Friday, June 05, 2009

Challenge Chat, Part 2: Fantasy Casting!

Our Mission: To fantasy cast the hypothetical next season o The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, hypothetically for a Battle of the Sexes III, hypothetically so that the most watchable 36 people fight for TJ Lavin's respect. Sarah casts the girls, I cast the boys. Click here for the kickoff. Read on for the best Challenge cast ever.

Okay, I'm gonna divide this into the "types" we need to cast for:

Kenny (Fresh Meat)
Ryan (RW Brooklyn)
Derrick (RR Extreme)
Wes (RW Austin)

Clearly, Kenny's gonna think he's king shit, but I don't see Ryan taking anything but an alpha position, and people will defer to him b/c of the military thing. Derrick will be the quiet leader, and Wes the obnoxious, pasty guy who nobody likes but still thinks is calling the shots.

Chet (RW Brooklyn)
Dunbar (RW Sydney)

Watching Chet get his ass handed to him in competitions will be funny. And watching Dunbar finally flip out will be great TV.

Isaac (RW Sydney)
Landon (RW Philly)
Brad (RW San Diego)
Randy (RW San Diego)
Ace (RW Paris)

Watch Brad furrow his brow at Randy, Ace, and Isaac while the three of them smoke up with Teej while Landon just sparkles in the corner. Also, somebody needs to get Randy, aka "Big Ran" back on my TV. Just don't call him an alcoholic because he'll cry and then you'll feel like an asshole!

J.D. (RW Brooklyn)
Davis (RW Denver)
Ryan (Fresh Meat)
Shane (RR Campus Crawl)
Danny (RW New Orleans)

Clearly, Ryan and Davis were feeling it, but I see Shane slutting in on that turf, and Danny can be the wizened old homo who ends up with his pick of the flock. J.D. will likely do something terribly embarrassing within 48 hours.

Abram (RR South Pacific)
CT (RW Paris)

Here's hoping Abram completes any and all construction projects BEFORE leaving for sunny Acapulco.

Danimal (RR Viewers Revenge)

DANIMAL! I've already scouted out a spot on the beach where he and his limpness can sleep every night.

"What? No Johnny Bananas? I know, I know. But I feel he's earned a timeout after The Island. Though it was hard not to reunite the whole team from the Mr. Tight Buns contest of '08.


Alright, here's mine, typed accordingly as well (May I please just take a moment and say, THANK YOU FOR BRINGING DANNY BACK)

Beth (RW Los Angeles)

Beth, get your ass back here. Quite being "Too Old" and start being "The Matriarch." Get these bitches in line, figure out what their strengths and weaknesses are and put together a team that can beat the boys!

Ruthie (RW Hawaii)
Evelyn (Fresh Meat)
Ayanna (RR: Semester at Sea)

Ruthie has something to prove after losing a Duel to Kimberly (RW Hollywood) of all people. Evelyn is always fun to watch when forced to play on the girls' team because of her deep and warranted disdain for what being a "girl" means on these Challenges, and Ayanna is as close as we're going to get to a female CT.

Trishelle (RW Las Vegas)
Johanna (RW Austin)
Brooke (RW Denver)

These girls are long on legs and short on brains. Trishelle needs access to a hot tub, stat; Johanna will attach like a sexy remora to whatever male dictator emerges this season, and Brooke will keep it interesting by sticking her tongue and whatever hole happens to be near it.

Parisa (RW Sydney)
Trisha (RW Sydney)

Okay, so maybe this is some stunt casting, and maybe these two are taking slots away from Aneesa (RW Chicago), Colie (RW Denver), and Rachel (RR: Campus Crawl) ("Smoking Corner," "Slut," and "Sporty" girls, respectively), but hear me out. "Devout" Christian Trisha "Dad, I just pushed a fat girl!" Cummings singlehandedly took down the Republican party with her religiously-inspired popular girl ethnic slurs and pot-kettle comments about Parisa's weight. Making this good reality television is the fact that Parisa is totally annoying, so we can hate with impunity in all directions.

Veronica (Road Rules: Semester at Sea)
Brianna (RW Hollywood)
Svetlana (RW Key West)
Jenn (RW Denver)

These are the girls you want to hang out with from 11 p.m to 2 a.m. Much like Cinderella, though, after a certain hour these girls turn into a fermented pile of pulp....with fists. Veronica and Katie have said they've "made up," but let's put that to the test, shall we? Hopefully Brianna can get a few weeks off working the pole to participate; Svetlana is a reliably ridiculous product of postmodern society, and Jenn has some z-snaps left in her yet.

Katie (Road Rules: The Quest)
Robin (RW San Diego)

These are the girls you want to hang out all the rest of the time. Both girls seem to have mellowed, and like a fine wine, they just keep getting better.

Katelynn (RW Brooklyn)
Kelly Anne (RW Sydney)
Devyn (RW Brooklyn)

This is like a self-contained Harmony Korin flick right here. Kelly Anne is my favorite damaged good ever. Katelynn is obviously going to be a silent assassin, and Devyn just cracked my shit up so much shilling for that pageant gown company in Brooklyn, and literally getting men to deposit cash directly into her bank account (ahem) that I'd like to see what she'll do on a Challenge.
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And now for some analysis: SVETLANA! KELLYANNE! TRISHA! AYANNA! Sarah, I tip my hat to you -- best cast ever! And as much as I want Parisa to run far, far away from any and all Challenge invites, this would be the exception, because THE MAIN EVEN is goddamn right. Love!


Sarah B said...

Another reason this is the best cast ever? NO EVAN.

Judi Sunshine said...

WOW. Although seeing Veronica's name was like ice to my spinal cord, I was just wondering about her the other day. And I will support any cast that includes Randy. Is he still with that orange chick? Kina, is that her name?

And this:

"Johanna will attach like a sexy remora to whatever male dictator emerges this season"

was awesome.

I would totally watch the show again if you guys cast it!