Thursday, April 09, 2009

Mentally Challenge'd

I wanted to get this up before last night's premiere of the new season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, but between Idol and Lost, I couldn't get to it on time. But last season, when I started to talk Challenge to the half-dozen of you who still watch, people mentioned that they'd want a primer on who's who. Here's who's who, written before Episode 1. Post-episode thoughts to come later.

Adam
Original Season: Real World Paris
Reputation: One of those overcompensating dweeby types who fluctuates between anti-jock normalcy and irritating sycophancy. After several punkings on national television, has developed a healthy distaste for former cast-mate CT.

Aneesa
Original Season: Real World Chicago
Reputation: She will cut you with words! Total crazy hothead, but weirdly endearing. She's historically been a weak performer in the challenges, but in the last Duel she made it all the way to third place, taking out Paula, Robin, and Diem in the process.

Brad
Original Season: Real World San Diego
Reputation: The endearing meathead that all other endearing meatheads aspire to. Every season I go in trying to hate on him for being stupid and having a weird motorcycle fetish and every season I'm won over in short order. Why fight it?

Brittini
Original Season: Real World Hollywood
Reputation: She was a replacement for one of the fallen in H'wood, but I can't remember one notable thing about her. She's...pretty? I guess? The bland newbies tend to go home early, so hopefully that's the case with her.

Brooke
Original Season: Real World Denver
Reputation: In Denver, she appeared to be actually, clinically insane. On her one previous challenge appearance, she decided she was a lesbian and fell in love with Ev, on purpose. So...you decide.

CT
Original Season: Real World Paris
Reputation: Managed to gain some sympathy followers as the outcast Masshole in Paris, but subsequent Challenge appearances confirmed that they were right to shun him. Loud, bullying, drunk, violent, and mean. Punched Davis, then a cactus, en route to being eliminated on the first night on a previous challenge.

Davis
Original Season: Real World Denver
Reputation: He was the gay guy who really seemed to like making out with girls in Denver. On his last Challenge, he got punched in the eye by CT on the first night.

Derek
Original Season: Road Rules: Viewers' Revenge
Reputation: Pleeeeease con't confuse him with the other Derrick, who is tiny, ferocious, and a well-meaning mess of a guy. This one is your garden variety thick-necked jock, albeit a seeimgly nice one. Hooked up with Paula on his last challenge.

Diem
Original Season: RW/RR Challenge: Fresh Meat
Reputation: First she was boring, then she had cancer, then she was badass, then she was annoying, then she dated CT, then she had Battered Wife Syndrome, then she wore a Holly Hobby wig, then she broke up with CT.

Dunbar
Original Season: Real World Sydney
Reputation: "Mook with anger issues" doesn't exactly set a guy apart from the pack. Not on paper at least. To know Dunbar is to watch him in the wild, as his pasty frame and fetal-alcohol face slowly overheats into a raging boil over practically nothing at all. Last Challenge, it was a deficit of red meat. Seriously.

Eric
Original Season: RW/RR Challenge: Fresh Meat
Reputation: Zaftig, good-natured non-athlete who nearly died in the final leg of his last Challenge. He's come back to finish himself off, apparently.

Evan
Original Season: RW/RR Challenge: Fresh Meat
Reputation: Formerly beloved Canadian whose bloom fell off the rose after increasingly shitty comments about the useless of women. At this point, I'd pay money to see someone like Katie kick him repeatedly in the balls.

Isaac
Original Season: Real World Sydney
Reputation: Fun-loving, deeply weird, kinda cute. And in one of the preview clips for the new season, he's wearing overalls and no shirt. That's right: just like Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Jenn
Original Season: Real World Denver
Reputation: Tiny firecracker and circumstantial lesbian who has thus far seemed to keep a good balance between being competitive and cool. So, of course, in the previews it looks like she's manufacturing a whole mess of drama this time around.

Katie
Original Season: Road Rules: The Quest
Reputation: A walking, talking Marlboro 100. And God's gravel-voiced gift to Challenges. Crazy, drunk nicotine factory who will flip on you so goddamn fast. And yet: Funny, loyal, and almost always winds up in opposition to the people who are most annoying me. She can stay.

Kimberly
Original Season: Real World Hollywood
Reputation: Hella annoying Southern jerk with a debilitating superiority complex and an ugly tendency towards class-based racism. Charming thing, really.

Landon
Original Season: Real World Philadelphia
Reputation: Wee little musclehead who is totally not gay no matter how much he sounds it. Other than his ridiculous body, he's kind of incredibly boring.

Mark
Original Season: Road Rules 1
Reputation: He's been on MTV reality shows since the Kennedy was still a VJ, okay? Since there was a thing called a "VJ"! (Several years removed from that title having any meaning at the network, "VJ" seems even more like a slang term for vagina, doesn't it?)

Nick
Original Season: Real World Hollywood
Reputation: Wow, no idea.

Paula
Original Season: Real World Key West
Reputation: Quite the rollercoaster, actually. From mentally unstable abuse victim in Key West to unexpectedly tenacious competitor, to honestly cool girl, to boob-implanted gone-Hollywood Challenge lifer, to her sad, sad end, crying alone on The Island after being betrayed by a guy named "Johnny Bananas."

Rachel
Original Season: Road Rules: Campus Crawl
Reputation: Formerly Challenge Mean Girl who stopped doing Challenges when people stopped being afraid of her. Returned last season as a be-turbaned veteran who no one really understood. Except Jenn, who made out with her a bunch.

Robin
Original Season: Real World San Diego
Reputation: Oh, girl. How do you solve a problem like Robin? It's actually pretty cut and dried: Robin when she isn't drinking is a halfway cool, funny girl. Drunk Robin, however, is a sloshy, embarrassing mess given to things like getting arrested and talking about her bedmate's limp dick.

Ruthie
Original Season: Real World Hawaii
Reputation: The rare success story, who overcame her own alcohol addiction to become a challenge beast that one time many, many years ago. She came back for another Challenge after that and went out more like a lab. But a sober lamb! I'm kind of hoping she's looking to kick some ass again.

Ryan
Original Season: RW/RR Challenge: Fresh Meat
Reputation: My total boyfriend, despite his unfortunate tendency to make out with girls who are crazy (Kellyanne). Showed his (mostly) discerning taste by (mostly) spurning Tyler's increasingly desperate advances a couple Challenges ago.

Shauvon
Original Season: RealWorld Sydney
Reputation: A complete, vapid waste of a spot on this roster. Could they not have convinced her cast-mate Tricia instead? That girl was awful, but at least she was worth hating.

Tori
Original Season: Road Rules: Viewers' Revenge
Reputation: Veered wildly between being a cool competitor and an abrasive loudmouth. Last seen dating Brad.

2 comments:

OleNelson said...

Excellent rundown!

Except I feel there are other, even more unfortunate, layers to Adam than you acknowledge. Yes, he has occasional normalcy. Yes, he can be a complete kiss-ass. But he ALSO has weird aspirations toward bad-assery. This last bit is what made him (a) think it was a good idea to PUNCH CT BACK (!) and (b) most likely prone to bragging about his weak-ass punch now.

Dan Mac said...

The rare success story, who overcame her own alcohol addiction to become a challenge beast

Am I the only one who thought Ruthie was replaced by her identical twin after RW: Hawaii? No, seriously, remember how she had an identical twin?