Friday, September 12, 2008

Smooth Joey Apollo's 2008 NFL Picks: Week 2

Last Week's Results:
Joe: 10-6
Aaron: 9-7

The Sure Thing Suicide Spread:
Joe: 1-0
Aaron: 0-1

WEEK 2

Buffalo at Jacksonville
Aaron: Was the Bills' week #1 win over Seattle meaningful or just the by-product of facing a Seahawks team that only suited up six men on offense, including a quarterback that played with a fractured spine? Discuss. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: The pragmatist in me wants to take it easy and not go overboard. Because, yes, Seattle looked pretty dismal and depleted last week. But Cam's cockiness in dismissing the Bills' win as a fluke has my dander up just enough to do something foolish. Pick: Buffalo

Chicago at Carolina
Aaron: Listening to John Madden play up the merits of Bears QB Kyle Orton last Sunday night should leave no doubt the old man died years ago and all we've been hearing the past few seasons are the dormant gasses leaving his decomposing body. Pick: Carolina

Joe: These would be the Week 1 poster teams for why the NFC might not be the AFC's doormat anymore. Chicago may not need to depend on the dubious merits of their fratty QB if Matt Forte has anything to say about it. Look for Rosario Dawson to continue to play well for the Panthers, though, in the most stunningly successful career-swapping since Alex Karras adopted an adorable black kid. Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Cincinnati
Aaron: Vince Young's apparent emotional breakdown is one of those serious real-life events that everyone concludes "puts things in perspective". That is until it becomes an online punchline and anonymous teammates start whispering to the media behind his back. I love sports. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: You know, between Vince Young going off the reservation and Jeff Garcia getting benched for highly dubious reasons in Tampa Bay, this might be the worst week for gay NFL QBs in history. Not bad enough to make me wish Kordell Stewart was still playing, though. Pick: Tennessee

New Orleans at Washington
Aaron: If the Saints were 100% healthy, they'd ethnically cleanse the field of Redskins (hey, I didn't name 'em). While I buy every argument for a step forward for Reggie Bush this season, the 'Skins gotta win sometime. Pick: Washington

Joe: Oh, do they? This won't be pretty, but no Redskins game this season will be. Pick: New Orleans

Green Bay at Detroit
Aaron: At this point, the Lions, Rams and Raiders should just secede from the league. But, that would leave an odd number of teams and someone would have to have a bye every week and then it gets really messy. Aaron Rodgers' STFU Tour rolls on. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Did you see Jon Kitna screaming at his teammates on the sideline last week? Guess someone forgot to consult his Who Would Jesus Berate? bracelet that day. Pick: Green Bay

N.Y. Giants at St. Louis
Aaron: The Giants have the Rams, Bengals, bye week, Seattle and Cleveland before a late October showdown with the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Can a 5-0 start steal some of the thunder from Saint Favre's arrival in New York? Please? Pick: NY Giants

Joe: So, help me out here, national sports media: does Eli Manning still suck? ...Really? Okay. Because he just won a...no, okay. You seem pretty certain. Can I check back again next week? Just to satisfy my own curiosity? Thanks. Pick: NY Giants

Oakland at Kansas City
Aaron: I'm officially pulling for my Raiders to go 0-16 this year. Maybe then - at rock bottom - management will finally realize what a Knicks-sized lampoon they've become. We're the Suge Knight of once-scary teams. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: You know, I made a number of decent calls last week. San Diego and the Colts being on shaky ground. Jacksonville not being all that. Buffalo winning. Pittsburgh looking like a Super Bowl contender. None of that makes up for my faith in the Raiders as a possible sleeper team. Forget that they're in no way a sleeper -- they're barely a team. Pick: Kansas City

Indianapolis at Minnesota
Aaron: Every year there's a supposed Super Bowl contender that starts off September slowly. If that's not justification enough for this pick, I'll say that Peyton Manning - after watching him vs. the Bears last week - is either (1) hurt or (2) aging quicker'n Kathleen Turner after her shapely middle-aged legs were the selling point of V.I. Warshawski. What? I don't know anyone more recent. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: I am speechless. I can't keep up with a V.I. Warshawski line. Not even if I mention how Vikings coach Brad Childress bears an uncanny resemblance to one of Kirstie Alley's loser blind dates in Look Who's Talking. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Pick: Indianapolis

San Francisco at Seattle
Aaron: That's...umm...quite the collection of talent in the NFC West this year. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Everybody's making the "Call up Steve Largent!" jokes with regard to the Seahawks' dire WR situation, but nobody's making the equally compelling Brian Blades jokes. Or Robb Thomas. Or Ricky Prohel...wait, that's a good idea! Pick: San Francisco

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Aaron: I'm nowhere near convinced that last week's Atlanta Wrecking Machine is legit. But, the Bucs have benched QB Jeff Garcia in favor of Brian Griese? Little early to be thinking about 2009 draft position, don'cha think Tampa Bay? Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Cam's thinking with the QBs, while my mind is on the RBs. Earnest Graham vs. Michael Turner. Since my understanding is that the Bucs, unlike other Atlanta opponents this year, are actually in possession of a defensive line, they may have a shot here. Pick: Tampa Bay

Miami at Arizona
Aaron: The Dolphins were essentially beaten by two Brett Favre lollipops last week. I'd argue that Cards QB Kurt Warner is at least as good as Favre, but with unquestionably better receivers. You had your chance, Miami. Pick: Arizona

Joe: It's been articulated elsewhere, but it bears repeating: if Arizona can't win the NFC West this year, they might as well just call it a franchise and pack it in. Pick: Arizona

New England at N.Y. Jets
Aaron: More talented team? Patriots. More talented quarterback? Push. More talented team? Patriots. Home field advantage? Jets. More talented team...well, you get the idea. Pick: New England

Joe: Stupid rock and a hard place. Either the Jets beat the defending AFC champs under the blinding halo of Our Lord and Savior Brett Favre and the national sports media start engraving his name on the MVP trophy or else the Pats continue to win under the new QB, inflating the hopes and egos of Boston sports fans and making them think they've found their next unheralded all-star even though this can't end in anything but heartbre-- Hey now! Liking that hard place! Pick: New England

San Diego at Denver
Aaron: The Chargers have owned the Broncos recently and Denver isn’t nearly as good as they looked against the JV squad last week. Seems simple enough to me. Pick: San Diego

Joe: If this is going to be the season LaDanian Tomlinson finally succumbs to nagging injuries, I will not be a pleasant person to be around this year. Pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Aaron: It seems like only two weeks ago when people were using the word “playoffs” in the same sentence with “Cleveland Browns”. Did everyone forget their QB Derek Anderson’s month-long bed-wetting in December of last year and preseason concussion this year? Everyone? Idiots. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Now it's gotten to the point where people are underrating the Browns, though. A lot of teams are gonna look inept against the Cowboys. Unfortunately for Romeo "Field Goal When Down Three Touchdowns" Crennel, a lot of teams are gonna look inept against the Steelers too. Pick: Pittsburgh

Baltimore at Houston
Aaron: We usually have to wait until week #13 or #14 for such a damn fine match-up between otherwise anonymous squads who'll only merit live regional coverage and minimal post-game highlights. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: So the residents of Houston will have to endure a punishing hurricane, high winds, flooding, loss of property, and just an overall horrific experience...only to find this game as their light at the end of the tunnel? ...Eeesh. Pick: Houston

Philadelphia at Dallas
Aaron: This has the offensive makings of one of those MNF games that pulls victory out of the jaws of certain defeat for fantasy owners who happen to start one of these two QBs. On an unrelated note, come onnnnnnnn, Romo! Pick: Dallas

Joe: Did I not tell you Jessica Simpson was gonna be a problem? Somebody needs to do something about that bitch. ...No, no, I can use that word. I'm reclaiming it for guys who want to talk about women they're showing no respect for. Pick: Dallas


The Sure Thing Suicide Spread
Aaron: Oakland at Kansas City (-2.5)
Joe: San Francisco (+7) at Seattle

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