Saturday, October 10, 2009

Smooth Joey Apollo's 2009 NFL Picks: Week 5

Last Week:
Aaron 9-5
Joe 8-6

Season to Date:
Joe 42-20
Aaron 39-23


WEEK 5

Cincinnati at Baltimore

Aaron: Last week's Ravens/Pats Brady-biased officiating crew accomplished two things: (1) handing the Patriots a win and (2) pissing the Ravens off. And, we all know what Ray Lewis is (allegedly) capable of when he's pissed off. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: So look for Ray Lewis to watch his fellow defenders make plays while he rats them out to the officials? (Oh, go to Wikipedia if you don't get it.) Pick: Baltimore


Cleveland at Buffalo

Aaron: Good thing the Raiders are still in the league. Right, Joe! Joe? Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Clearly, I got greedy last week. Pick: Cleveland


Washington at Carolina

Aaron: Both teams are coming off a bye week, except the Redskins actually played a game vs. Tampa Bay. What? Oh, it's just as funny as those "Bye Week (-7) vs. Bad NFL Team" spreads that appear in Bill Simmons's column twice a year. Pick: Carolina

Joe: The 'Skins came far too close to losing to those Bye Week Bucs last week. Pick: Carolina


Pittsburgh at Detroit

Aaron: Two downtrodden industrial cities equally represented by a world champion team and a band of lovable losers. Is ESPN's NFL Countdown show planning on cloning Chris Connelly so that he can file soft-focus features on both locales? Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Pittsburgh is not a good enough team that they can afford to look past the Lions. Which speaks as ill of the Steelers as it does of Detroit. Pick: Pittsburgh


Dallas at Kansas City

Aaron: We've reached the point where this probably shouldn't even be considered an upset, anymore. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: Damn you, Cameron. This was supposed to be MY not-even-considered-and-upset special! Well...maybe. Pick: Dallas


Oakland at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: If JaMarcus Russell starts all 16 games at QB for the Raiders, I'm done. I took Randy Moss. I took the benching of Marcus Allen. I took Art Shell the Sequel. I'm not taking this. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Readers, this man's team was last in a Super Bowl in 2002. Temper your pity appropriately. Pick: NY Giants


Tampa Bay at Philadelphia

Aaron: The Eagles aren't really bringing back Donovan McNabb against a doormat like Tampa Bay are they? Why not next week, when they're playing...oh, Oakland. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Better to let him get healthy by feeding on the pre-chewed carcass of the Bucs. That's just nature at its grossest/finest. Pick: Philadelphia


Minnesota at St. Louis

Aaron: Brett Favre is going to play forever. It's time we just accept it. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: This would be such a no-brainer letdown game if Minnesota weren't playing a team of zombies. And not the fast, tough 28 Days Later zombies either. The "Thriller" zombies who just want to shuffle slowly and dance. Pick: Minnesota


Atlanta at San Francisco

Aaron: I've barely been following the now-resolved Michael Crabtree saga, so I need to know: has MC Hammer always been involved in this storyline? If not, I won't bother scouring the archives. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Wait, is MC Hammer taking up sides AGAINST the Atlanta Falcons? And a follow-up: When does the FOX NFL Sunday crew interview the Real Housewives of Atlanta about all their football-playing ex-husbands? Call me crazy, but Terry Bradshaw and Kim Zolciak would be a match made in heaven. Pick: Atlanta


New England at Denver

Aaron: Last week, I called Denver a fraud and thought the Ravens would disembowel the Patriots. Might as well keep the "I end up being wrong" streak alive. Pick: Denver

Joe: Just because Tony Romo's arm had a nervous breakdown last week doesn't mean Denver's not a fraud. Save for one big play, they could barely move the ball against a bad defense. Pick: New England


Jacksonville at Seattle

Aaron: The one constant with Jacksonville is that whatever happens, I'll pick the wrong week to start/bench David Garrard on my fantasy team. Pick: Seattle

Joe: I think this is one of those weird games where I just throw up my hands and go with the best player on the field. Make me look good, Maurice Jones-Drew. Pick: Jacksonville


Houston at Arizona

Aaron: Y'see, starting David Garrard IS an option when Houston's Matt Schaub is your other fantasy QB. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Wait, you've got Matt Schaub and you're tormented whether you should start David Garrard? I want those kinds of problems. Pick: Houston


Indianapolis at Tennessee

Aaron: How long before the Titans consider breaking Vince Young out of Arkham Asylum for one last chance? The fact that VY wouldn't be worse than JaMarcus Russell makes my heart sad. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Sometimes I think about what a sad-sack franchise the Colts were during the Bills Super Bowl years and I get sad. Then I get hopeful. Then I get sad again. Pick: Indianapolis


N.Y. Jets at Miami

Aaron: Miami's coming off a bye week, except they played an actual game against Buffa...whoa, wait. Already used that gag. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: JaMarcus Russell. JaMarcus Russell. JaMarcus Russell. Wait, the theme isn't "Gags Cam's Repeated"? Pick: NY Jets

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