Thursday, May 14, 2009

Embarrassing Movie Wednesdays: Fighting


Look, I don't think I'm the kind of person who's always reading into things. I get creeped out by slash-fic, I don't think Frodo and Sam were hot for each other, Simon and Ryan aren't secretly fucking (that's Simon and Paula). None of that. So I think I've earned enough credibility to be able to say right now that Fighting is a movie about hardcore gay sex. With mentally retarded people.

Hear me out!

So let me just lay out the situation for you: 1) Channing Tatum looks like Channing Tatum. 2) After finding a life of hawking fraudulent Harry Potter books in Rockefeller Plaza to be insufficiently lucrative, he runs into Terrence Howard, who appears to own 1-3 young men, whose ages range from say 15 to 26, who sometimes steal stuff for him but usually just hang around him even though he's 35 (or 45 ... or 29 ... man, Liz Lemon was right). 3) Terrence Howard speaks slowly and almost exclusively in whispered nonsequiters and repetitive explanation of what he's doing and what just happened. 4) Like any sane person, Terrence Howard stares at Channing Tatum intently at all times. 5) Terrence offers to help Channing make a lot of money based on his meager but god-given talents. 6) This money can only be made in back rooms, wood-paneled basements, and Asian bathouses. 7) Terrence parades Channing out in front of other slow-talking, possibly retarded men who stare at Channing even more than Terrence does. They ultimately agree that they have a guy who they could pair up with Channing and have them go at it hard; this will make them a lot of money. 8) After Channing and the other guy go at it hard, Terrence gives him his cut of the money, then offers to let Channing stay at his place. 9) Where he has turquoise satin sheets. 10) And tickets to every show on Broadway.

And that's just the first 40 minutes! I seriously think Fighting started as a movie about a guy who makes it in the big city as a hustler, then somewhere along the line someone decided to make it a major studio release, so the gay stuff was replaced by fighting. Seriously, like they did a search/replace where "fighting" replaced "fucking." And "jacket" replaced "condom." Don't ask me why they felt they had to keep repeating what borough they just went to, though.

I'm not kidding about Terrence Howard being retarded either. Something was going on there. He kept repeating things and stating the obvious and speaking in slow sentences full of short words.

[EDIT: Check out Tara and Will trying to work this all out on Sling.com.]

On the other hand: Channing Tatum.

Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Rating:

Previously in the Embarassing Movie Series: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Obsessed, 17 Again, The Hannah Montana Movie, Monsters vs. Aliens, Fired Up!

5 comments:

Jenn said...

Please tell me you're going to do Night at the Museum: Battle for Relevancy next.

Joe Reid said...

Ohhh. That one might be a bridge too far.

NATHANIEL R said...

BRILLIANT. I am going to read this over and over again for 105 minutes (and perhaps it will replace the memories of each frame of that insipid film)

Victor S said...

LOL at "Liz Lemon was right"!!
Great post

NATHANIEL R said...

Oh and also, Joe...

before he makes a living "fighting" himself he's still trying to make a living off of some other guy's "magic wand."

your thesis is sound, my friend, your thesis is sound.