are not real.
Joe: Aaaaand he biffed the quad
AB Chao: Why can't Scott Hamilton ever shut up?
Joe: We need to get D-Buttz to take over.
AB Chao: D-Buttz got screwed.
Joe: Also, this music is, I think, from a movie about a big fat Greek wedding.
AB Chao: Well, obvs. This routine is about a big fat Czech French Dutch Greek Chinese boy.
Joe: I see zaftig first-generation Americans running to and fro.
AB Chao: GAH. Guess who's next.
Shoulder Pads Lysacek.
AB Chao: Sometimes I ask people to jump up my ass, Joe. And I know it's not nice, or classy, but I can't help it.
And I'd like to invite Evan Lysacek to jump straight up my ass.
Joe: I'll allow it.
AB Chao: I hate his outfit.
Joe: Are those feathers on his gloves? WHO IS HE KIDDING?
AB Chao: Yes.
Vera Wang designed this outfit.
HADN'T YOU HEARD?
Joe: omg Scott Hamilton's hard-on for this guy is so gross
AB Chao: I done tole you girl
AB Chao: How old is Frank Carroll?
Joe: who is that even?
AB Chao: The Crypt Keeper sitting next to Lysacek in the kiss and cry.
Joe: Oh you're ahead of me
AB Chao: Oh GOD Scott Hamilton shut the frak up.
Joe: How was that routine harder than Johnny's?
AB Chao: It wasn't.
It was more MANLY I guess.
Joe: Come ON.
AB Chao: Oh, I'm sure those are real tears.
Joe: Those shoulder ruffles are so offensive.
No, he's so totally fake.
AB Chao: He's such a disappointment to me as a person.
Joe: "THAT'S how it's done."
SHUT UP, Hamilton.
Evan is actually tenting his fingers in front of his face!
The world's most insincere gesture!!
AB Chao: I know!
AB Chao: Aw, Jeremy Abbott. Using some weird Beatles thing.
AB Chao: wait.
why is double lutz a huge error?
Joe: I think it was supposed to be a triple?
It looked like he shorted it.
AB Chao: Oh, looks like it should have been a triple.
He's falling apart. Poor baby!
While George Harrison's guitar gently weeps.
AB Chao: I feel bad for him because he is tiny and he's dressed all in purple.
AB Chao: Aw damn. That was bad.
Even dummy Scott Hamilton is speechless.
Wah! He is crying!
He's such a baby he has acne.
AB Chao: OK. Do we really care about anyone else?
Joe: Not really.
AB Chao: Poor kid here. Puttin' on the Ritz for no one. [ed. note: Michal Brezina of the Czech Republic]
Joe: And I am tired.
AB Chao: Same.
Thanks for sticking with us through this, guys! We'll be back with a wrap-up of the long program on Friday morning.