It's been one finale, a clip show, and a reunion since we last met. Time to wrap up this sporadic season in style with my tag-team partner Sarah Blackwood. As always, we had a lot to say, so let's not waste any time:
Joe: I knew I should have watched the clip show again and taken notes.
Sarah: I know, it all feels so long ago. Damn short term memory loss induced by this show so that i can no longer really remember anything about the show.
Joe: We haven't spoken since before the finale, right?
Joe: Okay, so can we agree that Evan's triumph was galling but inevitable given the editing?
Sarah: Yes. God, it was so sad.
Joe: And that Rachel's triumph was boring and misleading given that the boys had to pretty much stand around and wait for her?
Sarah: Yes. Though I have to admit that my muddled brain didn't totally put that together immediately. I was all "HELL YEAH! Girl wins!" having totally forgotten about the ridiculous stop-and-wait arrangement.
Joe: An arrangement which I am convinced was only there to make Evan's head explode. And/or to shame Aneesa.
Sarah: I particularly loved when Aneesa declared that the NEXT time she does one of these, she's going to stop smoking.
Joe: Oh Aneesa, nobody wants to believe that.
Sarah: Also: would that really be worth it? I mean, you just banked $15K for NOT quitting.
Joe: I can't decide whether Aneesa was any good in this season. And why does she always seem to be able to finish 3rd on The Duel when she never comes close any other times?
Sarah: She was barely in it until the love triangle, and then not in it again, until the final and reunion. But nobody wants to go against her in one of those wrestling duels.
Joe: Remember that season she had that fierce bleached dyke mullet and told Cara she'd cut her with words? Even then she was out, like, fourth.
Sarah: Well now, she's fooled everyone into thinking she's super tough. Which is pretty awesome. Because this is one long-ass sham she's got going. A junket even?
Joe: It's akin to a long con. She's like the Brothers Bloom. With a lip stud.
Sarah: She is Keyser Soze.
Joe: So should we go through the motions of being shocked and outraged that Evan screamed epithets at Brittni?
Sarah: Calling her a "stupid bitch" in one breath and then "sweetie" in the next?
Like a Lifetime movie right there.
Joe: And no one bats an eye!
Sarah: I know! It didn't even come up in any of the aftershow stuff! Brittini's like "Hee hee! He's screaming at me hee! Hee!"
Joe: I was led to believe militant lesbians were, you know, militant about that sort of thing.
Sarah: Well, this is the kind of eye opening RW/RR Challenge aims to provide
Joe: Was there really anything else in the actual finale worth commenting on? I guess that Brad/Landon duel.
Sarah: No. It was super boring.
Joe: Wherein Landon was naturally duped like the overly trusting child he is.
Sarah: "Okay guys! I'll go get the hat!"
Joe: we could not have scripted that better. Unless it was a bedazzled hat. I do like how Brad's big strategic gambit was, like, slapping at the ring. Literally the most caveman thing he could do. Brilliant!
Sarah: THRONE! I'm going to start using that as an exclamation meaning "hell yeah!"
Sarah: No wait. I just spelled it correctly!
Joe: THRON, you mean.
Sarah: OH MY GOD.
Joe: See, you couldn't be as dumb as Brad if you tried. PROOF.
Sarah: Phew! God, that is a RELIEF. It was getting so I wasn't sure.
Sarah: okay, so let's move on to the reunion or clips show. The clips show was just a big case of Chlamydia. (Spell that: chlamydia.)
Joe: The clip show nearly redeemed the whole season for me.
Sarah: I know!
Joe: Because: Katie; lots of Katie.
Sarah: Oh, the wrestling. Do you think she wrestled her boyfriend at the airport when he proposed to her?
Joe: And Aneesa proving to be almost Frangela-like in her talking head witticisms?
Sarah: Having to do with balls.
Joe: And handjobs in grade school! And copious "Landon's a 'mo" sideways glances!
Co-MVPs to Aneesa and Katie for that show.
Sarah: Landon is like a primer on queer studies. He's totally not "gay." But damn he is NOT straight either. He's just....dimpled.
Joe: He's the missing link
Joe: like, if Battlestar Galactica were even more overtly about gay people and straight people and not just metaphor, Landon would be the Starbuck: an angel sent to bring us together.
Sarah: Truly! Except, Landon would have a hard time being so hard assed.
Joe: True. He'd just keep smiling.
Sarah: Like a weeble wobble, just keep knocking that boy, he pops right back up. Landon is so metaphorically rich!
Joe: Also, what can we possible make of these Aneesa/Dunbar and Rachel/Evan stories?
Sarah: I AM NOT LISTENING TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID! Again: this is Faulknerian shit right there.
Joe: Or VC Andrews. They all become flowers in the attic after like a day and a half.
Sarah: But Aneesa/Dunbar, Rachel/Evan isn't like taboo...it's like doing it with the thing you hate most in the world-- FOR ALL INVOLVED.
Sarah: So how about Rachel laying it down re: CT on the reunion? He's been cast out! It's so Puritan! M. Night Shamamlama should make a movie about it!
Joe: but then at the end we'd all realize that they're living in a closed off world of their own making that has no bearing on the outside...oh wait.
Joe: Rachel's the weirdest thing. I want to hate her.
Sarah: I know!
Joe: But then she says stuff like that when no one else will. And she tries to keep her private shit private. Which is quite a feat for someone who fucked Veronica and Abram in a showe. AND Jenn this season.
Sarah: Her hair? Atrocious. Like, literally, her haircut is my least favorite girl haircut of all time. But the gold lame bathing suit! The knee socks! The MORAL HIGH GROUND!
Joe: Yeah, she's a conundrum.
Sarah: Absolutely. I feel like she should not do another one of these. She went out with an enigmatic bang.
Joe: I did like how Jenn redeemed herself (sliiightly) at the reunion by wisely not continuiong to hate Aneesa for no reason.
Sarah: Unlike Mark, who is just being one of those farts that keeps going beyond when you think it should stop sputtering
Sarah: You like?
Joe: get ready, [REDACTED] University!
Sarah: I appreciated Jenn not making any more fat jokes.
Joe: Fucking A.
Sarah: Also, Jenn looked kind of blind in a few places, when she started doing her weird ghetto pantomime (as if this girl has ever seen a ghetto) to no one in particular.
Joe: wait, was that the clip where she was ranting and raving to no one in particular? And, like, Ruthie was standing there staring into space and wondering why she came?
Sarah: No, in the reunion. She was in the front row, and kept z-snapping off into the middle distance.
Joe: Hahaha, awesome.
Joe: And OMG ROBIN! Pregnant! She does have lady parts!
Sarah: I KNOW. They were all beign such jerks when they announced it though. "Who's is it?"
Joe: I know -- fuckers. You know my deal with Robin. I am inexplicably protective of her. For reasons I'm not sure I ever want made clear to me.
Sarah: Hah. AVOID THERAPY.
Sarah: Keep your friends in your mind nice and safe.
Joe: And, okay, it was such a tossed-off moment, but how about that clip of Evan writing that letter to Santa or whatever; and he was like "I wish Ryan wasn't gay?" HAHAHA-whaaaaat? Does he wish that so...Ryan can get into heaven? I don't understand.
Sarah: Maybe so they can drunkenly hook up one night? b/c two "straight" frat brothers doing it is just a Saturday night.
Sarah: I'm actually getting angry. Who would EVER wish Ryan weren't gay?
If he weren't he'd be like.....Stephen. (Right? The one from Denver w/Colie?)
Joe: Either way: point taken. It was such an unexpectedly hostile and telling moment. I expect more from Cornell-educated Canadians.
Joe: OH! We haven't even gotten into my most disturbing revelation of the reunion. I like...I kind of find...I think I'm starting to appreciate the charms of...
Sarah: I KNOW.
Joe: Don't make me say her name.
Sarah: Let's say it together. 1, 2, 3 ...
Joe: DUDE. WTF?
Sarah: Joe, I don't know. Only just: I am here with you, sharing yoru pain
Joe: the way she handled Dunbar -- she was everything Paula WANTED to seem like. Dismissive and cutting and better than him. Whereas Paula just seems overinvested.
Sarah: And obviously gave more to Dunbar than she wanted in a bid for his affections. Which, ladies. DOES NOT WORK.
Joe: But she managed to be regretful but not pathetic.
Joe: And who else did she totally yell at?
Sarah: Oh, yeah. who was it? a girl, right?
Joe: Maybe. Fuck.
Sarah: I can't remember either! Maybe Evan?
Joe: I still have it on my DVR at home, I'll check before I publish. (Yes, I refused to delete it.)
Sarah: Oh! Didn't Kimberly just scream that Shauvon is a WHORE in the beginning of the reunion?
Joe: YES! That was it.
Sarah: Your welcome.
Joe: Your thron awaits.
Joe: Yeah, so Kim can sit by us in the smoking section.
Sarah: (I love how i just misspelled "you're welcome.")
Joe: (On purpose!)
Sarah: (Uh....yeah. Sure.)
Joe: Hey, so how about how hostile Maria Menounos was to Tori?
Sarah: Loved it.
Joe: Somebody wants her some Brad.
Sarah: Who doesn't?
Joe: True enough. As a Tori apologist, I feel I should note that Tori totally copped to being a rag.
Sarah: Yes, she did. I will give you that.
Joe: And not in an awful "YEAH, I'm a bitch!" way. She seemed genuinely embarrassed and regretful.
Sarah: And, also, even though I am in the eye-rolling camp when it comes to Tori, I would never trade her emotional breakdown just because I loved watching how confused Brad was by it.
Joe: Devil's advocate: you could elicit that reaction in any of a thousand ways.
Sarah: So true. But I felt like I finally understood why there's a huge "men are like X" "women are like Y" industry watching Brad try to figure out what the eff was going on.
Joe: This show does that.
Joe: hey, so was it Landon who was like "The challenges this season actually weren't that hard"?
Sarah: No, Mark. The fart.
Joe: Okay, one point to Mark, though. Because that was true.
Sarah: So true!
Joe: It was all just "up on a high pedestal, don't fall"; EVERY WEEK
Joe: they need more physical contact challenges. Here's how you do this season better. Ready?
Joe: 1) every challenge involves physical contact, so that the boys inevitably develop momentary hard feelings; 2) IMMEDIATELY after the challenge is over, you start picking names, giving you the greatest chance for those hard feelings to cause you to fuck over the approved order. PLUS, odds are they won't even remember the approved order in the heat of the moment.
Sarah: Okay, so i need to wrap up here. Last thoughts?
Joe: Is it too much to hope Evan rests on his winnings, Bananas-style, and takes a season (or three) off?
Sarah: I truly hope so. I really need a break from that guy.
Sarah: Do you think Shauvon is gone for good?
Joe: Noooo, Shauvon will be back with a quickness.
Sarah: She's the type to show up to a reunion even though she was only there for 3 days.
Joe: maybe they didn't invite her?
Sarah: They HAD to invite her. I mean, right?
Joe: I think if the producers start thinking right and cast Trisha and Parisa, Shauvon will totally show up.
Sarah: Yes. Please yes.
Sarah: OH! We didn't discuss Mark relating how he totes just talked with the producers about his "conditions" for appearing on the show. Or how embarassing the flashback to him "handing off the bandana" to Derrick was (wtf were those sunglasses?)
Joe: Mark might be the saddest of them all. How gross was it when he was like "Next time, I'll be single."
Joe: EW! Hands above board, Uncle Mark! P.S. Odds that the Cancun cast are the reason we have swine flu?
Sarah: Oh, dear lord. I had NOT thought of that.
Joe: This is what happens in a petri dish.
Sarah: Is it not enough that these people have imported Evan from Canada?
Joe: It's like reverse NAFTA! Ross Perot's revenge! Still has that giant sucking sound, though.
Sarah: And they're trying to blame it all on that little kid. And that census taker.
Joe: For shame. The blood of history is on your hands, Student City Tours.
Sarah: The Real World: Cancun: The cow that kicked over the lantern in the barn of the world.