Saturday, September 15, 2007

Smooth Joey Apollo's '07 NFL Picks: Week 2

Week 1 Results:

Joe -- 14-2
Aaron -- 10-6

(...I'm letting that pass without comment.)

WEEK 2

Houston at Carolina

Aaron: Former Texans QB David Carr is now warming the bench in Carolina and telling the Pantherseverything he knows about his old team. After 249 sacks during his five-year Houston career, I'm surprised Carr even knows his name without having to wear his jersey backwards. Pick: Carolina

Joe: What, now that we're simulcasting on That Bootleg Blog (motto: We Review Sandwiches -- Honest To God Sandwiches, People!) we're expected to know statistics? I'm just picking based on which mascot would win in a real fight. You'd think a Panther would have the edge, but Texans? Have guns. Pick: Houston


Indianapolis at Tennessee

Aaron: I've got to stop picking against Vince Young. I've been doing it since the '06 Rose Bowl which, aside from being one of the greatest bowl games ever, was also the last known sighting of Matthew McConaughey. What the hell happened to his career between A Time to Kill and now? Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Is Tennessee going to be one of those teams we never both pick in the same week, also knows as the Atlanta Falcons Memorial "Here's Where I Make Up Some Ground" Team? Pick: Indianapolis


San Francisco at St. Louis

Aaron: Last week, if the 49ers had lost and the Rams had won, Joe would've put up a 16-0 week. I think I speak for the world when I say "whew." Besides, I do "insufferable" so much better than Joe. Pick: St. Louis

Joe: Two teams who looked significantly worse than I expected them to last week. St. Louis, in addition, is currently suffering from the Plague or whatever. Pick: San Francisco


New Orleans at Tampa Bay

Aaron: If last week's loss to the Colts was the devastating storm, this week's game for the Saints will be the equivalent of the rapid rebuilding of the, umm…let's see, I need a euphemism for "white", umm…"good parts" of New Orleans. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Damn, Cam, you're getting more mileage out of Katrina than Bono. Pick: New Orleans


Green Bay at New York Giants

Aaron: Back-up Giants QB Jared Lorenzen gets his first NFL start this week. A near 300 lb. quarterback in New York? Ooh, I sure hope the local media and headline writers cover this from every angle. I'm tired of their usual restraint. Pick: New York Giants

Joe: Personally I'm glad Jared Lorenzen is around. I'd been getting sick of being the only fat guy in New York not running a pizza joint. I don't love the Pack, but they've got a good defense, and teeing up against a backup QB and RB should work out for them. Pick: Green Bay


Buffalo at Pittsburgh

Aaron: Nope, not again Bills. Last week vs. Denver, in a single game, I experienced the decades of frustration that the locals have lived through in following this team from birth. I am now one of yours, Buffalo. (At least, until you vote Mayor Brown out of office.) Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: (Uh...pass.) You sure the Bills didn't suffer enough injuries in Week One? Eh, God? Paralysis, broken bones, last-second hurry-up field goals? If J.P. Losman gets injured by a rain of falling toads, I'm officially out. Pick: Pittsburgh


Cincinnati at Cleveland

Aaron: Chad Johnson had all offseason to come up with his first touchdown celebration and he picks a mock Hall of Fame jacket with an iron-on enshrinement date? You'll never make next year's ESPN "Who's Now" bracket with laziness like that. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: I spent the past week writing down the name of every sportswriter and talking head yahoo who slammed the Browns for not playing Brady Quinn so that when Quinn does eventually start playing and inevitably sucking the bag with this crap-ass team, I'll know who the hypocrites are when they start writing off his pro career. Pick: Cincinnati


Atlanta at Jacksonville

Aaron: I think it's safe to say I won't be picking Atlanta again all season. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: Jacksonville didn't exactly sprout daisies out of their helmets last week either. But I've picked way too many road teams as it is this week. Pick: Jacksonville


Seattle at Arizona

Aaron: I'm not sold on Seattle, but since no team no-shows the last two minutes of games like the Cardinals, I can't go with 'Zona. And, if Matt Leinart starts showing any interest in accepting his baby-daddy responsibilities, I'm giving up on them entirely. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Matt Leinart might want to start showing interest in completing passes to his receivers first. Besides Edgerrin James -- who looked pretty great -- Arizona's offense barely looked like they were playing football. Glad I made Larry Fitzgerald my top-drafted WR! Pick: Seattle


Minnesota at Detroit

Aaron: Congratulations, Lions! You're now the state of Michigan's new official football team. And who do we root for on Saturday? The Wolverines vs. The Fighting Irish? Both 0-2! I want crowd shots a-plenty, ABC! Pick: Detroit

Joe: I keep wanting to pick Detroit, but my fingers won't allow me to predict a 2-0 start for the Lions. Pick: Minnesota


Dallas at Miami

Aaron: I still don't think Dallas is as good as they looked in week #1. Now, they've got a mid-September game in Miami where even good teams tend to look sluggish in the heat and humidity. Fortunately, Miami needs neither to suck. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Granted, but Marion Barber looks sluggish on the best of days and that still hasn't managed to keep him out of the end zone. Pick: Dallas


Kansas City at Chicago

Aaron: The Bears were exposed by the Chargers as the pretenders to the throne that they are, so they'll take it all out on the Chiefs this week. Larry Johnson should've shown up for training camp and skipped this game. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Not to disagree with you or anything, but I thought the Bears holding San Diddy to 14 points showed that their defense is still every bit as good as they were last season. Their offense is inconsistent as ever, too, but that's still good enough in the NFC. Or against KC. Pick: Chicago


New York Jets at Baltimore

Aaron: On the one hand, the Jets have earned my eternal admiration for their part in exposing the New England Patriots' cheating ways. On the other hand, I am the acting Sergeant-At-Arms of the "Stop Snitching" campaign (San Diego Chapter). Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Speaking of arms, it's a nice change of pace for Steve McNair to have injured his groin rather than his shoulder last week. Good to know he's got broken-down old-man parts down there as well. Pick: Baltimore


Oakland at Denver

Aaron: For the first time in NFL history a team looked past its opening week opponent. For the Raiders, this is their season opener and, probably, their season. This ain't personal bias, it's insanity. Aaron's Upset Special, baby. (And, at the very least, take the Raiders and the points. There's no way Denver covers as 9-9 1/2 point favorites.) Pick: Oakland

Joe: Don't worry, readers. We'll get Aaron the help he needs. Pick: Denver


San Diego at New England

Aaron: Few teams have talked more trash about the cheating Patriots than the Chargers this week. Understandable, since Shawne Merriman's and Luis Castillo's failed steroid tests don't count in football and LaDanian Tomlinson is, in his words, "a classy individual". Me thinks the Chargers desire to shut up the Pats is outweighed by the Pats desire to be media martyrs. Pick: New England

Joe: Once again, Cam, the fact that your hate for the Chargers continues to trump your hate for New England makes me very, very sad. That being said, this game is so obviously going to the game where the Teflon Pats win big and by Monday we'll all be talking about Moss and Brady and not how their coach is a dirty, dirty cheater with a face that could make children cry. Pick: New England


Washington at Philadelphia

Aaron: Dear Eagles coach Andy Reid. Stop sampling your sons' stash and try running Brian Westbrook a little earlier than the middle of the 2nd quarter this week. Hugs, Aaron... Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Tough game to pick. I have absolutely no handle on how good/bad these teams really are, not to mention the fact that their head-to-head games never end up the way you think they will anyway. Flip a coin... Pick: Philadelphia

3 comments:

jessica said...

Now, now. Matthew McConaughey was actually spotted at the OSU-Texas game in Austin last year. My unrequited lust object partied with him and Armstrong and Gyllenhaal, which now that I think about it might answer some questions about why said object remains unrequited.

Y'know, I watched the recaps/scores of most of these games yesterday and still couldn't tell you how you guys did. But I do know that Michigan fans are clapping themselves pretty heartily on the back for managing to shut out the team currently last in all offensive categories. How exactly do you run backwards for 3 games straight?

That Bootleg Guy said...

Fortunately, Jessica, the wins and losses between Joe and I are secondary (nay, tertiary!) to our chemistry and this blog's comedic elements.

jessica said...

Awww, does that mean Joe's still ahead? ;-)