Monday, January 07, 2008

Beyond Actor-Dome: Begin The Quarterfinals!

64 men enter. One man leaves.

A few words on the criteria: I'm only taking into account performances from the past ten years (1997 and onward). Film and television performances count. Match-ups will be judged on the following merits: (1) number of performances I've enjoyed (sheer quantity); (2) whose singular best performance is the greatest (quality); (3) if I had an Oscar ballot, how many nominations would the actor have received since '97 (fake Oscars); (4) if both actors have co-starred in a film, who gave the better performance (spotlights stolen); and (5) since watching boys fight is something you can see at the closest downtown bar, this time around we're judging by who would prevail in the most time-tested of competitive activities: The Walkoff (Motherf*cking Walkoff).


Quarterfinals


Jeff Bridges vs. Johnny Depp
Quantity: Just so you know: Pirates 3 is so not counting in Johnny's favor right here. Lucky for him, he doesn't need it. Advantage: Depp
Quality: Depp's got a new horse in this race now. That's how good I think he is in Sweeney Todd. It's like all the promise he and Tim Burton held in Edward Scissorhands was put into a box, buried, and then dug up as some prophecy come to life. ...See, it's hyperbole like this that's allowing Depp's Sweeney to best Bridges's turn in The Door In The Floor. Advantage: Depp
Fake Oscar Nods: Bridges: 2 (The Big Lebowski; The Door In The Floor); Depp: 1 (Pirates of the Caribbean). [*Given another month, this would be a very different story.*]
Spotlights Stolen: They've never shared the screen.
Motherf*cking Walkoff: When he bothers to show up, Johnny does so in fine style. Advantage: Depp
Winner: Johnny Depp 3-1

Billy Crudup vs. Ian McKellen
Quantity: A very close contest, and if only the Watchmen movie had arrived in time to give Crudup (cast as Jon Osterman/Dr. Manhattan in the loooong anticipated film) some ammunition against McKellen's Magneto in the comic book icon department. Advantage: McKellen
Quality: Sorry, F*ckhead. McKellen's James Whale just went old-school on your ass. ...Not literally. Advantage: McKellen
Fake Oscar Nods: Crudup: 3 (Almost Famous; Stage Beauty; Jesus' Son); McKellen: 2 (Gods and Monsters; Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring).
Spotlights Stolen: They've never shared the screen.
Motherf*cking Walkoff: You know I know Ian McKellen is fabulous. He's a superhero in his own right. He should have a mantle full of awards, and more pertinent to this category, he should be asked to every awards show going. But I gotta side with my boyfriend. Advantage: Crudup
Winner: 2-2. HOLY CRAP IT'S A TIE. Here's your chance, haters. Vote wisely and once.

19 comments:

Keith said...

Billy frackin' Crudup? Oy.

McKellen in a landslide, a thundering, devastating, great big massive landslide that buries pretty boy Billy under twenty feet of rock.

SecretMargo said...

OMG, McKellan McKellan McKellan.

I mean, come on.

Julia said...

McKellen in a walk.

Rinaldo said...

Man, you had to pair up these two before the finals, huh? The two greatest stage actors around? Both chameleons when it comes to characterization, both magnetic, both equally fine in period and contemporary work? Sir Ian has the longer track record, but then he's older and has had more time to achieve that.... mumble mumble.... mental coinflip....

I give it to Billy Crudup, a great great actor.

Kamikaze Camel said...

Pfft, McKellen takes this easily.

Plus, Crudup was awful in Trust the Man.

NYOne said...

For very small and mostly personal reasons, McKellen takes it without much of a second thought.

Joe R. said...

You guys are all making me sad. Sure, objectively, I'd choose McKellen too, but it's not THAT easy. And Billy Crudup was one of the only good things about Trust The Man. Haters.

Carrie Ann said...

Advantage: McKellan. Crudup should stick to the MasterCard commercials.

harlemjd said...

McKellen.

Grunt said...

I adore Crudup, but I got to give this one to McKellen. I think you got the walk-off wrong. Sure, Crudup is pretty (very, very pretty) but McKellen walking down the carpet with his BOYFRIEND? That wins the walk-off every f*cking time.

McKellen by a margin.

The Bloody Munchkin said...

Sorry Joe R. I have to give it to McKellan too...

Miaou said...

Crudup looks like a boyfriend I had in France, when I was a young bohemian, and he was so pretty, and so romantic... eh, em. Anyway, I'd still go with McKellen.

Stephanie said...

Look, I love Billy Crudup, I really do. I could watch him as Russel Hammond in "Almost Famous" for days.

But it's McKellan for me...

jenn said...

i am very very disappointed in the actors in the quarterfinals but whatever.

mckellan.

patty m. said...

Even if he'd done nothing this last year but play himself on Extras, I'd have to give it to McKellan. His speech about the secret to acting ("I told Peter Jackson, 'You know, I'm not really a wizard.'") -- brilliant. I love me some Billy, but Sir Ian takes this one hands down.

Joe R. said...

We all thank Jenn for registering her objection; rest assured the eventual winner of this fake and arbitrary competition shall be marked with an asterisk.

Mathan said...

Wow, I really like both of these guys. On one hand, I totally share Joe's love for Jesus' Son. But on the other hand I totally share Joe's love for Gods and Monsters.

And normally I'd vote against McKellan because he did those X-men flicks and I'm a DC guy. But Ian does his thing on Real Time with Bill Maher. He's so engaging.

Sorry Joe but I've got to McKellan.

Yoshi said...

I have to agree with Jenn, but mostly because I'm still cranky Bill Murray lost out.

McKellen takes it, no question. Crudup couldn't hold a candle, and he has a stupid name to boot. (As you might have guessed, I have an irrational hatred for Crudup, but still... vs McKellen? Even an actor I didn't loathe with the power of a thousand fiery suns would struggle.)

jessica said...

Oh, Joe. Poor baby. You are so brave to give Billy up this way. My heart is breaking for you, really it is, but I must vote McKellan.

Now, chin up. We all know Billy wins the tournament of your heart, hands-down. And he really is a fine actor.