Friday, April 10, 2009

RW/RR Challenge: The (Almost Literal) Post-Mortem

So now that you know the players, please to enjoy this post-show discussion with special guest Sarah Blackwood, TWoP recapper for the Challenge. Sarah's one of the 3-5 people who still watch this show in the universe, and the only one ever to compare Trishelle to a Dreiser character. Hope you enjoy!

Joe: Oh my GOD this show!
Sarah: I was left speechless many times. What in the HELL? There was so much crazy shit going on, there was like no room in my head to make fun of isaac's dumb overalls.
Joe: Or his BLACKFACE!
Sarah: I KNOW.
Joe: Of course it'd be KIM'S birthday where they'd break out the Blackface.
Sarah: So let's start with the credits.
Joe: OMG the credits! I felt like apologizing to the Maori from my living room.
Sarah: You didn't think they were honoring the Maori?
Joe: I felt like they were honoring their shitty acting coaches.
Sarah: The Maori are like, "this is the least of our worries" anyhow. 'Whale Rider.' Now that's a problem."
Joe: Heee hee.

Sarah: So why is Robin so skinny?
Joe: I don't know! Maybe she quit drinking? *fingerscrossed*
Sarah: I swear its like she got a breast reduction. Maybe Shauvon's breasts are like a supermagnet and they attracted Robin's breast mass away from her?
Joe: OMG, those poor misshapen things.
Sarah: Did you happen to watch the Aftershow at all?
Joe: I did. (sad)
Sarah: Shauvon is like the trashiest porn star -- wait, no, not a "star"-- like "porn employee" I guess -- ever. With all that metal clanging around her head and dipping into her boobs? WHY was Ryan all up in her shit?
Joe: I don't know -- I love Ryan, but he always associates with the trashiest girls. Melinda. Brooke. Kellyanne. Shauvon.
Sarah: See: love, love, love, haaate.
Joe: Kellyanne grew on me, I admit.
Sarah: I feel like Ryan's trash-meter is usually spot on. Like the girls who are the right kind of trashy.
Joe: I could support that.
Sarah: I just feel so burned by Shauvon because I thought she was the right kind of trashy at first in Australia. But then she was just lame.
Joe: Plus, I don't really care for Davis as a person, but the idea that Ryan would shun Tyler and hit that w/ Davis makes me appreciate his taste.
Sarah: That's true. What's funny is i don't remember actually SEEING davis. Only being told that's whose face Ryan was sucking, and then being told that's who was under the covers with Ryan
Joe: Shamefacedly, I will admit that was totally hot. AND! I love love LOVE how every time 2 boys kiss on this show, all the straight dudes line up to watch through the windows like it's Sea World
Sarah: And J.D. from RW Brooklyn is in there giving them fish treats.
Joe: !
Sarah: (Or something. that's the best "JD dolphin training" joke i could do on short notice.)
Joe: Hey, I appreciate the effort.

Sarah: Joe, we are talking around the issue now.
Joe: We are.
Sarah: Seriously. CT? And then the Aftershow? With the DEAD BROTHER? Dead from being a raging Masshole?
Joe: It's like an entire sociology paper I don't have to write now.
Sarah: Ed and I had to take the dog on a walk and talk this all over last night (!) and I had an insight: Being stupid -- like CT stupid-- doesn't just make you unfit to, like, read novels. It makes you completely unfit for even understanding the basic emotions that you your own self feel.
Joe: It's true.
Sarah: I can't believe the producers couldn't DO anything. Like, ADAM ALMOST GOT KILLED. He totally could have killed Adam!
Joe: Plus, and I love how no one felt the need to mention the fact that this guy is punching through walls and throwing grown men off of him like rag dolls because he TOOK ALL THE STEROIDS in the world
Sarah: I KNOW! And is on cocaine probably?
Joe: Probably?
Sarah: Heh.
Joe: That being said: Adam? I recognize the impulse to now allow this guy to continually threaten, intimidate, and bully you. And you want to stand up for yourself. But you don't throw a punch at CT for the same reasons you don't throw a punch at a rabid grizzly bear.
Sarah: I know! open your eyes, Adam!
Joe: You might land one. But you're not getting that arm back.
Sarah: Adam is like Timothy Treadmill! (Treadmill? Treadwell?)
Joe: --well.
Sarah: Whatever. Tred-DEAD.
Joe: HA! I got freaked out when Diem started SHRIEKING.
Sarah: Oh god. I mean, seriously.
Joe: Also, how appropriate was it that the entire murderous fracas was secretly set in motion by my girl Smokestack?
Sarah: YES! The silent assassin.
Joe: The larangytic ... Lolita?
Sarah: Katie's at least 20 years past "Lolita."

Joe: Seriously, though, where was the taser in that situation?
Sarah: They kept mentioning "producers" but all I saw was one old dude, and then a lady. That's all the protection they provide?
Joe: I know! How have they not hired out the Hell's Angels for this gig? I've always said, though, that if there's ever gonna be a death on a reality show, it'll be on a Challenge.
Sarah: I think that is a foregone conclusion.
Joe: Roid rage + nonexistent production costs + Patron = recipe for disaster.
Sarah: + bungee cord activities.
Joe: Yes! With no budget to pay anyone to safety test them.
Sarah: They're just gonna "eyeball it."

Joe: OMG, your weecap; Kills me dead within two sentences.
"New Zealand regrets the day it ever let Peter Jackson through customs, because now look what the U.S. has dragged in: Kimberly."
Sarah: I can't believe they opened with KIMBERLY
Joe: Ugh. So also there is Paula. Who needs to have one more surgery to remove that CHIP OFF HER SHOULDER.
Sarah: Yeah, she definitely has overstayed her welcome.
Joe: I hate that she's just another asshole now.

Joe: Rolling back to the near-murder for a second: I know this is stating the obvious, but the sight of Adam, with his bloodied face and footy pajamas around his ankles, might beat CT punching a cactus for weirdest visual ever.
Sarah: I will forever love CT-- dressed like Antonio Banderas that night, remember-- punching a cactus. But Adam with those pajamas.... Being assisted by 1) Evan in a wetsuit, and then later 2) Landon in a Green Hornet leotard????
Joe: Landon! I totally forgot that.
Sarah: THAT IS LANDON'S LOT IN LIFE. To be forgotten. Even though he tries so hard-- what was it a mohawk or whatever? "Landon, nobody EVER notices you."
Joe: Also, okay, does MJ just spend his life next to the phone with a bag packed and a bandana on his head? Ready for Teej to make the call?
Sarah: Wouldn't you?
Joe: That reveal of him and Nehemiah as the replacements was the most anti-climactic thing since the season opened with Kim.
Sarah: Stupid Nehemiah.
Joe: No Derrick? No Danny? No third gay guy for threesomes? No JOEY???
Sarah: Holy crap! JOEY! Sub in one ruined guy for the other. I mean, the CT debacle; did they not learn anything from Joey's Dark Night of the Soul?
Joe: I'm still pissed nobody invited our girl Bri.
Sarah: I know, we have "Brittini" -- (seriously who the hell is that?) but not our favorite Ghetto Cheesesteak?
Joe: It's just wrong.

Joe: How about Ryan bouncing off of Big Easy like he was a rubber ball?
Sarah: Heh. And Big Easy cracking Rando Nick's hand?
Joe: HA! Yes. And thank god he did because healthy Nick probably beats Ryan. And I like looking at Ryan.
Sarah: Exactly. And nobody knows who Nick even is.
Joe: Also, are you on the edge of your seat wondering who wins the Shauvon/Aneesa showdown, after seeing Aneesa all up in the season previews?
Sarah: I mean, unless Shauvon suffocates Aneesa with her tits
Joe: You wouldn't get an even suffocation because they're so malformed.
Sarah: One's pointing off toward the mountains.
Joe: And one's pointing toward CT's blood on the ground.

And then even the Internet was like "ENOUGH about that stupid show!" and cut us off. I'm hoping we can do this for subsequent episodes, because holy crap, you guys, do I enjoy talking about these fools.


Anonymous said...

Despite hating all meatheads, I have loved CT since minute one. Granted, I don't always condone his actions, but damn, that 240 pund Masshole is good looking. I wish one day he could stay on a challenge more than 20 minutes before getting kicked off.

Bunting said...

Who IS Nick. No: seriously.

Jon said...

Why do I never see the shows where the hot(ish) guys make out?

DuchessKitty said...

Thank you Joe and Sarah for your post-show diatribe. It was exactly the conversation that I wanted to have after watching, but I was all by myself in a cabin on the beach and my dog was in no mood to humor me.
"Career first"!

stephie said...

Favorite CT quote: "I would've smashed his head in and eaten it."