Saturday, September 20, 2008

Smooth Joey Apollo's 2008 NFL Picks: Week 3

Last Week:
Aaron: 9-6 (0-1 vs. the spread)
Joe: 11-4 (1-0 vs. the spread)

Season To Date
Aaron: 18-13 (0-2 vs. the spread)
Joe: 21-10 (2-0 vs. the spread)

Arizona at Washington
Aaron: Damned if I'm not (shhh) rooting for Kurt Warner. And, considering I'm heading for that place "where where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers" that's high praise. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Oh, big deal, I've been drinking naught but burning hot cola for years. And much as Warner's continued success is hindering the professional development of Matty Angel Face, I've started to root for him too. Of course, it helps that both he and Anquan Boldin are on my fantasy team. On a related note: can they play the Dolphins every week? ...Damn. Pick: Arizona

Kansas City at Atlanta
Aaron: Last week, the Raiders ran for eleventy billion yards against KC and this week, one of my money-league fantasy backs gets that same Chiefs D-line. Excuse me for a cha cha cha! Pick: Atlanta

Joe: It'd be nice if I could get a handle on this Atlanta team. Maybe they can help me out this week by being either really great (like they were against Detroit) or utterly inept (like they were against the Bucs). They can further help me out by getting the damn ball to Roddy White already. Pick: Atlanta

Oakland at Buffalo
Aaron: The Raiders one strength is negated as RBs Justin Fargas and Darren McFadden sustained injuries last week. On a personal note, I'd like to point out that the Raiders are 19-15 lifetime vs. the Bills, so kiss my Black ass, Joe Reid. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I'm not saying anything. This giant smile on my face is for completely unrelated reasons, likely to do with gas. (And if I'm being honest, a loss to the Raiders now that everybody's gotten their hopes up would be way more devastating than if the Raiders were any good, so you should be able to hang your hat on that, Cam.) Pick: Buffalo

Tampa Bay at Chicago
Aaron: The Bucs run defense ensures that Bears QB Kyle Orton will have to throw the ball to win this game. I remain floored that he's fooled so many people into thinking he's a competent quarterback. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: My first inclination was to scoff at your West Coast Jaworski brand of analysis, but...yeah, pretty much. The Bucs D guarantees them 8-8 at worst this season. Pick: Tampa Bay

Carolina at Minnesota
Aaron: I welcome the Gus Frerotte era because (1) he's older than me and (2) he made a Pro Bowl?! I mean, I know that's not an exclusive honor, but...really?! Pick: Minnesota

Joe: I'm starting to think this Minnesota team is kinda crappy. Kinda really crappy. (And thus fulfills my contractual obligation to call the Vikings garbage at least once per season.) Pick: Carolina

Houston at Tennessee
Aaron: Even though I expected it, I am LOVING the media and talk-show callers framing the fragile emotional state of Vince Young and his possible thoughts of suicide in the context of "is this the guy we want leading our team?" Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Am I being overly optimistic in thinking that unexpected bye week might give the Texans a chance to re-boot their ill-begun season? ...On the road? Whatever, Tennessee's not THAT good. Pick: Houston

Cincinnati at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: Increasingly sh*tty Bengals QB Carson Palmer called out some of his teammates after last season, in which he led the league in interceptions. No one dared assign any of the blame to Palmer for this mess. Quit copying, Brett Favre! Pick: NY Giants

Joe: I think it's become crystal clear what happened here. After Palmer made those vicious/awesome anti-Ohio State comments on the radio in the offseason, Buckeye fans en masse employed The Secret to destroy his athletic ability. ...And then their team got their asses heinously kicked last week. Aw. Pick: NY Giants

Miami at New England
Aaron: The Pats beat a mediocre Jets team by nine points and only outgained them by four yards. Thankfully, the parade of creampuffs continue as I eagerly await another week of "Matt Cassel has Arrived" stories online. Didya know he never started a game in college or the pros before last week? Pick: New England

Joe: Well at least ONE other person has last week's Pats win in the right perspective. Of course, he goes and ruins it all by (SPOILER) picking them to win by two touchdowns this week. ...Dude. You're breakin' my balls here. Pick: New England (, like, six)

St. Louis at Seattle
Aaron: Will the Seahawks be the first team St. Louis keeps under 38 points this season? Will the Rams score more than their 8 points per game average? Oh, hurry up and play already, fellas! Pick: Seattle

Joe: Don't worry, Seattle fans. Every single one of your receivers may be out for extended periods of time, your QB may be banged up, and you may have just lost at home to the 49ers, but John McCain said this morning that the fundamentals of your team is sound. Feel better now? Pick: Seattle

Detroit at San Francisco
Aaron: For a league that proudly trumpets its parity, the Lions have sucked ass for a long, long time. Has anyone else noticed this? Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Two very similar teams, right? No defense to speak of, pass-happy offenses, and sporadic ground games. Not good football, but it won't be boring. By the way, I'm breaking every one of my Detroit guidelines here, picking them 1) on the road, 2) on grass, and 3) to a team that isn't the Rams, Chiefs, or Bengals. Consider this a belated birthday present to Mrs. Bootlet. Pick: Detroit

New Orleans at Denver
Aaron: With apologies and condolences to the friends, family and former teammates of late Broncos DB Darrent Williams, this one's going to be a f*cking shoot-out, yo. Pick: Denver

Joe: The first time you haven't blurbed the word "Katrina" in a Saints-related write-up and this is what you come up with? Looks like LaDanian's not the only classy guy in San Diddy. Pick: Denver

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Aaron: Why does every story about the early struggles of Peyton Manning have to include how "sick" he feels about Tom Brady's injury? In MY day, Kenny Stabler didn't give a damn about Terry Bradshaw. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: The frantic optimism of Jaguars backers (not just fans but everyone who staked their reputation on the Jags being the trendy dark horse Super Bowl pick) insisting that Jacksonville has the NFL right where they want them reminds me of a certain father and son, racing to catch up to an airborne pig. It's still good! It's still good! Pick: Indianapolis

Cleveland at Baltimore
Aaron: When did Braylon Edwards turn into this ubiquitous league-wide sex symbol whose image haunts every page load on Yahoo fantasy football? Is he still with the Browns? Pick: Cleveland

Joe: Before everyone shovels that last bit of dirt on the '08 Browns' season, let's remember that they opened against Dallas and Pittsburgh. Let's maybe hold off and see what they do against a team they actually should beat. Pick: Cleveland

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
Aaron: Lost in all the hubbub over Desean Jackson's preening non-touchdown last week was the equally hilarious Andrea Kramer interview with Ben Roethlisberger after the Steelers game on NBC. He ignored every question about his shoulder from the bug-eyed, expired eye-candy. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Wow, athlete gives evasive, platitude-laden interview? I'm scandalized. Back to Jackson, though: this is why I feel that Leon Lett, Chuck Knobloauch, and Manny Ramirez should be kept in a booth somewhere and forced to watch along with all of these games just so we can get reaction shots from them when someone like DeSean Jackson joins their exclusive society. Pick: Philadelphia

Dallas at Green Bay
Aaron: I watch this or the ESPN2 coverage of the last game at a historic ballpark that was essentially torn down and completely rebuilt in the mid-1970s? Tough call. Will Pat Kelly stop by the booth for an inning with Jon Miller and Joe Morgan? If so, I'm in. Pick: Dallas

Joe: You talk like Yankee fans are ashamed of Pat Kelly or something. Sure he sucked, but it was what made him interesting. If only they could round up Pat and Roberto Kelly. That would be worth ditching this game for. And, hey, at least this one's on a channel everybody gets, not like last year's NFL Network travesty. Pick: Dallas

N.Y. Jets at San Diego
Aaron: I've lived in San Diego for more than 13 years. Best Week Ever. Pick: San Diego

Joe: I'd almost rather LT take a month off and rehab the goddamn toe than literally limp along at 20 yards per game. I can't complain, because I had him on my fantasy team 2 years ago when he was awesome for a full season, but damn. This sucks. Pick: San Diego

The Sure Thing Suicide Spread:

Aaron: Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots (-13)
Joe: Carolina (+3.5) at Minnesota


Jeff Hansen said...

1) Let me just say that everything up this point is gravy because Aaron Rodgers is not an embarrassment as a quarterback. Also, I believe I lost 3 years of my life on last year's Packers/Cowboys, both the suckiness of Favre and the almost goodiness of Rodgers. So, yeah. I have a fair bit riding on this game, mentally.

2) Candy Maldanado. Just because.

3) I am a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan. I understand the Seahawks pain, only if they had surprisingly traded Hasselbeck to the Bills after they won the Grey Cup. And then had a run of luck that made Barney Gumble look like a weak payout.

4) Sucking ass can go beyond parity. Not just the Lions but the Raiders would like to speak with you. (Signed the Seahawks 6-10 division champions PAC.)

5) Correct. I would rather Tony K was forced to remember his own almost-TD than his seven-per-game-"you know who he reminds me of".

6) K, gotcha. Hochuli fucked up once. a) NO ONE talks about it if he is not the official who whistles it dead; b) what circle of hell is reserved for the "yeah, love the Packers, but Favre has been such a douchebag that..." fan that I was two months ago. STILL, how can one not presume and hope that the Chargers win???

That Bootleg Guy said...

Looks like J-obama's early season lead has been erased. Thank you, Jacksonville and Detroit!

Joe Reid said...

I guess you take your small victories where you can find 'em.

That Bootleg Guy said...

Well, it's not as small as beating one of the three worst teams in the league at home on a last second FG, but hey...wave that 3-0 flag, Joe Reid! First place! AFC East!

Have the T-shirts been screen-printed?

If so, I'll assume they've already moved to the top of you Wish List.

jessica said...

You're killing me, Joe. Goddamn killing me.