So let me set the scene for you. It's a week or so ago, I'm tooling around online as I occasionally do, and I stumble across the find of the summer. Well, the find of MY summer. Which means, yes, the cast list for the next Real World/Road Rules Challenge, subtitled "The Ruins."
Naturally, I immediately send my girl Sarah (she of the Challenge chats on this very blog) an email which read something like OH MY GOD CHALLENGE RUINS TALK ANNOUNCEMENT GET ONLINE IMMEDIATELY. The following chat is what happened when she did (obviously read on to find out which Real Worlders got cast this time around -- I'm not kidding you when I say it's the greatest collection of fine human beings in history.
Joe: So you've seen the cast?
Sarah: Well...seen what weird internet people are saying is the cast.
Joe: I tend to believe it. Perhaps because I want to.
Sarah: I do too. But...Evan? Again? NEED A BREATHER.
Joe: I feel like I can't even talk about this without giving it its proper due.
Sarah: I know. We can let this simmer for a while; it's important.
Joe: Like, we should have 30 minutes on MTV to discuss this.
Sarah: It should become as flavorful as possible.
Joe: Okay, actually, here's something funny; I actually have 40 minutes to kill right now.
Sarah: Oh yes?.....
Joe: And I can't wait. Because honestly, there is no sufficient ceremony; no matter how fancy I dress up, I still won't feel prepared.
Sarah: Prepared to talk about....the return of Shauvon? DUN!
Joe: Okay, seriously, on a cast full of total slam dunks, she is seriously the one flat note. My mixed metaphors are as huge as her giant, misshapen breasts.
Sarah: Why would they bring her back? Particularly when CT is NOT back.
Joe: I guess to continue to fight with...Diem? Though, honestly, I'm kind of psyched for Kim to get her claws into her.
Sarah: And she can have closet sex with....Darrell? (Who is Darrell again?)
Joe: Darrell = the most boring guy to have won (I think) 2 Challenges.
Sarah: I really can't even picture the guy right now.
Joe: He definitely won the Fresh Meat anti-climax.
Sarah: What do you think about the format? Winners v Losers?
Joe: Is that what it is? I have not heard this; please explain.
Sarah: Okay, my googling has revealed that the theme is people who have won challenges versus people who have not ever won challenges. I have no idea if this is really the case.
Read on for the rest of the chat ... and the rest of the Ruiners
Joe: Well that actually makes sense for Darrell, then. That's the only reason you'd bring him back.
Sarah: It also allows for an awesomely trashy "losers" group -- and then a kind of rando "winners" group; like Syrus is back?
Joe: Indeed, him too. Okay this is making some sense at least. So you figure winners would be Darrell, Wes, the whole Island crew (Bananas, Ev, Kenny, Derrick) ...
Sarah: Yes yes yes yes.
Joe: Tonya won one, Evan won one...
Sarah: You are like my favorite OK Computer ever.
Joe: I am not proud.
Sarah: Here's the list I'm looking at.
Joe: The fuck did Ibis win?
Sarah: I don't know who Ibis is.
Joe: You won't necessarily after The Ruins either.
Sarah: Fingers crossed.
Joe: Unless she's grown a bitchitude like Susie did.
Sarah: The non-winners group looks SO SO good.
Joe: I KNOW.
Sarah: (With the exception of Nick and Shauvon.)
Joe: Honestly, I think the whole cast, with very few exceptions, is stacked.
Sarah: I go down the list and am like "Chet! Cohutta! Danny!!! EYESOCKET DANNY!!!"
Joe: Yhere are so few sacrificial lambs.
Sarah: Cohutta and Nick are dunzo.
Joe: Yes, probably.
Sarah: And, Joe, did you notice.....Brianna?!?!?!
Joe: YOU BET I DID!
Sarah: She is either going to tear Shauvon's extensions out or they are are going to become BFF.
Joe: And Kellyanne!
Joe: Okay also? Danny and Dunbar on the same roid-ragey team?
Sarah: Hell yes! If you dismember them, you could probably sew together a new CT.
Joe: With Sarah and Kellyanne to annoy them?
Sarah: Sarah with that insane-making voice
Joe: Like, you could honestly have a murder on that Losers team.
Sarah: And Casey?! Oh dude. Casey, Sarah, Kellyanne; like fifty steps back for feminism, a million steps forward for my entertainment.
Joe: Poor B-Rad on that Losers team.
Sarah: I like how Tori is staying away.
Joe: Having to put up with Chet and Casey and Shauvon and stupid Adam. Adam is gonna be SO DAMN full of himself after the CT thing.
Sarah: In my mind that Losers team is just all limbs jumping and jerking around and irritating voices. Like I'm looking through a microscope at jumpy one-celled organisms? And B-Rad is the scientist.
Joe: Okay, let's try to handicap this. And that way we can go cretin by cretin. Starting with the losers: who's the obvious first few weeks' cannon fodder?
Sarah: Shauvon, maybe Sarah. Then probably Chet and Nick?
Joe: I say yes, yes, yes, maybe. Nick might be big enough to keep longer than, say, Cohutta
Joe: You figure, the clique there will be Brad, Diem, Danny, Adam; with Dunbar glowering around the perimeter like always.
Sarah: Kimberly might also have an inside track this time.
Joe: Yes; she and Dunbar will Natural Born Killers their way to the end.
Joe: I also like Bri to last, barring a meltdown.
Sarah: On the outs will be Chet and Cohutta. Danny will think he is on the inside, but will probably be sacrificed.
Joe: Danny's problem, as ever, is that nobody likes him.
Sarah: I'd put some money on Bri (much like many men do).
Joe: Eff yes. And I love Kellyanne as the wild card.
Sarah: Kellyanne is the best wild card.
Joe: She could pull off a Sarah/Katie type streak.
Sarah: I believe in her. I only hope she knows that.
Joe: So pick a final 4 for the Losers.
Sarah: Brad, Adam, Kimberly, Brianna (this last might very well be Diem, if they keep acting fratty like they usually do).
Joe: Yeah, I'm saying Brad, Diem, Dunbar, Bri.
Sarah: Yeah. That sounds better. I don't think Adam will make it.
Joe: He'll get close.
Sarah: But I think Kimberly will be a presence this time. I believe in Kim
Joe: This is of course assuming a lot about how the elimination process will go.
Joe: As for the Winners ... there's a lot of tired on that team; Tonya. Katie. Syrus. Even Derrick has been slowed by the demands of fatherhood!
Sarah: They're getting kind of leathery, bro.
Joe: Trying to pick dead weight on the guys' side? After Sy? That's tough.
Sarah: And Darrell don't forget! (Who?)
Joe: He's a good athlete, though; they'll keep him around.
Sarah: That is a fucking meatpacking plant, man.
Joe: I say Wes is the second-lowest on the totem pole. Under the Nobody Likes Anyone From Austin rule.
Sarah: I always wish Wes was Abram.
Joe: Wes/Johanna/Kenny has promise, though. And didn't Kellyanne say at that Island reunion that she fucked Wes?
Sarah: Yes she did! Nice!
Joe: Quadrangle! There is some serious Patient Zero potential there.
Sarah: Joe, geometry cannot help explain the relations between these people.
Joe: That's why I added the epidemiology.
Sarah: Well....honestly I don't think SCIENCE can explain the relations between these people; only God could....except these people killed him.
Joe: Try to parse out the women who hate each other; Tonya/Veronica; Katie/Veronica; Tonya/Susie.
Sarah: Doesn't Tonya/Katie also hate Johanna?
Sarah: I really like Johanna being thrown in with the Virginia Slims ladeez.
Sarah: It's like a prison movie. Like White Oleander.
Joe: It fucking is. Because Veronica just got transferred back in; and who does she side with?
Joe: I bet you she and Katie make a devil's bargain.
Sarah: Absolutely. They have to know their own power by now.
Joe: And they pick up Ibis and Johanna. And get rid of Ev, Susie, Tonya.
Sarah: Yes. Nice.
Joe: I really hope someone on that team is listening.
Sarah: We need to start a business advising these people.
Joe: I also have a feeling, with the guys, it's gonna end up being Derrick as the hero going up against Meathead Inc.
Sarah: I'm hoping so. But Meathead, Inc. must know they can't fuck with Derrick. It's going to be interesting. Because on The Island, Derrick was both with and not with the Meatheads.
Joe: Also, doesn't Bananas hate Susie?
Sarah: Everyone hates Susie except Cara, right?
Joe: Right. And Cara ain't here.
Sarah: Oh my god, I really cannot wait to see Chet on a challenge.
Joe: I KNOW.
Sarah: Sad lack of gays here, right?
Joe: Sad = total, yes? Besides stoopid Ev. And I guess Sarah is .5. And, you know, Chet.
Sarah: And Chet hiding his under a bushel.
Joe: So Final 4 for the Winners.
Sarah: Derrick, right?
Joe: Yes; hero. I say Kenny goes shockingly early.
Sarah: Derrick, Evelyn, Wes (?), Veronica. I just don't think both Veronica and Katie are going to make it.
Joe: Wes is gonna have a tough time. B/c Kenny with rally his troops against him
Sarah: I'm on principle not naming Evan becuse GOD.
Joe: But I'm mostly with you: Derrick and Bananas, Katie and Veronica. PLEASE GOD let us be right about those girls.
Joe: Sarah, I almost can't handle this.
Sarah: Deep breaths until it happens for us.
Joe: FALL '09!
Sarah: Do you realize that it is very likely we could WATCH IT TOGETHER.
Joe: Um, "likely"?
Sarah: I know!
Joe: We're renting a back room at a bar; with Bunting.
Joe: We're coming, Kellyanne! Wait for us!
Sarah: STAY ALIVE!