Monday, May 19, 2008

A Recipe For Hating Yourself

Is there anything worse than sitting down with a bright red, pristine-looking apple, anticipating it in the manner one does, only to bite into it and find you've got a soft, mushy apple instead? God damn, that will just ruin your whole afternoon. You have a very specific expectation of what an apple should taste like: cold, crisp, some perfect mix of sweetness and tart, makes an audible crack when you bite into it. The degree to which an apple falls short of that is the degree to which that apple sucks, as far as I see it.

So my question to you, friends, is why am I still eating it? Why have I not chucked this into the trash, told the entire Macintosh variety of apples to go fuck themselves and picked up a Red Delicious that tastes like a proper apple should taste? Why am I finishing this disgusting sphere of mush? What have I become?

What?

19 comments:

OleNelson said...

Guck. Red Delicious = Profound Mealiness in my experience. Braeburn or bust, baby!

Linda said...

I have to agree. Both the Macintosh and the Red Delicious are bound to disappoint.

AB and the Bear Suits said...

I agree with both olenelson and linda. My vote is for Honeycrisp. Except they're not quite in season yet, I think. Red Delicious are awful.

JA said...

I like pears.

Joe Reid said...

1) More Red Delicious for me, it seems. I don't know when I started liking them so much, but just thinking about them -- the ones with the bright, waxy skin that give that hollow little thump when you flick them with your finger...yum.

2) Pears are communist.

Kris McN said...

Wait, is this post really about apples? Because I was trying to figure out what you were trying to say about your computing needs. Or maybe it was a metaphor for some movie you just saw. I was really having trouble wrapping my mind around it. Hmm. Maybe I need to cut back on my caffeine intake.
If we really are talking about apples, then seriously?! Red Delicious?! It's like the Beefsteak Tomato of the the apple world, Joe. Gala, Fuji, Pink Lady, Cameo. You're in NY right? You should be able to get Northern Spies out there. Anything, anything but a Red Delicious (except maybe the Golden Delicious - even mealier). And, yes, pears are communist. Delectably so!

trish said...

I recommend ... oh, what the hell are they, Empires, I think? Something like that. They're a nice transition from red to green apples. A gateway drug, if you will, to a Granny Smith. I'm also a fan of a good Fuji.

NYOne said...

Macouns (Macowens?) are really the only apples I get excited about, but this is totally the wrong time of year. Apples = fall. Get yourself a peach, for heaven's sake!

Joe Reid said...

You know, I didn't intend for this post to be a metaphor about anything, but now that I've got that idea in my head, I want to retrofit some sort of deeper meaning to it. Don't continue to eat the mushy Macintosh in your lives! Make the change!

And ohhhh, a Fuji or Empire apple would also hit the spot right about now.

Or a peach, that is true also. I've traditionally been turned off by the fuzz (yes, I am still partisan to canned peaches in all their syrupy goodness), but I've gotten better at being an adult about the whole thing.

That Bootleg Guy said...

Is this really a post on food, Joe? Really?

Fucking lazy, yo.

SecretMargo said...

Try the "Asian pears" (aka "nashi" in Japanese). They are awesome, and not very pearlike. Crisp, cool, etc.

Also, you eat it instead of throwing it away because you just read this NYT article

Joe Reid said...

Yeah, I get what that article is saying, but my half-eaten apple isn't going to be able to feed starving people in India people anyway, so I figure that's between me and the Lord.

SecretMargo said...

Oops, I didn't mean to sound so chide-y! I meant that you being unable to stop yourself from eating the whole mealy thing reminded me of that article, not that the guilt it inspires is an ethical imperative or even particularly rational, as you point out.

Joe Reid said...

No, that's totally cool. I was completely responding to the article (we'll meet again, New York Times!).

patty m. said...

What about the unholy Grapple? I'm still scratching my head about that one. Some food scientist out there was staring at his basket of fruit one day, and suddenly thought, "By George, I've got it! I'll make an apple that tastes like a grape! And then I'll sell it to a grower who will package them in a ridiculous plastic case so people can only buy four at a time. Why eat food when you can eat FOOD (TM)?"

Anonymous said...

Gala! I hate apples, but I love galas.

jessica said...

Jesus. Have a Cortland. Or an Empire. Or a Rome. I actually like Macintosh apples some of the time but you can occasionally get a bad one. Red Delicious are horrid. Granny Smith leaves all the reds in the dust anyway.

Also, asian pears are sooooooooo good.

StinkyLulu said...

GALA!


(Though I love Pinatas and New Mexico No Names but those are sorta arcane...)

Ron said...

Go with Pink Lady. Never mushy, and the signal to noise ratio is off the charts.