Thursday, May 21, 2009

Challenge Chat, Part 3

I can't devote any more mental real estate to American Idol. So instead, I'm turning to the show that requires absolutely zero mental real estate at all. Once again, my girl Sarah Blackwood joins me to discuss the latest developments on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel II

Sarah: I have time if you have time.
Joe: I didn't watch yet! Argh!
Sarah: You are lucky. SO BORING!
Joe: i wonder if it's online
Sarah: Why is it so boring?
Joe: Because they got rid of all the interesting ones WITH A QUICKNESS. And so we're left with Paula and Brad and Landon making lists
Sarah: But listen: there HAS to be interesting stuff going on. Jenn and Rachel? Hot lesbian sex? But no, we had to watch ANOTHER ENTIRE HOUR about Paula and Dunbar. It's getting kind of black box theater-y.
Joe: I can't believe right after we were like "Watch, they'll probably get rid of Isaac and Ruthie next" they TOTALLY DID!
Sarah: I know. Sigh. It's really bad this year. I'm longing for Bananas?
Joe: I'd take WES.
Sarah: I mean: I'd even take SHAUVON back.
Joe: i think we're realizing that the format of the Duel is really boring, and we got bailed out on the first season by Svetlana being a crazy all-star.
Sarah: Svetlana my blingy bitch.

Sarah: It's true the Duel is so boring. It's even more popularity-contest-y. This show has helped me understand the fine distinction between "popular kids" and "reality show stars" though.
Joe: First of all, they should be forced to do the begats RIGHT AWAY. Because these fools trying to think on their feet = automatically funnier.
Sarah: Why don't they just do it like Survivor? Team challenge; individual challenge.
Joe: here's my main question: That Kimberly/Dunbar hookup; who's getting the worst end of that deal?
Sarah: Dunbar explained why he enjoyed her company last night: because they can talk about South Carolina together. So really, I think S.C. gets the raw deal there.
Joe: YES. Oof.
Sarah: Can you imagine Kimberly in bed? First of all: no. Second of all: that VOICE?
Joe: I did appreciate the whole fire and ice dynamic. Where Paula makes Hulk angry all day, then Kim soothes the savage beast with backrubs.
Sarah: I love how Paula could make him so mad by just laying in her bunk and saying: "Nobody likes you." Seriously: why was she ALWAYS laying in her bunk when she'd be poking him? (What did I just write there?)
Joe: Also? I don't think the show has ever been quite so upfront about the daddy issues these girls have as they were when Kim talked about liking Dunbar because he's big and makes her feel safe.
Sarah: I KNOW!
Joe: Like, that's usually dealt with via metaphor.

Sarah: The previews for next week look like there's a big lesbian throwdown, so YES! The only thing that can save this show is the lesbians at this point. The Meat Necks are super non-amusing w/out the Bananas/Kenny dynamic
Joe: Besides Brad and Tori and their Amazing Technicolor Snoozefest, Jenn's the only one I like.
Sarah: I'm with you. I really loved when Tori was confusing Brad so much with her "emotions." That girl is so super annoying. I can't wait for them to get divorced. She's such a prig.
Joe: See, I kind of respect Tori in the context of the show. She at least wants to eff up the natural order and get things all dramatic. Brad's just like "Can we not make waves until we're voted out in 4th place according to the plan?"
Sarah: But she DIDN'T!!! She's no Davis.
Joe: No, but that's on Brad, I think. Do you want to make that man sad? I know I don't.
Sarah: No. Oh my god NO a thousand times. Can you IMAGINE Brad sad? I don't think I ever even considered it until you just said that.
Joe: Right?
Sarah: His brow furrow turning a little crumpled? The lip trembling a bit? A shuffling foot kick?
Joe: He would look so CONFUSED as to the salt water on his face.
Joe: I seriously love how Dunbar just has no friends.
Sarah: It is great. His only friends are the walls that he punches.
Joe: God, this group: Paula, Diem, Brittni? Oy.
Sarah: Uhgaaaa...
Joe: And Aneesa! You have NO EXCUSE to be this boring!
Sarah: I know!
Joe: I also love how there's this undercurrent of "Dunbar can't be friends with a girl without her wanting him uncontrollably."
Sarah: Well girls do love rage issues. He is kind of interesting how obsessed he is with talking about whether someone is being a good friend or not.

Joe: Oh good, MJ's chaw is back.
Sarah: Family man, you know.
Joe: He is the grossest. Grosser than Evan's fetal alcholol-ness.
Sarah: I love how Evan grew INTO his fetal alcoholness rather than out of it.
Joe: YES! WTF? Maybe when he forsook Coral on Gauntlet III she placed a curse on him.
Sarah: Science needs to study this. B/C actually this happens to a lot of galoots after college. Though of course we can't count Coral out. I love how you remember what season was named what. I totally don't remember. (Gauntlet III=The Palapa?)
Joe: I was totally guessing. I do remember that Gauntlets are rookies-v-vets and Infernos are good-v-evil.

Joe: Question: Is Derek's mohawk desperate? Or desperate?
Sarah: Hmmm, let me think about that for a second....YES.
Joe: Like, you played defensive tackle on your community college football team; you're fooling zero people.
Sarah: What do you think he is even trying to signify with the fauxhawk? Isn't that only gay hair nowadays?
Joe: His is spiked too high for the gay fauxhawk.
Sarah: True. It's like twentysomething crisis hair. Like the porsche for the 50 y.o. man, I guess.
Joe: He's just never gonna be the Derek/ick we want.
Sarah: It's so sad. But derrick is busy trying to feed and house his family the past year on that $10,000 he won.

Joe: Do you feel kind of satisfied that Bitchy Overcomeptitive Rachel is back? Rather than weird, anti-social turban-headed rachel?
Sarah: Yes, but I wish we could get a little of the best of both worlds. I liked her angst, and did enjoy puzzling over those turbans. I do like the overcompetitiveness though b/c it will allow for some "Aging Lioness" drama
Joe: It's just too bad the young lioness in that storyline is ... Brittni
Sarah: Who?
Joe: Indeed.
Joe: Seriously, what is compelling about this evan/landon/mark alliance?
Sarah: Nothing. Mark is no Timmy. Evan is Evan. Landon is a sparkling my little pony.
Joe: I'm kind of learning to love the way he speaks. Two parts gay, one part kid at Christmastime all full of wonder.
Sarah: Yes! I love Landon.
Joe: Me too?

Sarah: Why is it so unthinkable for the producers to make challenges that are slightly less physically based? I mean, let's not imagine that the other challenges need to be intellectual...but certainly we could make it so you don't HAVE to do steroids to make it to the end?
Joe: I know. Particularly when all your muscledudes are the boring ones.
Sarah: EXACTLY!

Joe: Wow Dunbar vs. MJ. I SO CARE.
Sarah: Heh.
Joe: Actually, i do, I need Dunbar to stay. And clearly, via the rules of shitty, obvious editing, Aneesa is so toast.
Sarah: I can tell you are on the edge of your seat!
Joe: Is Dunbar giving a tutorial on wall-punching? Is that what's happening here?
Sarah: Helpful, that boy! And also saying something like how he "puts the fire" into the wall? I think? I don't know, I was recapping late and after beer last night.
And then our work lives kept us from talking about stupid TV further. But Aneesa DID win! And sent stupid Paula home! Alas, Dunbar didn't survive, robbing us of weeks of medium-simmering rage and sad shots of him looking friendless and alone. Another one bites the dust!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Dunbar explained why he enjoyed her company last night: because they can talk about South Carolina together. So really, I think S.C. gets the raw deal there."

I am from South Carolina, so I can say this with authority. Joe's answer of "YES" should have been: YES. YES. YES. YES. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES.