Thursday, September 06, 2007

Smooth Joey Apollo's '07 NFL Picks: Week 1

We're back! Former two-time Inside Pulse favorite columnist and current capable blogger Aaron Cameron and I are once again teaming up to see who's better at picking football games. The NFL's regular season kicks off (I'm contractually obligated to use the "kicks off" metaphor due to Roger Goodell's new " Anything to distract from dog fights and the oncoming train that is the inevitable steroid investigation" initiative) tonight with the Saints and the Colts, which means Cam and I had better get a move on.


New Orleans at Indianapolis

Aaron: Since Tony Dungy's God-obiography is now in its eighth printing, it's safe to assume that Jesus is officially Indy's 12th man. Fun fact: That commitment kept Christ from showing up at Notre Dame's home opener last Saturday. Well, that and traffic. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I'll be watching the post-game handshakes very closely to see if Dungy pulls Drew Brees aside and tells him that he can get rid of that giant facial mole he was born with if he just prays hard enough. The Colts "Nowhere To Go But Down" season begins with Pick: Indianapolis

Atlanta at Minnesota

Aaron: Remember when the 2005 New Orleans Saints became football vagabonds on account of some rain and wind? Overcoming adversity, they won on the road in their season opener. In other words, look for 100 soft-focus Joey Harrington interviews next week. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Remember, folks, when it comes time to address your hate mail, it was Aaron Cameron who equated Michael Vick and his electrocuted dogs with Katrina victims. Aaron Cameron. Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at St. Louis

Aaron: How do I choose between two evenly matched teams? (1) The Rams are at home. (2) The Rams have a player actually named Richie Incognito. A name like that should have "short-lived Fox drama" immediately preceding it. Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I think these are two teams moving in opposite directions. The fact that the Rams swapped one white wide receiver for an even better wide receiver (Drew Bennett, the turf is yours) makes them the more attractive option. Pick: St. Louis

Denver at Buffalo

Aaron: Good luck finding your Bills on local TV, Joe. Now, like the rest of us, you'll have to wait for Stuart Scott to "booyah" your teams' highlights during the 11PM Sportscenter. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Joke's on you, Cam, I've already found a bar that shows Bills games on Sundays. I'll believe they serve decent chicken wings when I see them, but: baby steps. Pick: Denver

Kansas City at Houston

Aaron: This has the makings of one of those Week #1 wins that gets everyone's hopes up in the belief that a perennially sad sack franchise has "turned the corner". Remember this game, Texans fans. Especially when the Colts are hanging 50 on you in two weeks. Pick: Houston

Joe: I hate it when Cam picks the same upset I was going to. Pick: Houston

Miami at Washington

Aaron: It Was Written: Beginning in 1988 and every 20 years after that, a Black quarterback shall lead the Redskins to the Super Bowl. Bet early, bet often, America. Pick: Washington

Joe: After the game, there will be a town meeting about why asshole college coaches from the SEC smell like poo. Pick: Washington

New England at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: This has the makings of one of those Week #1 losses that gets everyone in a panic in the belief that a perennially winning franchise has "lost their way". Or not. Pick: New England

Joe: Here's the logic behind me picking Randy Moss for my fantasy team: either he does awesome and contributes for my team or else he crashes, burns, and hopefully takes the Patriots team down with him. That, my friends, is win-win. Pick: New England

Philadelphia at Green Bay

Aaron: Can we all agree that Brett Favre is just going to die on the field, someday? He must WANT this to be his fate, because I can't come up with any other explanation for him to keep coming back. And, how much do those "lifetime passes" from the media cost these days? Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: On the other side of the field, Donovan McNabb begins Year Nine of his career-long quest to stay healthy long enough to disappoint Philly fans in the playoffs. Pick: Green Bay

Pittsburgh at Cleveland

Aaron: I'm convinced that this is the year Ben Roethlisberger is exposed as the fraud he is, without any "motorcycles" or "appendectomies" to hide behind. Lucky for him, he can still hide behind "playing the Browns twice a year". Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: It's the "Fat Head" commercials that have made you hate Big Ben, isn't it? Personally, I think he's one illegitimate child away from being one of the best QBs in football. Pick: Pittsburgh

Tennessee at Jacksonville

Aaron: If you'll allow me TWO Black quarterback generalizations in the same week: when picking a game featuring a pair of Black QBs, always go with the team that cut their starting Black QB and replaced him with another. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: According to my priest, I have to apologize to Vince Young three dozen more times and say six rosaries for doubting him last season. But I can still scoff at the pro prospects of LenDale White! Pick: Tennessee

Chicago at San Diego

Aaron: I'm still coming down from the cloud where last year's Chargers playoff collapse took place. Take THAT, adopted hometown! In other news, funeral services for Rex Grossman are pending. Closed casket - no viewing. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Two teams I generally like but who I can't see going anywhere but down this season. And just in time for Cedric Benson and Phillip Rivers to show up on my fantasy team, too. Pick: San Diego

Detroit at Oakland

Aaron: My Raiders haven't won a season opener since 2002. They won all of two games last year, so the league rewarded them with the toughest schedule in the NFL for '07. Not since the Civil Rights Movement has so much unfair oppression been overcome. Pick: Oakland

Joe: True. And if Daunte Culpepper had been handed the reins of the Civil Rights Movement back in the '60s, well...I don't think I'm allowed to finish that sentence. Pick: Detroit

Tampa Bay at Seattle

Aaron: The Jon Gruden Burnout Countdown is in its fifth and final year. Looking forward to him filling the vacant "embittered ex-coach" chair next to Rich Eisen on The NFL Network (which Time-Warner Cable still doesn't carry). Pick: Seattle

Joe: I won't be so clichéd as to use the "Tampa Bay're on the clock" line, but the alternative is making some more Mike Holmgren Is The Walrus jokes. Pick: Seattle

N.Y. Giants at Dallas

Aaron: I think the Giants will be better than people think, while I don't know where all this "10-win" talk in Dallas is coming from. I just wanted to get that out there in case I'm right. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Kudos, Cam, on taking the high road by not gloating about how the rest of the world has caught up to your rabid Tiki Barber hate of yesteryear. I guess that means there's a glimmer of hope that public opinion on Michael Vick can still turn around. Pick: Dallas

Baltimore at Cincinnati

Aaron: Steve McNair's postseason ineptness helped me nail a three team parlay last January during Divisional Playoff Week. You just keep being you, Steve. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Blogging about your successful three team parlay eight months ago. Great to have you on Low Res, Mr. Simmons! Pick: Cincinnati

Arizona at San Francisco

Aaron: There was article in SI last month where Matt Leinart's posse was repeatedly called "an entourage" and his out-of-wedlock son was all but glossed over. Finally! I wish I knew what it took to get a reporter to NOT use an athlete's personal life to further his/her own moral and sociopolitical preaching. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: So you're saying we should stop calling Travis Henry's nine kids a "posse"? Pick: Arizona


NYOne said...

Duuuuude, I AM ready for some football!
And WTF is up with Tiki? Was he always this big an ass and we just never realized it?

Anonymous said...

Not to complain because this is one of my favs to read but with your recent track record on posting are you going to be able to keep this up on a weekly basis? I'm still waiting for the post on the movies you saw a few weeks back.

jessica said...

A big thanks to Cam for playing to the college fans with a little shout-out to Notre Dame's complete and total ineptitude. Funnier? Michigan losing to Appy State and then getting KILLED by Oregon. Both at home. Ahh, life is good. Next week, alas, one of those 0-2 teams will have a win.

What? Am I obligated to discuss NFL?

Joe said...

Week 1 results:

Joe -- 14-2
Aaron -- 10-6

I'll save my smart-assed comments for Aaron's blog.