Monday, October 22, 2007

Halloween Gorge-Fest, Day One: Children Of The Corn

Movie: Children of the Corn (1984)
Director: Fritz Kiersch
...Who Went On To Make: Virtually nothing at all, and deservedly so.
Channel: AMC

First Impressions: Well this made for an inauspicious kickoff. I was sure I'd seen parts of Children of the Corn when I was a kid, but now I'm starting to wonder if I just saw the video covers with the bloody scythes and figured it was scary enough not to see. I would have been wrong. How many things are fucking lame in this movie? The acting, for one. Not just the kids, which would be understandable, but Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton, neither of whom are Olivier, but they should know better. The visuals put the "special" in "special effects," and I am referring to the short bus. It's just a brutal movie. The Stephen King short story was actually creepy, this is just laughable. I will say, however, that the awkwardness of the kid who played Malachai was a net positive. He's the same guy, incidentally, who played the creepy Slavic teen in The 'burbs, one of two horror comedy staples that are not airing anywhere this week (yes, Beetlejuice is the other). I do love that movie, and I will never forget Bruce Dern yelling, "Hey, Pinocchio! Where do you think you're going?" at this kid. ...Anyway, this movie sucks.

Notable Edits: When Malachi cuts Linda Hamilton on the face in order to draw Peter Horton out of hiding, it becomes the subject of a most ham-handed cutaway.

Scary Or Funny? For most of the movie, it's neither. Sure, impish little Isaac's got a voice like a truck-stop lesbian, but that's only mildly amusing. But the last five minutes, in the "not over yet!" scene, are what ultimately tip the balance to "funny." The world-weary exasperation with which Linda Hamilton fells the lone remaining evil urchin, then leaves her unconscious but clearly alive in their abandoned car before trudging off towards the highway with her husband and two newly-acquired kids in's hysterical.

Best Killing? Not "best," but "most crackheaded" goes to Isaac getting enveloped by the visual effects from David Lynch's Dune and then ultimately shot out of an air cannon about fifty yards into the air.

Future Airings: None so far this week.


Kamikaze Camel said...

I'm surprised that in the current trend of remaking quality horror flicks that nobody has come up with the idea to remake this one.

The original is neither good or memorable, but it's name has cache and could be easily exploited for a decent opening weekend at least. It wouldn't be hard to remake it as better than the original.

JA said...

That's a good call, Glenn. This could totally use a remake. Not that encouraging the remake-rage doesn't shoot bile up my throat. But this is a better fucking prospect than The Exorcist.

Kamikaze Camel said...

Exactly. I would rather not have remakes, but if they're remake The Exorcist and Halloween and such why not try and remake something that was shit in the first place yet still actually has a marketable name that could be easily exploited in the advertising.

Rural Juror said...

I actually laughed aloud at the truck stop lesbian line.

Anyway, I agree. Awful movie....and the sequels are even more low rent.