Thursday, September 11, 2008

The Island! THE ISLAND!

Week One of the new season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Island is in the books. You have no idea how embarassingly psyched I was as we approached 10 PM. Last night. Anyway, the first thing you need to do is head on over to TWoP and catch the Drunken Bee weecap of said episode. Sarah's got her finger on the pulse of this show and is on my exact wavelength. She's also the only person I know who could discuss which Real World alumnae match up with early 20th century literary heroines. Ask one of us about Trishelle as Sister Carrie sometime.

Anyway, Sarah was also kind enough to engage in a Challenge post-mortem over AIM. And you good people get to reap that particular windfall right now. Hey, if I can't recap this shit, I sure as hell am gonna blog about it.

Drunken Bee: I think we need to call this island recap meeting to order, sir!!
Joe: That is so sad!
DB: She is not looking good.
Joe: Noooo!
DB: But I feel like they should have highlighted that information more. You know, as a sort of public service announcement? "Do Not Come on These Shows, This is What Will Happen to You."
Joe: But I was saying, I don't want to make fun of her, because she clearly moved to Nebraska and got fat because L.A. was literally killing her, so...
DB: I know, it's true. Oh god. Maybe they should make a town in the prairie for all of them to head to eventually? Like whatsheroldface who was hanging around the Hollywood Real World and got cheated on and made a fool of? She's going to be spit out by LA soon enough.
Joe: My question is: what happened to Walla Walla, girl?
DB: I know! Like, what does Nebraska have that Walla Walla doesn't!?
Joe: And Derrick's poor would-be child.
DB: Oh god. So clearly a shotgun situation.
Joe: I always hate to hear when these people get married and spawn. Like, god forbid Johanna and Kenny conceive a child.
DB: Oh lord.
Joe: I still love Kenny's self-aware Jersey mook routine, and I'm glad Johanna threw off the shackles of Wes, but...
DB: I know -- they're really testing my patience. Because I DO love Kenny...though as Ed said of Johanna last night: "She's kind of wearing out her welcome."

Question: do you think they didn't invite Wes because that would make too many short, pale, muscledudes?
DB: That had to have been an issue when casting Dave. They were like, listen, we've already got some issues distinguishing Abram and Wes...throw this guy Dave in there and... "Okay, lose the Downs Syndrome kid."
Joe: Dave's looking plenty Downs for everyone, too. Err, Dan, I mean. Dan the one I don't know.
DB: Who IS that guy?!
Joe: I think they found him on the way to Panama.
DB: He got stranded there after his frat left suddenly after a spring break snafu with a poor Panamanian prostitute.

Joe: And Dunbar totally would say "plantation," too.
DB: I was thinking I should have put a line in there about how he feels at home on plantations what with all the incest and stuff.
Joe: So let's talk about who got fat and who got hot. Because Abram shed all of his Adam-punching bloat and donated it to Ashli's ass.
DB: Jenn: fat. Ed and I had a whole debate that went something like "Ashli got fat." "Well, she always did have a fat face." Pause to wait for camera pan across her body. "Oh, yeah."
Joe: Jenn cracked my ass up, all bewildered like "I guess I'm Rachel's girlfriend now."
DB: "Do I like her like I like men? No."
Joe: "But, you know, gotta shove my tongue down something."

Why does Colie wear her hair like that? Why why why why?
Joe: Also, Ryan needs to stop kissing Kellyanne, for Pete's sake.
DB: Gah, I know.
Joe: Though it helps explain why he hooked up with Tyler.
DB: "Equal opportunity gay."
Joe: And Johnny Bananas still apparently thinks the girls are the devil even though EVERY SEASON he gets snaked by the guys.
DB: I know! Poor bananas. He's such a tool. I love him.
Joe: "Oh, Bananas, you are the essence of date rape."
Joe: !!!
DB: He just truly is, him and his "girls are like this, boys are like this" idiocy.
Joe: Oh good, you picked up on the Hollywood Squares vibe too. Fitting!
DB: Right?
Joe: The Pizza Hut kills me though. It's like Parker Posey and the DQ. You couldn't make up a more perfectly sad fate.
DB: I know. Wasn't she married?
Joe: ...Maybe?
DB: She's totally like an indie movie waiting to be made. If only it were still the '90s.

Joe: We were all laughing at Tyrie being all "Game on, bitches!" even though he's lasted a combined three weeks in two challenges.
DB: Common denominator on all of them: short memories, long delusions. Like what Kors said about Suede on Project Runway. (My fave Kors quote this season.)
Joe: Dude, Michael Kors was on FIRE last night.
DB: I know! I loved when he reached over and gently brushed Nina's arm in mocking solidarity over Suede. Gave me such a thrill!
Joe: Thank God Nina's back too. I loved Laura Bennett, but a runway without Nina being confused at Blayne is not a good runway.
DB: So true.
Joe: His dress was so ridiculous.
DB: It was like what I used to do to my My Little Ponies when I'd "dress" them in yarn and ribbon.
Joe: "Pooping fabric." God damn right.
DB: Not to mention what was happening on the front. That was some STD territory.
Joe: Another question: bigger waste of hot -- Brody Jenner or Keith the unpleasant gay Mormon?
DB: Wow. Blowing my mind. I think I have to say Keith. Though I am sympathetic to his "small town intolerance" issues.
Joe: I am too, but way to be an asshole, guy.
DB: He was just so fundamentally unlikable. Also, though (and this mitigates the hot): kind of a mouth breather.

Here's ANOTHER PR question: Did it take you longer to remember Jerry from this season or Carmen from last season?
DB: Jerry. I was like who is this guy?
Joe: It took me FOREVER to remember Carmen. Then she spoke.
DB: That whole scene was so weird. They were in such weird lighting. What was the point?
Joe: More of a tranny-voice: Project Runway Carmen or Real World Robin?
DB: Robin.
Joe: (Sorry this has become the SATs, but I need to know!)
DB: Robin's voice is one of the last pure joys I have in this world. Part of this is because: her voice did not used to be like that, right?!
Joe: Her crying clip in the "this season" montage has me worried for her well being.
Joe: OMG, Jessica Simpson is a TOTALLY SHITTY country singer.
DB: Sweetheart, I still haven't even heard the Katy Perry song yet. I'm totes behind on my pop music.
Joe: I am watching The View right now, is why I know. Not that that's any better.


Sarah said...

So, you're going to post the picture of Cohutta and Kellyanne in bed RIGHT AFTER she totally leaned out of bed all cazh, BOOTED ON THE FLOOR, AND LEFT. IT. THERE., but you're not going to comment on it?


Brett said...

Please tell me that you're going to continue to post these conversations after the Challenges. I laughed so hard! Awesome.

Grunt said...

My problem is that I haven't watched the Real World in so long that I think Tonya is probably from the last season I watched. Therefore, with the exception of people like Beth and Veronica who seem to show up at every-other one of these things, I know almost no-one.

So I would read the recaps but I would first need a primer for who each contestant is, what season they were on, and what types of things they have done to embarress themselves in the past. With photos. Then I could possibly follow it.

dan mac said...

Let he who has never vomited off the side of his bed cast the first stone.