So through a combination of a) being hungover, and b) extreme procrastination, my sister and I spent the bulk of Saturday afternoon watching videos on MTV Hits. Here's a summary of our findings:
Fergie -- "Fergalicious"
"I love this song. I'm not even kidding. LOVE IT."
"Come on, you liked 'London Bridge.'"
"That was a good song. This song's too braggy. 'Ooh, I'm so delicious!'"
"'London Bridge' was about how easy it was to get into her vagina!"
"She's dressed like a Whorey Girl Scout. She's selling Fergalicious Cookies."
"Samoas are Fergilicious, I'll give you."
"When she's in the cake, she looks like her Wild Orchid days."
"I think it's the lipstick. Frosted lips = Wild Orchid. Red lips = Black Eyed Peas."
"I think it's actually the lip liner."
"Good call. 'So delicious!'"
Pussycat Dolls -- "Buttons"
"God. If there is one girl I'd like to look like, it's this girl."
"Really. She's gorgeous."
"Huh. She looks kind of horsey to me."
"No. Gorgeous. Her hair especially."
"So did they recruit her to be a singer for the group? Or did she audition to be a stripper like the rest of them?"
"I think she auditioned to be a stripper. I dunno, look it up."
"Huh. She's was originally in Eden's Crush."
"Who was that?"
"The Popstars group? The girl version of O-Town?"
"Dude, you're old."
Ciara -- "Promise"
"I think she has a magic microphone stand."
"That's what Missy Elliott said."
"She is a very good dancer, I think."
"She is. Are those high-waisted jeans? Is she bringing those back in style?"
"They are back in style. I've seen 'em."
"Good. I've seen far too many female ass cracks in one lifetime."
"What kind of dance is this? Stick-out-my-vagina-2-step?"
"She obviously has an itch between her shoulder blades and she's scratching it on this brick wall."
"She's also bringing Hammer pants back into style."
The Killers -- "Bones"
"Ooh, I like this song!"
"I'm over it. So overplayed."
"It is. And they never played the other one, which I liked a lot more. Weird."
"So what's with the mustache?"
**Followed by 25-minute debate as to whether Brandon Flowers's new look is a big joke that he's in on or not. Our verdict: it is.
Shakira -- "Don't Bother"
"Wait a second. Wood paneling, she's in her underwear -- this is a sequel to that Fiona Apple video."
"Except for the bulimia, yeah."
"She's replaced the bath with a shower, though."
"Well, you gotta put your stamp on-- hold up. Rewind that. What's she saying?"
"She's becoming a Communist?"
"She'd make you a fruit bowl?"
"And eat it?"
"Okay, play that back again."
"'I'll file my nails so they won't hurt you.'"
"'And learn about football.' Football, not fruit bowl."
"Oh! That makes much more sense."
"Seriously, that's the craziest thing ever. She's moving to a communist country and losing weight..."
"By eating nothing but fruit..."
"From a bowl, yes. And then watching football."
"For her man."
"Fergie would never go Commie for a man."
"Shakira should be more Fergalicious."
"I still love her, though."
For real, though, y'all. Watch that Shakira video. The spoken word part. Craziest thing you'll hear all year.