"You know what I like best about Christmas? The surprises. I mean, it's like, you get this box, and you're sure you know what's inside of it. You know, you shake it, you weigh it -- you're totally convinced you have it pegged. No doubt in your mind. But then you open it up and it's completely different. You know: wow, bang, surprise!"
"Hey Ronna. I just did you a favor."
"And here I thought you just gave me head."
"...And I am a happy man."
"Xiang Kai-Shek. Famous Chinese ruler. Starts with 'X.'"
"No, 'C'. Chiang Kai-Shek."
"You're going to die."
"I just wanna make a deal here. Can we?"
"Who the fuck are you? Monty Hall?"
"Hi, I'm Kelly and this is Donna. We were wondering if you wanna hang out."
"It's like...floating. Like...'Hey, man, how's the ground
down there?' and shit."
[This expression, after Ronna gets run over and Todd doesn't know what the fuck is going on, is one of my favorites in all of movies.]
"I told you my mother's mother's mother was black."
"Your mother's mother's moth-- this ain't Roots!"
[To make up for the relative dullness of the Vegas segment, with the half-retarded British guy and all, maybe let's dwell on the presence of Timothy Olyphant in this film for a moment.]
[There he is.]
[There he is again.]
[Zack and Adam.]
"Gay men are so hot. It's tragic."
"So, Zack, would you say you're open to new things?"
"See, now that...There was a tongue there."
"I take no responsibility, I was only an innocent bystander.But there was this one time, you guys...you missed each other by, like, three minutes. It was so exciting!"
[It should be noted that while Jay Mohr plays the least convincing homosexual in all of movies, Scott Wolf is pretty great. ]
"The one thing I will give him credit for is the oral. The oral was good."
"What do you mean? He was terrible! At some point, I had to stop him and correct years bad technique. I actually grabbed him by his ears and retrained him from the throat up."
[So blah, blah, everything works out and we all get to bask in Katie Holmes's sideways half-smile.]
[Not to mention one of the best final lines ever...]
"So...what are we doing for New Year's?"