Thursday, December 20, 2007

Smooth Joey Apollo's '07 NFL Picks: Week 16

Last week:

Aaron: 10-6
Joe: 10-6

Season to date:

Aaron: 148-76
Joe: 145-79

Pittsburgh at St. Louis (Thurs)

Aaron: The Steelers are reeling, while the Rams are...whatever happens when there's no place left to reel. St. Louis is also an eight point dog at home. Steelers win, but it'll be a cockfight. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Here's how it works: it was too much to hope that the Steelers could fell the obnoxious Patriots juggernaut two weeks ago. Now it's too much to hope that the Browns can overtake the Steelers for first place in the Central. The rule is: nothing good ever happens. Pick: Pittsburgh

Dallas at Carolina (Sat.)

Aaron: The fact that Jessica Simpson was mentioned a million times on ESPN in the aftermath of the Cowboys loss last week hurts more than a billion "boo-yahs". And just one Sean Salisbury. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Okay, it's annoying but it really has become an epidemic. The woman is the ruination of everything she touches, from handsome guys to movies based on crappy '70s TV shows. She must be stopped...or fixed up with Tom Brady. Pick: Dallas

Cleveland at Cincinnati

Aaron: So, with 12-24 months of hindsight, Bengals fans, would you rather have the lawless band of rogues on your roster and a division title or a slightly less arrested-at-2AM crew and the comfort of 10+ loss season? Pick: Cleveland

Joe: Jonathan Joseph isn't walking through that door, people. AJ Nicholson isn't walking through that door. Chris Henry isn't...oh no, wait, here he is. Regardless... Pick: Cleveland

Green Bay at Chicago

Aaron: So, which Star Wars quote best embodies Brett Favre: (1) "He is more machine now, than man...twisted and evil" or (2) "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine". Christ, I just scared myself. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Bears QB Kyle Orton gets his quote from Return of the Jedi: "I'm endangering the mission, I shouldn't have come." Pick: Green Bay

Houston at Indianapolis

Aaron: Has there been a more anonymous 12-2 season in recent league history? If not for the last 10 minutes of the Pats game and an inexplicable missed FG in the Chargers game, the Colts could be the team that America hates! With the Patriots (whom we hated already). Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: So the Colts have nothing to play for while the Texans are fighting for their first winning season in franchise history? This is how I talk myself into dumb picks. Pick: Houston

Kansas City at Detroit

Aaron: Watching the Chargers' practice squad mop the floor with the lifeless Lions in the 2nd half last week wasn't pretty. Good thing the Chiefs packed it in around Halloween. Pick: Detroit

Joe: This is the Lions' last chance to pick up a victory and fall short of Jon Kitna's pre-season prediction by three games rather than four. Pick: Detroit

N.Y. Giants at Buffalo

Aaron: I think fans and the media make WAY too much over the "inspirational" angles. But, after reading in last week's SI how Bills TE Kevin Everett went from certain paralysis to now walking...hell, even I wanted to stand up and cheer. He'll reportedly be in Buffalo for the Bills' final home game on Sunday. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: For the record, Everett gave a message of inspiration to the team before the Patriots game last month. 56-10, in case you forgot. Pick: NY Giants

Oakland at Jacksonville

Aaron: The Jags are my 2007 rooting interest for this year's playoffs. May their run be as successful as my 2006 rooting interest: "Anyone but the f*cking Chargers". Seriously, people, if you lived out here, you'd hate 'em, too. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: Jeez, Cam. You talk about the Chargers in these picks almost as much as you desperately avoid talking about the Raiders. Pick: Jacksonville

Philadelphia at New Orleans

Aaron: I only made the playoffs in one of my fantasy leagues this year. Behind QB Kurt Warner and God's will, I won last week. This week, Willie Parker carries once and breaks his leg. So, umm, Mr. Westbrook...I need you to play like two guys here. K thx. Pick:

Joe: Here's where Pro Bowl snubbees Drew Brees and Marques Colston wreak havoc on their hapless opponents. Pick: New Orleans

Atlanta at Arizona

Aaron: Between the ruining of his franchise QB and the head coach who betrayed him and being left at the altar by Bill F'n Parcells, Falcons owner Arthur Blank should just embrace the 1940s sad-sack cartoon caricature that he's become. What's that theme music they all had? "Waa WAAAAH". It's funnier when you say it out loud. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Bill O'Reilly is blaming Atlanta's woes on karmic payback for Ludacris and his boastful vulgarity. Also the War On Christmas. Pick: Arizona

Tampa Bay at San Francisco

Aaron: Sorry, 49er fans...when you sold your collective souls to Satan just to be able to call yourselves "The Team of the Decade" (the '80s!...that was so long ago!) this was the inevitable consequence. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: As for the playoff-bound Bucs and their squinty-faced, looks like this Chucky has as many lives in him as his cinematic namesake. Look for assistant coach Jennifer Tilly on the sidelines next season. Pick: Tampa Bay

Baltimore at Seattle

Aaron: Might be time to let go of that near miss against New England, Baltimore. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Not that it'll matter against a team that still hasn't stopped bitching about the Super Bowl two years ago. Of course, I'll be bitching about Shaun Alexander for at least that long, so... Pick: Seattle

Miami at New England

Aaron: Hmmm...douchebag Pats fans on the verge of an undefeated regular season or douchebag '72 Dolphins players - sure to be in attendance - on the verge of seeing their entire reason to live snuffed out in a few weeks. C'mon on, dirty bomb. Pick: New England

Joe: Seriously. No matter who wins, we all lose. Pick: New England

N.Y. Jets at Tennessee

Aaron: All Vince Young does is win football games, occasionally. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Can't top that. Won't try. Pick: Tennessee

Washington at Minnesota

Aaron: The Vikes are 1st in rushing and 30th in passing this year. Is it possible to play all eleven men on the defensive line against them? Is that against the rules? Pick: Minnesota

Joe: And underestimate the WR tandem of Chris and Anthony Carter? ...Those are still the Vikings wideouts, right? Pick: Minnesota

Denver at San Diego

Aaron: That's right, America...ESPN broadcasts Christmas Eve from San Diego. We promise to import all the snow, chestnuts and wind chill that makes your holiday season so much better than ours. It's gotta be gone by the 25th, though, cuz we're grilling ribeyes and eating dinner out on our deck on Xmas Day. But, no...your way of life is better. And that sweater looks great on you! Pick: San Diego

Joe:It's times like these, when the petty squabbling between the White-Christmasers and the Green-Christmasers really escalates, that I begin to wish for the speedy arrival of global climate change so that we can all celebrate Christmas the same way. Under water. God bless us, everyone! Pick: San Diego

1 comment:

That Bootleg Guy said...

Damn your quips, Reid. You've been one-upping me all year.

(Saw "Dukes of Hazard" for the first time last month. Hard to believe the guy who brought us "Super Troopers" could miss the mark so badly, y'know?)