Saturday, December 30, 2006

Smooth Joey Appollo's NFL Picks: Week 17

Well. This is it. We actually made it through an entire NFL season's worth of picks and -- save for one weather-related catastrophe -- we never flaked. Weird schedules, sucky home teams, reader disinterest, the maddening inability to correctly pick the 49ers, Falcons, Saints, or Browns -- none of it deterred us. And now, with a mere two games separating us, we enter Week 17.

Oh, and by the way, you can now find Aaron any time at his brand new blog: That Bootleg Guy. Man, some people are really willing to run a gimmick into the ground, huh? In unrelated news, Tom Cruise is gay and crazy, and in this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Week 16 results:

Joe: 8-8
Aaron: 10-6

Season to date:

Joe: 128-86 (.598)
Aaron: 135-92 (.592)

[A statistical tie going into the home stretch. Awesome.]

N.Y. Giants at Washington
Aaron: If I remember correctly, back in the first week of "Joey Apollo", I predicted an 8-8 season for the Giants. Don't make me look the fool, Eli. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: This is the week we all erroneously expect the 7-8 NFC teams to suddenly pull it all together for the playoffs. Starting with... Pick: NY Giants

Carolina at New Orleans
Aaron: I also remember stating that I was never going to pick the Saints again, this season. Thanks again, Drew you're forcing me to side with the enigmatic Panthers. Pick: Carolina

Joe: This is a tough one. The Saints have nothing to play for, the Panthers are clinically unable to come through in the clutch. I'll side with New Orleans sticking it to a division rival. Pick: New Orleans

Cleveland at Houston
Aaron: Nice of Texans QB David Carr to make a late push for another season in Houston. Here's hoping the locals enjoy their team screwing up high draft picks for the rest of the decade. Trust me, it never stops hurting. Pick: Houston

Joe: The Cleveland Browns and I have officially broken up. Loses to Tampa Bay, come on! Pick: Houston

Detroit at Dallas
Aaron: After beating the Giants on 12/3, the Cowboys were being called the '06 NFC Champs. Three weeks later, Bill Parcells is this close to an in-game coronary. C'mon, Lions! Pick: Dallas

Joe: Hopefully when Tony Romo takes his offensive line out for a big steak dinner to thank them for his Pro Bowl berth, he takes his girlfriend Carrie Underwood with him. Order the Porterhouse, Carrie! Don't be afraid to fill up on bread! Pick: Dallas

Jacksonville at Kansas City
Aaron: Chiefs' RB Larry Johnson's role in the inexplicable collapse of my fantasy team has gone unstated to this point. Let's just say I'm rooting for the Jags to end his season before the Chiefs' season actually ends. (wink) Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: I cannot muster any kind of enthusiasm for this game. Like, at all. Pick: Kansas City

New England at Tennessee
Aaron: Joe got quite the holiday roller coaster ride as Handsome Vince Young led the Titans past the Bills last week. I'm pretty sure this game is gonna cost me the season, but what the hell... Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Yeah, now that they've defeated my Bills, I am so rooting for the Titans to make the playoffs. Pick: Tennessee

Oakland at N.Y. Jets
Aaron: Finally, it ends. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: Ugh. I cannot believe the Jets are going to make the playoffs. Cannot. Believe. It. Rot in hell, Laverneaus Coles. Pick: NY Jets

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Aaron: Since everyone already thinks that this will be Bill Cowher's last game as Steelers' head coach, let's go with an ending that oozes squishy sentiment...and totally f*cks Cincinnati over. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: How many ways could the Bengals find to lose that game last week in Denver? Dropped touchdowns, botched extra points, I felt like I was watching a Bills Super Bowl. They have to win this week, right? Turns out, no. Pick: Pittsburgh

Seattle at Tampa Bay
Aaron: Worse news for Bucs fans: the entirety of the 2006 season or the fact that spleen-less QB Chris Simms will be back for '07...and '08? Discuss. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Wither Bruce Gradkowski, Tampa Bay front office? Wither Bruce Gradkowski? Pick: Seattle

St. Louis at Minnesota
Aaron: Thanks for all the great parity Paul Tagliabue! You enjoy that retirement and resultant mall walking/lawn bowling thing. Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I've had just about enough of your lawn-bowling bashing, young man! Pick: Minnesota

Arizona at San Diego
Aaron: I hate the Chargers, I hate their fans and if this team wins the Super Bowl, I'll kill myself. Pick: San Diego

Joe: I, on the other hand, will totally be rooting for the Chargers to win the Super Bowl. But not to piss off Aaron. Mostly. Pick: San Diego

Atlanta at Philadelphia
Aaron: Anyone else think that Eagles QB Jeff Garcia has a "Frank Reich" appeal to him? No one outside of the Reid household will get that, so I suggest everyone move in with Joe for a week. He's got extra room and plenty of booze. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: False and true. And hopefully Jeff Garcia isn't dorkily religious like Reich was. I could not have been more happy for a guy than I was for Garcia beating Terrell "Drop It Like It's Hot" Owens. Merry Christmas to me! Pick: Philadelphia

Buffalo at Baltimore
Aaron: Well, the Ravens need to win and hope the Chargers lose in order to score home-field throughout the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Bills are playing for something more important...respect. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I would love nothing better than to see the Bills beat the Ravens, my most inexplicably loathed team this season. Why do they keep winning??? Pick: Baltimore

Miami at Indianapolis
Aaron: The playoffs always need a good storyline and I can't think of a better one than "Colts stumble into playoffs with consecutive losses". Plus, no Ricky Proehl for Indy on Sunday. Pick: Miami

Joe: Eh. If the Dolphins couldn't beat the Jets last week? Pick: Indianapolis

San Francisco at Denver
Aaron: The Associated Press headline from last week's wacky-ending Broncos/Bengals game: "Oh, Snap!" That couldn't have been hilarious only to me. Pick: Denver

Joe: Is that seriously what it was? Genius. That's what you get when the mail room intern gets drafted to write the headlines while everyone's off for Christmas. Pick: Denver

Green Bay at Chicago
Aaron: So, NBC used their "flex schedule" powers for this game? Oh, of course. It's meaningless for the Bears and gives Brett Favre a chance to throw 5 TDs vs. Chicago's back-ups. Who'll gush more, Al Michaels or John Madden?! I'm going with the upset: Jerome Bettis. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: You know what? No. This has to stop somewhere, and Brian Griese is the guy to draw a line in the sand. Pick: Chicago


jessica said...

I just want you to know that I've read every single one of these posts, word for word. And I don't really want to move in with Joe, but I'd love to partake in his booze. Call me!

Joe R. said... my count, Aaron wins the season. By one game. By siding with the Brett Favre Coronation Committee. I hope he can live with himself, is all I'm saying.

Anonymous said...

I have the same count, Joe. I just knew that the NFL and NBC wouldn't let Favre go out with a loss. As the prince of scripted television (you're no King Coogan) I'd have expected you to realize that.