Friday, September 21, 2007

Smooth Joey Apollo's 2007 NFL Picks: Week 3

Last week:

Joe: 11-5
Aaron: 7-9

Season to date:

Joe: 25-7
Aaron: 17-15

Arizona at Baltimore

Aaron: Pretty sure that ‘Zona’s 0-2 start is the only single-team prediction I’ve gotten right in the first two weeks. I expect the Ravens’ defense to ugly up Leinart’s beautiful mug all game long. Hey, Ray Lewis! I hear Leinart got your sister pregnant! Get him! Pick: Baltimore

Joe: It appears that the Cards are slightly better than last season, whil Baltimore is a bit worse, leading them both to meet in the creamy middle of the NFL. Maybe I've just got a hankering for Double Stuf'd Oreos. Pick: Baltimore

San Diego at Green Bay

Aaron: I never thought I could recapture the joy of last January’s Chargers Playoff Debacle. Then, came the wonderfully apocalyptic reaction from the imbecilic locals here in SD after last week’s loss to the Pats to prove that the joy is still there. I’m going more with my heart than my head (which hasn’t done shit for me in picking games, so far). Stupid head. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Argh -- I hate picking this game. If it's in San Diego, I'm picking the Chargers easy, but the Packers haven't looked half bad, while the Chargers...well, have. Pick: Green Bay

Indianapolis at Houston

Aaron: On the one hand, I said the Colts would hang 50 on the Texans. On the other hand, Texans management insisted that they selected Mario Williams over Reggie Bush just so he could chase down Peyton Manning twice a year. Oddly enough, I like my prediction more. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: The Houston resurgence (or, rather: surgence) is for real, and I wouldn't be entirely shocked to see them pull the upset out at home. But not without a healthy Andre Johnson. (Yes, I realize this is what every hack sportswriter in America is saying. Bite me. Are they saying that too?) Pick: Indianapolis

Minnesota at Kansas City

Aaron: KC has looked like last year’s Raiders this season. This pleases me. I like the Chiefs at home versus a so-so Vikings team, but only because I’m guessing that this is the week where Larry Johnson puts up one of those “I ain’t dead yet” 200-yard games. Ah, fuck…I can’t do it. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: But I can! Pick: Kansas City

Buffalo at New England

Aaron: This past Monday,’s Bill Simmons wrote 100,000 words on how great his Patriots are, while skewering the media for over-blowing the “cheating” storyline from the week before. It’s the most bat-shit insane combination of paranoia mixed with stating the obvious (the media blows things out of proportion? Really?) that any of you will ever read. Pick: New England

Joe: Another from the Simmons-is-a-dick files, apparently the Pats won't beat the Bills too bad because we haven't angered the beast by calling them cheaters yet. Well how's this: cheaters! Cheater, cheatery cheaters! There. Now at least when my team loses I'll get a good fantasy day out of Randy Moss. Pick: New England

Miami at New York Jets

Aaron: Who’ll win more games, the Jets or the Mets, between now and Sunday? Be honest…you had to think about it. And, if anyone from Pardon The Interruption is reading this, feel free to use that question as part of your amusing “Toss Up” feature. Pick: New York Jets

Joe: Man, the Bills sure have a lot of company for "dregs of the AFC East" status. Pity one of 'em will have to win. Pick: NY Jets

Detroit at Philadelphia

Aaron: The 3-0 Detroit Lions or the 0-3 Philadelphia Eagles…? After this game, which one sounds more believable? Lions QB Jon Kitna has Jesus, but Eagles QB Donovan McNabb MUST win or else face the inordinate amount of scrutiny that comes with being a Black quarterback. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Maybe we should make a rule that no player should have to play in Philadelphia for more than three seasons. I just see McNabb's will to live slowly eroding. Pick: Detroit

San Francisco at Pittsburgh

Aaron: The Niners have the look of one of those teams that I doubt week after week until they’re 8-2 around Thanksgiving. Well, this year someone ELSE will look the fool! Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I will gladly play that fool if it means I don't have to pick this secretly-crappy team on the road. Pick: Pittsburgh

St. Louis at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The Rams have lost two straight games at home. The Bucs surprised the Saints last week. Which result(s) is closer to reality? No clue, but I’ll side with the heat n’ humidity over the team from a dome. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: When did the Rams get unrepentantly terrible? Why did no one tell me before I drafted Drew "Whitey" Bennett for my fantasy team? Pick: Tampa Bay

Jacksonville at Denver

Aaron: The Broncos were one piece of cheap gamesmanship away from guaranteeing my upset pick of the week year last week. They’ll squash the Jags, but at least I can sleep at night, Denver. Pick: Denver

Joe: On a bed of tears, Cam'ron. Pick: Denver

Cleveland at Oakland

Aaron: Can you be undermanned with too much heart? What my Raiders lack in talent, they make up for in gumption. Gut-wrenching loss to Satan’s Squadron last week that’ll serve to galvanize our spirit and soul. We’re like a Terry McMillan book. Pick: Oakland

Joe: I'll never forgive your team for getting their first win before mine does. Never! Pick: Oakland

Cincinnati at Seattle

Aaron: Kudos to the Bengals for one of the most spectacular bed-wettings in recent regular season history. The Browns dropped 51 points on you, Cincy?! The Browns?! At least Cincy still has Chad Johnson. Keep pickin’ and grinnin’, Chad! Now, dance! Dance for The Man! Pick: Seattle

Joe: Aw, man! You mean I don't get to enjoy Chad Johnson's good-natured antics without feeling guilty? I already feel bad enough about Flavor of Love: Charm School. Can't you leave me with anything?? Pick: Cincinnati

Carolina at Atlanta

Aaron: One of my few wins from last week came from picking agin’ the Falcons and I’m nothing if not a lousy picker of football games. Pick: Carolina

Joe: Carolina, on their every-other-season schedule, looks like the favorite in the oh-so-stellar NFC South. The fact that the Bills or Raiders would also be the favorites in the NFC South is none of our concern. Pick: Carolina

New York Giants at Washington

Aaron: 15 years ago, the play of the 1992 NY Giants led to the emotional ruin of then-head coach Ray Handley. One more game should do it for current coach Tom Coughlin, no? Pick: Washington

Joe: Tom Coughlin's the closest this world's going to come to seeing someone have a Falling Down moment, and I for one cannot wait. Pick: Washington

Dallas at Chicago

Aaron: Hey, it’s another Sunday night with the Dallas Cowboys. Thanks, NBC. And, that always-exciting Bears offense should make these four hours fly right by. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Just so long as that always-exciting (non-sarcastic division) Bears defense keeps rolling. Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at New Orleans

Aaron: My one week dalliance with Vince Young is over before it even began. And, I’ve got $100 on Aaron Neville making some kind of cameo: National Anthem, interview in the booth, “celebrity” fan in the stands, etc. I hope his hectic schedule allows it. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: What about Bono and that swollen-faced Green Day guy, huh? What about them? I fear for my favorite birthmarked QB if his team goes 0-3, but the Saints are looking uninspired. Pick: Tennessee


jessica said...

Is it really fair to TELL the ref you're planning on a last-second time out before the kick rather than actually having to DO IT and hope you get the timing right? Just wondering.

erin go braghless said...

On an entirely unrelated note: I'm going out tonight to rent Bug on the strength of your "Holy balls." Man, if I've said that to one guy, I've said it to a million...

jessica said...

Watched the game last night. Drew Brees has not aged well.