First off, I should offer an apology to those poor souls stuck in the same theater as the EMW crew last Wednesday night for Obsessed. Not for our loud, obnoxious cackling, mocking, applauding (yes, applauding), and frequently bellowing "what DECADE is this??" although that all did happen. I'm mostly sorry that you had to watch Obsessed at all, because JESUS H. what a terrible movie. Consequently, what a fantastic EMW experience.
Not that we weren't kind of expecting this. We took a super-sized crew to the screening in anticipation of what appeared to be the best bad movie of the year so far. I'd saw we were about 75% right on that. Oh, it's a terrible movie, don't mistake. A compendium of every psycho-bitch-man-stealer movie in history, delivered without enthusiasm, ingenuity, coherence, realism (or, lacking that, sufficient surrealism), or humor. Intentional humor. Every once in a while, it seems like the actors realize they're starring in a piece of unredeemable schlock and play to that ("BREATHE, BITCH!"), but most the movie just ... happens.
It would actually be an incredibly boring climb to the admittedly AWESOME Beyonce/Ali Larter fight scene if we weren't busying ourselves screaming about the inept sexuality, tacked-on subplots ("is this because I want to go back to school?"), stock characters from the early '60s (gossipy office gay! Jerry O'Connell!), and shoddy filmmaking ("Why are they panning up from her feet like it's not her when it IS her??"). But we were screaming about those things. And applauding Beyonce's instantly legendary "I'll show you crazy!" And yelling at Christine Lahti for her shoddy police work. Tara and Will's most excellent recap of the movie gives you a taste of the many, many, many ways in which this movie delivered like Domino's.
I don't even know what to rate this movie. On a scale from one bag on the head to five bags on the head, this movie deserves ALL the bags on the head. In the universe. And yet it also deserves none. Because that was solid-gold shit in the best sense of the term.
Previously in the Embarassing Movie Series: 17 Again, The Hannah Montana Movie, Monsters vs. Aliens, Fired Up!
Next: All right, all right, all right!