Monday, September 22, 2008

The Midnight Ho Train

So I saw The Midnight Meat Train at, appropriately, a midnight showing over he weekend, and it was...pretty crappy, actually. It had its moments, but none of it hung together, some of the terror scenes were kind of ineptly filmed, and Bradley Cooper and Leslie Bibb -- God love 'em both -- were terrible.

Jason at MNPP does the movie better justice, such as it is, better than I can, but I do have to chime in and give a lil' shout-out to Brooke Shields, who plays Cooper's uber-stereotypical art-dealer boss, all slinky appraisals and aggressive come-ons and career-crushing dismissiveness. Shields plays the character with a mixture of poor technique and high enthusiasm that recalls the best work of one Demi Moore. It's that good.

In a movie that doesn't seem to know where it's going for most of the time, Brooke's character couldn't be more predictable. From the second she follows her half-pound of eye makeup into frame, you know her hand is going to end up on Bradley Cooper's crotch. And when it does, it's a lot like getting that first fun-size Milky Way on Halloween. It's never a surprise, really -- it's Halloween, this is how it's supposed to happen. But on the other hand, who's gonna turn down a fun-size Milky Way?

For as meagerly entertaining as Meat Train was, it wouldn't be half that without Brooke Shields. You go, Suddenly Susan.


Admiral Neck said...

While you sadden me, Mr. R., you make me feel better for not chasing down the single UK screening of this film out of nostalgic love for Clive Barker projects. To be honest, with the serially underwhelming Ryuhei Kitamura onboard, the chances of it being any good were slim, but I held out hope nevertheless.

But we can still look forward to Bonkers Brooke. Swings and roundabouts.

"Lady" Bea said...

But...but...Bradley Cooper is so PRETTY.

Not enough, huh?

Damn it, I was kind of looking forward to this one. I mean, Clive Barker AND Will Tippin? I figured it couldn't go wrong.