Monday, April 28, 2008

The Low Res "Ain't Seeing It" Summer Movie Preview

Ten Summer Movies I Have No Intention Of Seeing


Hancock
I was on the fence about this movie -- and leaning towards probably seeing it, all things considered -- back when I thought it was some post-apocalyptic thing and not a movie about a cranky superhero. I don't know whether I was confusing this with I Am Legend or what, but until I saw the trailer the other day, I was completely misinformed. Because this movie? Looks like it's going to suuuuuck. Part of it is that I'm not a big fan of the big Will Smith persona, but part of it is that it just looks...stupid. Silly. Even for a superhero movie.

The Incredible Hulk
This viewpoint is probably not shared by many, but I really feel for Edward Norton here. He just got his career back on track with The Illusionist and The Painted Veil, and he builds up enough clout to get to headline a major studio tentpole movie and he ends up with...this disaster. Or disaster-to-be (though I don't have much doubt). And yeah, his reputation as a behind-the-scenes meddler has resurfaced with a vengeance, but while I wouldn't love to work with him, I kind of feel him because he's got a lot riding on this movie. This awful, awful movie.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
You know, I don't begrudge anyone else rediscovering their childhood with this movie, but even if I hadn't already learned my lesson about that kind of thing with the Star Wars, Indiana Jones was never really my thing anyway. As a result, the whole corporate thrust behind this trip back to the Indy well seems really prominent for me -- especially the grooming of Dear Shia as Indy 2.0. Pass.

Kung Fu Panda
I wouldn't even consider this a summer blockbuster if I hadn't been seeing a stand-up display in the Times Square theatre for the last six months or so. I'm still holding onto my affection for Jack Black with both hands and ten fingernails, so I'm definitely staying away from this for fear that the strain would be too much.

The Love Guru
Ohhhh, Mike Myers. Please just let me enjoy my happy memories of Dr. Evil and leave me in peace.



The Mummy:Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor
Wow. I can't believe they're still making Mummy movies. Also: what is Maria Bello doing within thirty yards of this movie?

Sex and the City
Initially, despite feeling guilty about it, I figured this was definitely a movie I was going to see. I'm not sure that my opinion on it has changed, I just don't think I know anybody who'll see it with me. And I'm totally not gay enough to see it by myself.

Step Brothers
The era where I will see just any Will Ferrell movie is long, long, long past.

Tropic Thunder
Robert Downey Jr. will get me to see a lot of things (Two Girls And A Guy...it still burns), but I'm drawing the line at the latest Ben Stiller actor/director effort, comedic blackface be damned.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan
I'll admit, the trailer took me closer than I ever thought I'd get to wanting to see this movie. I just can't imagine myself forming the words to purchase a full-price ticket to this or (in the event that I try to circumvent my shame by buying online) telling people I know that I'm going to see You Don't Mess With The Zohan. Plus that annoying woman from Entourage is in it.


...And, Okay, Ten Summer Movies I Probably Will Be Seeing


The Dark Knight
For reasons too numerous (and sometimes depressing) to mention.

Get Smart
For a TV show I never watched, I've thought this was an expertly put-together summer comedy. Love the casting of Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, and The Rock. Loved that poster with Hathaway's Agent 99 almost totally obscuring Carell's Maxwell Smart. Loved the trailers. I'm in.

The Happening
M. Night Syamalan's new movie. Because I never learn my lesson. Ever.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
The first Hellboy was a solid, if not mind-blowing, action movie. Seeing as standards for summer movies have dropped so much in the intervening four years, that puts the sequel in a high echelon indeed.

Iron Man
For Robert Downey Jr. and only for Robert Downey Jr. Okay, a little for Jeff Bridges.



Pineapple Express
It took me a while to work up a head of steam for a movie that looked to be, essentially, just the pot-smoking scenes from Knocked Up stretched into an entire movie. But then I got to thinking of James Franco re-entering the Apatow fold for the first time since Freaks and Geeks, and that trailer was really funny...yeah, I'm in. And David Gordon Green's directing! How weird!

Speed Racer
I've been sold on this movie by other people. Now that I look at the footage, it really does look like they made a Mario Kart movie.

The Strangers
That part in the trailer where Liv Tyler's on the phone in the empty room and...you know, just watch the trailer. It's freaked me out every time. Also: Dennis from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia! Though he probably does get killed.

Wall-E
Eh. Probably. Pixar always delivers, but I am almost never psyched about them beforehand. It's weird.

Wanted
This is one where if I didn't have an unwavering loyalty to James McAvoy, I probably wouldn't be interested. That said, it looks like it could be the good kind of preposterous, and one of these days I'm going to have to check out those Nightwatch/Daywatch movies and see if director Timur Bekmambetov has the stuff.


Finally, Two Summer Movies I Have No Idea About


The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
I neither loved not hated the first one, but seeing as my two favorite parts from that movie -- Tilda Swinton and James McAvoy -- will be absent, it's going to take a lot to bring me back. That Prince Caspian dude's hot and all, but...well, we'll see.

The X-Files
I don't know. If somebody asks me to go with them, I probably will, but I've been out of the X-Files loop for so long (where is this movie even picking up the storyline? Didn't one of them give birth and the other die?), I can't see myself going to see it of my own initiative.

8 comments:

Glenn said...

Agreed with on you most of them although I will see Sex and the City and probably will see Indiana Jones purely because of Cate and Shia. But, yeah, Hancock, Hulk, Guru and co don't appeal.

There are many things in The Strangers' trailer that freak me out so if I can convince someone to go with me I'll be there.

SecretMargo said...

Doesn't The Strangers seem like exactly the movie Funny Games was embodying while metatextually critiquing? It would seem less odd if they hadn't been released so close together. Why give Haneke yet more reason to be smug?

That said, the trailer is indeed fantastic. I hope the, uh, execution of the real thing lives up to it.

Jeff Hansen said...

Love Guru:
-Your picture scared me, because it looked like Jimmy Fallon. Slight upgarde, but upgrade none the less.

Iron Man:
-I'm as pumped for Iron Man as for any summer movie besides Batman, and I agree that it's all Robert Downey. I've got a feeling that all Iron Man scenes will be pretty boring, but it'll be worth it for the Tony Stark scenes.

jessica said...

I am well and fully prepared to be infuriated and/or disappointed by SATC but I'm going to see it anyway. I'm sure there are plenty of people you know with a closeted desire to see it as well. Maybe visit Buffalo sometime in June and see it there. Don't you have a sister you can strongarm?

"Lady" Bea said...

DEAR SWEET JESUS, THAT TRAILER! For "The Strangers!" I just watched it with my hands clapped over my mouth, eyes wide, scooted back as far from my laptop as I could. Those creepy masks will probably haunt my dreams tonight.

I'm so seeing it.

Heh.

Kamikaze Camel said...

The difference between The Strangers and Funny Games is that the former isn't pretending to be anything other than what it is, whereas the latter is a complete waste of time with all the depth of a pretentious university essay.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you about Hancock and Will Smith's persona. To me, he seems more like a narcassitic egomaniac than a "genuine" movie star. It has nothing to do with his race, but he just seems so annoying to me. Pushing and selling his kids to do movies (he did compare his two children to famous actors). I am not a fan of summer movies unless I am being forced to with my BF, otherwise, Dark Knight is the only one I'm looking forward to, oh, and *drooling*, James Mcvoy....and one last one, Pineapple Express.

marilynsmole said...

Tilda does make a brief appearance.