Monday, March 17, 2008

Encyclopedia Galactica

I was getting all set to scold SciFi network for having Battlestar Galactica premiering in less than a month and yet not making with the marathon airings to catch us up, but it seems like they are running the last half-dozen or so on Tuesday, but regardless: this is a network that runs movies about giant insects every four hours. There is no reason they shouldn't be running all three seasons' worth of episodes, multiple times. There's a lot of information there and the fanbase could maybe do with some refreshing of our memories, don't you think? I mean, this is great and all, but we need more than 8 1/2 minutes.

I caught up on the last few episodes myself via Hulu (a.k.a., Why Nobody's Getting Anything Done Ever Anymore) and I condensed all the Need To Knows for the new season into a handy list:


01 - There Are Four New Cylons (And They're Way Into Hendrix): So Tigh, Tory, Anders, and Chief all followed the sounds of "All Along The Watchtower" towards the revelation that they've all been Cylon sleepers from the beginning. With Tigh and Tory at the right hands of Adama and Roslin, plus Anders and the Chief pretty well placed in the military, that's gonna mean some things. However...

02 - The Rest Of The Cylons Don't Know This (Yet): Supposedly the only Cylon who's seen any of the vaunted Final Five was Three (a.k.a. D'Anna Biers, a.k.a. Xena), and she followed that up by: a) getting shot, b) going crazy, and c) getting boxed. (I haven't heard anything about Lucy Lawless coming back this season.) Six may or may not have seen the Final Five in a dream at the end of last season, but the screen went blindingly white at the time. So that's four new Cylons out of the Final Five, which reminds me...

03 - Starbuck's Alive (Again): When it first appeared to us that she died, Kara Thrace was dealing with a whole bunch of visions, premonitions, and out-of-body experiences having to do with her Cylon stalker/captor/would-be lover Leoben as well as her deceased monster of a mother. Does this refusal to die mean she's a Cylon? The evidence seems to suggest it, which means that she's probably not, but something must've happened since she came back saying she'd been to Earth and wants to bring the Fleet (and Cylons?) there. Yeah, about that...

04 - Starbuck's The Usher Of The Apocalypse (Or So Say The Precogs): In the Battlestar movie Razor, we learned from one of the Cylon Hybrids (those things that live in the bathtubs full of goo and speak nonstop gibberish) that Kara Thrace will lead humanity to its destruction and they really shouldn't follow her. Next time, the Hybrid might want to tell this to someone who doesn't subsequently die alone. So Earth, then...

05 - There's A Road Map To Earth (If By "Map" You Mean "Scavenger Hunt"): The Arrow of Athena led to the Temple of Apollo, then there was the Eye of Jupiter, and now the fleet has jumped to the Ionian Nebula, which made all the power go out. If the fleet eventually shows up and Earth hasn't made it to the electrical age yet, I really think they ought to turn around and go back.

06 - Roslin's Cancer Is Back (And It's Really Bad Timing): Yeah, so apparently that miracle blood transfusion from Baby Hera didn't take, because Laura's dying again. Now that we're so close to the end of the series, the chances that she won't make it to the end alive have just increased. Not that she's going to go quietly.

07 - Roslin's Having Dreams Again (Space Chemo Is Trippy, Man): Like the last time she was sick, Laura's treatment is giving her visions. This time, they're about a golden temple of some sort, and she, Sharon, and Six are all desperately seeking Hera so that they may protect her. I'm already kind of pre-disposed towards non-traditional families, but seriously, with those three as your moms, nobody would ever fuck with you. Not ever. Hera was always going to bring the humans and Cylons together, so maybe this is how that happens. Oh, and speaking of which...

08 -There Are Two Cybrid Babies Now (Because Remember The Hendrix?): Yeah, so now that Chief Tyrol is a Cylon, that means his and Cally's baby is our second known human-Cylon hybrid. The child's newfound importance in the grand scheme of things nevertheless gets me no closer to remembering his name.

09 - Gaius Baltar Has A Cult (And Hopefully They've Got A Couch He Can Crash On): Baltar was found not guilty of treason in the season finale, and while the decision was all controversial and riot-making, he managed to win the admiration of a bunch of squirrelly-faced people who threw a cloak over his head and spirited him away to their isolated prairie compound. Cult life shouldn't be too much of a shock to Gaius's system, seeing as he already had a bunch of group sex in Season 3.

10 - We're At 20 Episodes And Counting (I Know, I Know): So this fourth season of Battlestar will indeed be the last. The twenty episodes will be split in half, with the first ten airing this spring and the final ten...sometime in the future. Gather ye Cylons while ye may, and all that.



Michael Parsons said...

I was remaining calm until I read all excited again.

Stands With a Fist is going to act her ass off this last season. A shame no awards bodies will notice.

Thanks for a wonderfully hysterical post.

ModFab said...

You know, I have kept the final episode of last season on my VCR all year (11 months and counting!) so that I can watch it again when the new season starts. And now, thanks to you...I don't need to! (Of course, I'm gonna anyway...)

Great post, buddy.

adam k. said...


I was just scrolling through your blog, thinking "oooh, a post about Battlestar" so I rifle through it, ever so cautiously, cause I don't want things spoiled. And then out of nowhere, as I'm flipping through, not even reading, KNOWING full-well that how much spoilers SUCK from first-hand experience with this show, I see the words:


***FOUR NEW CYLONS: Tori, Anders, and... ***

...before forcing my eyes away. I HAVE NOT SEEN SEASON 3 YET!!! Yet still, because I used to be less cautious about, say, watching newish fan convention footage online, and reading online articles about the show, I already knew that there were 4 new cylons revealed at the end of season 3, but at least I DIDN'T KNOW WHO THEY WERE AND WAS FREE TO SPECULATE.

ANDERS???? GODDAMMIT!!! Tori I could at least sort of see coming. And I already know Starbuck dies and then comes back as a cylon or half-cylon or something, and is also apparently the harbinger of the Apocalypse according to Razor. So I'm assuming she counts as one. So who is the last one? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME!?!?***

Dammit, it was bad enough that I knew Billy was gonna die before he died.


(I'm sorry, I don't really hate you, but this was just a very unfortunate turn of events)

***don't really tell me.

Joe Reid said...

Why in the WORLD would you a) not have watched Season 3 yet, and b)read anything on the internet EVER if you didn't want to be spoiled?? Dude! I'm sorry you got spoiled, but...why???

(I got spoiled about Billy's death, too, for the record. That totally sucked.)

adam k. said...

I like your blog. Sue me. I didn't KNOW you'd have a Battlestar post up. And then once I saw it, I had to at least glance at it. I can't handle being shut out of the conversation all this time! All anybody's talking about is the STUFF I'M NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW.

The Billy thing I found out it an IMDB comment thread, I think. The Starbuck thing I found out a looooong time ago (so long ago I've been able to half-forget it while watching) in some kind of online fan video of Katee Sackhoff saying, "So I'm a CYLON now, news to me." I don't even remember where I heard the "four new cylons" thing... multiple places, by now.

But... why do I ever read anything on the internet?? We're bloggers! What kinda question is that?

It's also not my fault I haven't watched Season 3. It has not been released on DVD in America. And of course they took it off iTunes RIGHT when I was gonna make someone get it for me specifically for Christmas. My DVD set arrives TOMORROW.

God hates me.

Anyway... any Season 1 + 2 stuff you wanna dish about? SAF things? I just wanna think about and talk about Galactica ALL THE TIME.

adam k. said...

At least I didn't know when Boomer was gonna shoot Adama.

(I HOPE somebody saw that and had it spoiled for them)

Marion said...

Lucy Lawless is supposed to come back this season at some point.

Baby Tyrol is named Nicky.


Ahem. Thanks for the overview.