Friday, September 28, 2007

Smooth Joey Apollo's '07 NFL Picks: Week 4

Last week's records:

Aaron -- 11-5
Joe -- 11-5

Season to date:

Joe -- 36-12
Aaron -- 28-20

This week's picks:


Houston at Atlanta

Aaron: Former backup QB Matt Schaub returns to Atlanta in what should be a final, fitting epitaph of the Falcons season. Hey, anything to get the shocking revelation that Mike Vick smokes pot off the front page. Pick: Houston

Joe: Normally I'm all for Michael Vick getting all the scrutiny ad derision coming his way and then some, but I'm with Cam here: maybe if he had smoked MORE pot he'd have lost the initiative to run that dog-fighting ring in the first place. Pick: Houston


New York Jets at Buffalo Bills

Aaron: One of sports oldest clichés is referring to a team riddled with injuries as a "M.A.S.H. unit". It's time to bring that archaic World War II reference into the 21st century. The '07 Buffalo Bills are more akin to Iraqi civilians. Pick: New York Jets

Joe: And now is the time when Joe breaks his vow to only bet against his beloved hometown team so as to avoid disappointment and perhaps enact the rare reverse juju. Pick: Buffalo


Oakland at Miami

Aaron: A cross-country flight to play a three hour game in the moist hell of Miami combined with a week's worth of recycled "something to prove" stories on Daunte Culpepper (who's had "something to prove" since Minnesota dumped him 18 months ago) makes this one an easy pick. Pick: Miami

Joe: What is that intoxicating aroma? Could it be a freshly-opened bottle of Whine? Boo-hoo, your team has to travel cross-country! That's what you get for living on the wrong coast, my friend. Pick: Miami


Chicago at Detroit

Aaron: Cheers to Chicago for benching QB Rex Grossman. Jeers to Chicago for their injury-depleted defense. Hmm, our "TV Guide Test" cancels these actions out. Tie goes to the home team. Pick: Detroit

Joe: This week's episode of Joe Continues To Pick The Bears, To His Peril is brought to you by the memories of Brian Griese's dozen or so productive NFL starts and none of his other ones. Pick: Chicago


St. Louis at Dallas

Aaron: For all the praise that Bill Parcells generates from old school fans, it's obvious that his schtick works fine for veteran teams and not so much for young ones. Put another way, the Cowboys are playing like a team whose collective wives left them. And, took the kids. Pick: Dallas

Joe: I don't know what any of that means, but I do know that St. Louis is suiting up Brett Hull and Nelly to play offensive line this week. Pick: Dallas


Baltimore at Cleveland

Aaron: For anyone still uncertain: the Browns aren't so much "score 51 points good" as the Bengals are "give up 51 points bad". Oakland brought the Browns back to earth. Baltimore will bury them. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Will my irrational hatred of the Baltimore Ravens cause me to overvalue the Browns at home? You're goddamn right it will. Pick: Cleveland


Green Bay at Minnesota

Aaron: Last week, the Packers beat a talented Chargers team desperate for a win and hoping to make a statement. Meanwhile, Minnesota lost to one of the three worst teams in the league. One more week just out of the reaper's reach, Brett Favre. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Has nobody yet figured out that the real Superman in Green Bay is Donald Driver? Really? Pick: Green Bay


Seattle at San Francisco

Aaron: Hey, two of my favorite American cities head-to-head! About five years ago, I puked away a night of beers and shots in a San Francisco alley. Ten years ago, I puked away a night of cognac, cigars and oysters in a Seattle alley. No contest. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Seattle attempts to set the NFL record for most unimpressive victories in the month of September. Good thing the Niners suck. Pick: Seattle


Tampa Bay at Carolina

Aaron: The two week win streak ends here, Buccaneers. I give 'em another month before they're back in their orange "winking pirate" unis to make the transformation complete. Pick: Carolina

Joe: I'm just hoping DeShaun Foster manages to stay healthy long enough to inflate his trade value so I can trade him before the knees give out. Fantasy Football makes me sound like a plantation owner in Georgia some days. Pick: Carolina


Denver at Indianapolis

Aaron: Trap game? Two close calls for the Colts combined with a Broncos team coming off an embarrassing home loss means…well, nothing. Gotta go with integrity and Tony Dungy's sanctimonious moral proselytizing slightly trumps Mike Shanahan's shady ways. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I'll give this to Bill "Awfully Cocky Now That The Sox Have Narrowling Avoided Giving The Division Away" Simmons: his podcast reminded me just how much Peyton Manning enjoys putting points up on the Broncos. Anthony Gonzalez breakout game? Pick: Indianapolis


Kansas City at Chargers

Aaron: A loss to KC would be deliciously divine, but alas, the Chargers should take out three weeks of offensive frustration here. My consolation prize will have to be all the hyperbolic "Bolts are BACK!" headlines for this win against a Big-12 Conference team. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Any chance Larry Johnson defects to San Diego after this game, like the hockey players and figure skaters of Ye Olde Soviet Union used to do? Pick: San Diego


Pittsburgh at Arizona

Aaron: A quarterback controversy that features Kurt Warner as one of the options can be looked at in one of two ways: (1) the incumbent is ineffective or (2) someone did a sh*tty job of signing an understudy. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: I'm almost tempted to go with 'Zona here, but for Anquan Boldin being reportedly banged up. It's a trap game for the Steelers, for sure. Pick: Pittsburgh


Philadelphia at New York Giants

Aaron: Quite the performances from two teams who walked amongst the dead before last week, no? I think McNabb has more to lose here, as his recent comments were akin to tying his own noose and another loss will lead to…I think I need a new analogy. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: I'm thinking a 50+ point day against the Detroit defense is essentially the same as Cleveland's "not so fast there" point barrage v. Cincy. Eli Manning will continue to throw TD passes to Plaxico Burress until ol' Plax is just a pile of torn ligaments and hairline fractures. Pick: NY Giants


New England at Cincinnati

Aaron: Another prime time game for Tom Brady? Another prime time game for Chad Johnson? I think I'll watch the premiere of Aliens in America at 8:30, instead. Wait…what time does the game start out in Cali? 5:30? F*ck. Pick: New England

Joe: Just so we're clear: if you're not a Patriots fan, you're rooting for the Bengals this week. You are. YOU ARE. I never thought there'd be anything more insufferable than the '72 Dolphins and their annual champagne toast to their being the only team ever to go undefeated, but if there was any team (and fan base) that'd be a sure bet to do something even douchier, it's the '07 Pats. This cannot happen. Pick: New England

No comments: