Saturday, October 06, 2007

Smooth Joey Apollo's '07 NFL Picks: Week 5

Last week's results:

Joe -- 8-6
Aaron -- 6-8

Season to date:

Joe -- 44-18
Aaron -- 34-28

Arizona at St. Louis

Aaron: Matt Leinart’s post-game snit fits over playing time have become quite the storyline. Only one more week before he goes "Hope Solo" on everyone!. And, like Hope, he’ll get complete pass from the media. Can anyone explain the difference between these athletes and "cancers" like Terrell Owens? Oh, wait… Pick: Arizona

Joe: If Matt Leinart were a fast food sandwich, Aaron would give him an absolutely scathing review on his blog. Pick: The Team That Is Not St. Louis. That is to say: Arizona

Atlanta at Tennessee

Aaron: There was something wonderfully ironic about documented Wonderlic idiot, Vince Young, appearing on 60 Minutes last Sunday. And, yes, I do equate Andy Rooney with rocket science. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: I'm guessing Vince didn't take part in one of their bi-monthly "robot computers are taking over our lives! Help Mike Wallace program his VCR!" reports. And yes, I am making fun of 60 Minutes rather than Vince Young because every time I mock Vince Young he scores three touchdowns and beats the Bills. Pick: Tennessee

Carolina at New Orleans

Aaron: The Saints season is washing away like…like…fine, it’s been over two years…I can find a better analogy. In fact, I’m just saving it for next week. Meanwhile, the Saints are about as effective as FEMA these days. Fine, mock me. Now, let’s all pretend to laugh at Joe’s 500th reference to Drew Brees’ birthmark. Pick: Carolina

Joe: All sorts of theories bumping up against each other this week. One is Carolina's one-on, one-off tendency (they lost last week, so they're set for a win this week). The other is the fact that a winless team playing at home, in their own division, past Week 4 is always, always, always dangerous. ...Bah, I've picked the same as Cam too much already. Pick: New Orleans

Cleveland at New England

Aaron: I assume the Pats are going to play the "victimized, vilified" role for the remainder of the season. And, with the most loaded roster of any team in over a decade. Come onnnnnn, Cleveland! Pick: New England

Joe: That's right, Pats and Pats fans. Count those chickens before they hatch. Get those fingers sized for rings. Plan the parade. Put the cart before the horse. Win that Super Bowl in October. Pick: New England

Detroit at Washington

Aaron: Hey, it’s a rematch of the 1991-92 NFC Championship Game! That I knew this without looking it up belies the fact that I was actually quite popular with the ladies during that era. Reebok Pump shoes and Levi’s 501 jeans…works every time. Pick: Washington

Joe: I actually remember that one as well, as it was one of those NFC Championship games with a "Winner gets to beat the Bills in the Super Bowl" stipulation. We woulda beat the Lions, I tells ya! Pick: Washington

Jacksonville at Kansas City

Aaron: Thank you, Kansas City, for turning the San Diego sports-talk airwaves into audio bliss for me this week. I’ll understand if you guys want to take this Sunday off. In fact, I expect it. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: My inexplicable hatred for this Jags team continues unabated. Pick: Kansas City

Miami at Houston

Aaron: Watched last week’s Dolphins/Raiders tilt. Miami is as bad a team as any I’ve seen since the Raiders. Last year. Injuries, schminjuries…the Texans will fillet the fish like a Filet-O-Fish. Oh, please. If Kanye West said that, you’d call him a "genius." Pick: Houston

Joe: You think if the '07 Dolphins went 0-16, Nick Buoniconti would shut the eff up? Pick: Houston

N.Y. Jets at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: Wow. Watch out in the stands, Meadowlands…the douchebags runneth over. It’s times like these that I’m glad I live on the West Coast, where a-hole fans are properly punished via random stabbings at Raiders games. It’s the only way they’ll learn. Pick: N.Y. Giants

Joe: This at least limits the number of home market games hogging my Sunday afternoons around here. Of course, the Bills are gonna get slaughtered on national TV anyway, so the benefit is muted. Pick: NY Giants

Seattle at Pittsburgh

Aaron: My wife actually made the "Omar Epps" joke in reference to Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin last week. You should’ve seen her face: so proud, smiling broadly…it was like she’d found the comedic equivalent to the cure for cancer. And, I was really gonna let her have that one (our anniversary is next month) until she suggested I put her "discovery" in my blog. And, yes, I did enjoy bursting her bubble. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: So am I to infer that you passed up the chance to do a parody of Mrs. Bill Simmons's fakey-fake rants in his weekly column by penning a "Mrs. Bootleg Speaks!" column yourself? Do you not want to make your readers happy? Pick: Seattle

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis

Aaron: Anyone seen those Peyton Manning "pep talk" commercials? Okay, of course you have. Why did they have Peyton looking into the sun? His squinty alabaster visage now haunts my dreams. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: My not picking Joseph Addai with the fourth pick of my fantasy draft -- after having him on my first-place team last season -- is what haunts my dreams. Pick: Indianapolis

Baltimore at San Francisco

Aaron: The Bay Area media is actually playing this up as a “revenge game” for 49ers back-up (and former Raven) QB Trent Dilfer, who’ll be filling in for the injured Alex Smith. Dilfer v. the Ravens. It’s totally “Tupac v. Biggie, Part II” Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I guess the Bay Area media has to do something when they're not convincing themselves that Daunte Culpepper's five TDs off of 71 total yards wasn't an aberration. Pick: San Francisco

San Diego at Denver

Aaron: In all my years of following sports, two of my favorite non-Oakland related teams were the 1991 Atlanta Braves and 1994 San Francisco 49ers. One was the classic underdog, while the other was a cold, efficient other-team-killing-machine. ’07 Chargers…welcome to the club! Pick: Denver

Joe: Oh my God, you bandwagoned the '94 Niners because of Deion, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?! Pick: Denver

Chicago at Green Bay

Aaron: From the network that brought you “Camera-Gate” from all 8 million angles when the Pats played on prime time a few weeks ago, it’s Old White Media Darling: The Brett Favre Story. Let the blow jobs begin. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: I've neglected to mention this before, and now that Favre has set the TD pass record it's probably too late, but here's the number one tragedy of the media's over-the-top slobbering over Favre these first four weeks of the season: there are few NFL athletes I've ever hated more than Dan Marino. I hated him as a player, I hated him as an Isotiner spokesmodel, I hate him as a studio talking head, I desperately wanted Lois Einhorn/Ray Finkel to kill him while she had the chance...hate him. So the fact that Favre -- who I don't hate -- was going to break his record should have been a happy occasion, but thanks to the sports media I couldn't. Thanks a lot, Peter King. I'm totally not sorry I accidentally stole your sandwich at the luncheonette at 30 Rock last month. Pick: Green Bay

Dallas at Buffalo

Aaron: Ummm…Cowboys cover. Pick: Dallas

Joe: I just hope we don't lose so badly that the Trent Edwards era gets stunted before it even begins. Pick: Dallas

1 comment:

jessica said...

From this point forward, I am referring to the Bills as the Darling Buffalo Wings.