Sunday, September 20, 2009

Smooth Joey Apollo's 2009 NFL Picks: Week 2

Last Week's Results:
Joe: 13-3
Aaron: 12-4

Week 2:

Carolina at Atlanta

Aaron: I don't want to oversell this. Really, I don't. But, Panthers QB Jake Delhomme might be the worst thing to come out of Carolina since Rae Carruth was found hiding in the trunk of a car in Nashville. Trust me, just Google him. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: It's the fact that he's not coming out of Carolina that seems to be their problem. Pick: Atlanta

New Orleans at Philadelphia
Aaron: Saints QB Drew Brees is doing a damn fine impersonation of 1984 Dan Marino. Eagles fill-in QB Kevin Kolb is more Koy Detmer. The '84 Dolphins went 14-2. The '09 Saints won't. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: I like this new "random facts, tied together with numerous loose ends" approach to NFL analysis. Evolve or die, Ron Jaworski! Pick: New Orleans

Houston at Tennessee
Aaron: I'm not ready to commit to the Titans after an impressive showing vs. Pittsburgh last week. I am, however, SO ready to set fire to the Texans bandwagon after the Jets punched Houston in the mouth on Sunday. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: The ease with which the Steelers were able to carve up the Titans secondary has to concern them a bit, yes? Pick: Tennessee

Minnesota at Detroit
Aaron: Dear Detroit…stack the defensive line and force Old Man Favre to beat you with his withered arm. If this option were available, I'm sure it would've worked in Nintendo's Super Tecmo Bowl. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Another week, another excuse for me to chicken out of calling the Lions' historic "dirst win in many, many games." Damn you, Peterson! Pick: Minnesota

New England at N.Y. Jets
Aaron: I might've mentioned this on Twitter, but's Bill Simmons – a diehard d-bag Pats fan – said that there were three fanbases who took football too seriously: Packers, Raiders and Bills. Super Bowl XLII, Pats fans. WFAN, Jets fans. Pick: New England

Joe: If the Bills' heartbreaking loss to the Pats on Monday was good for anything (it wasn't), it would be that it gives the rest of the NFL to cop an attitude other than "pants-shitting deference" in regards to America's New Team. Pick: New England

Arizona at Jacksonville
Aaron: University of Florida QB Tim Tebow is originally from Jacksonville. My theory is that the residual faith in Jesus Tebow left behind in J'ville is stronger than Kurt Warner's occasionally publicized and oft-underreported faith in Our Lord. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: The Cards and Jags tend to play weird, out of character games against the Niners and Colts, respectively, so it's not like we can glean anything useful. I'll err on the side of Jesus the best player on the field, Larry Fitz. Pick: Arizona

Oakland at Kansas City
Aaron: We had an agreement, Raiders. You were going to suck and I was going to settle in for a sports fan's nuclear winter until pitchers and catchers report next February. Don't, Oakland. Don't make me give a damn about you guys. You'll break my heart and I'll love you even more. Just…don't. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: Come on, Heartbreaker Raiders! Pick: Oakland

St. Louis at Washington
Aaron: Last year, an awful 0-4 Rams team went into Washington and defeated the Redskins, 19-17. This year's Rams are even worse, so does that mean they'll win by more? No, moron, it does not. Pick: Washington

Joe: Two different 0-16 teams in back-to-back years? YES WE CAN! (And with that, we as a society will officially reture "Yes We Can.") Pick: Washington

Cincinnati at Green Bay
Aaron: Are we, as a country, ready to come to grips with the possibility that maybe – just maybe – Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco aren't ever going to be as good as they used to be? This whole "physical skills erode as you get older" is a very real phenomenon, people. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Cincy played so goddamn poorly last week that they can't even bitch about getting beat by the single luckiest play in the history of the NFL. Pick: Green Bay

Tampa Bay at Buffalo
Aaron: Are you ready to talk about last Monday night, Mr. Reid? Pick: Buffalo

Joe: No. Pick: Tampa Bay

Seattle at San Francisco
Aaron: By this time next year, I predict we'll be seeing 49ers coach Mike Singletary yukking it up in one of those Coors Light fake press conference commercials. Pick: Seattle

Joe: The battle for NFC West supremacy (and NFL mediocrity) begins NOW! Pick: Seattle

Pittsburgh at Chicago
Aaron: For years, pundits have been making excuses for the consistent mediocrity of teams led by QB Jay Cutler. It's the defense, the coaching or the dysfunctional culture. Alternate theory: Cutler's an assh*le and none of his teammates have his back. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Still seems pretty stupid of Brian Urlacher to injure himself just to spite Jay Cutler, though. Pick: Pittsburgh

Cleveland at Denver
Aaron: Sorry, Broncos…one fluky last-minute win against an equally awful squad does not convince me. Devour this cupcake and then we'll talk. Pick: Cleveland

Joe: What a terrible matchup. Remember the heyday of this rivalry? The Catch! The Drive! Bernie Kosar must be rolling in his grave. Rolling and not finding an open receiver and taking a sack. Pick: Denver

Baltimore at San Diego
Aaron: I've gotten so used to Chargers RB Ladanian Tomlinson standing motionless on the sidelines n' contributing nil in January that I didn't know what to do when he assumed his usual playoff spot in Week #1! Hoping for 15 more weeks of this! So giddy! Pick: San Diego

Joe: Your complete disregard for LT's talent makes me assume you wouldn't change this pick knowing that he's out for the game. Pick: Baltimore

N.Y. Giants at Dallas
Aaron: It's the heavily-hyped lid-lifter for the Cowboys new bazillion dollar stadium. Here's hoping for several tight shots from NBC's Sunday Night cameras on Dallas owner Jerry Jones' several tight facelifts. Especially the tears. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: It's late. I'm out of cogent analysis. Tony Romo is cute. Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at Miami
Aaron: Well, my "Colts are in decline" theory didn't pay off last week, so I'll amend it to "Colts are in decline, but will win a few games early before collapsing in November". Airtight, that one. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Taking their cue from the critically acclaimed, Emmy-nominated success of 30 Rock, Miami's offense will make their season premiere in mid-October. Pick: Indianapolis

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