Thursday, December 14, 2006

Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 15

Last week:

Joe: 9-7
Aaron: 9-7

Season to date:

Joe: 109-73 (.599)
Aaron: 116-79 (.595)

Could! Not! Be! Closer!

San Francisco at Seattle
Aaron: So, I pick the 49ers for the first time in forever last week and, sho’ nuff, they lose at home to the remains of Brett Favre. My son’s college fund says “f*ck you, San Francisco”. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Can I be the first to start the Seneca Wallace QB controversy? Pick: Seattle

Dallas at Atlanta
Aaron: Saturday night football? Isn’t that what killed the XFL (among a million other things)? Well, I’ve been on quite the roll with wins I’ve called out as “upsets”, so let’s see if I can do it again. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: And I've been on a...well not a roll, really. But I sure do love picking against the Falcons this year! Pick: Dallas

Cleveland at Baltimore
Aaron: Watch the Browns get ground into a fine powder. A few days later, Ravens LB Ray Lewis will turn state’s evidence against his teammates and rat ‘em out to the league. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Joey Porter says Cleveland's Kellen Winslow is a fag, huh? Um...pass. Pick: Baltimore

Detroit at Green Bay
Aaron: Only four more weeks before the nation can spend the next six months wondering if Brett Favre will play in 2007. He’s such a gritty and intense tease! Pick: Green Bay

Joe: You think Favre is gallantly indecisive like this in his real life? "Well kids, maybe Santa will come this year, maybe he won't. Maybe Santa needs a stronger team of reindeer next year in order to make it worth Santa's while." Pick: Green Bay

Houston at New England
Aaron: Brady and New England are about due for one of those 42-10 shellackings over a mediocre team that all the experts use to conclude that the Pats are back! Pick: New England

Joe: Has any one NFL player gone from likeable to utterly unlikeable quicker than Tom Brady? Or is it only me that finds him to have become an utter whiner and egomaniac? Whoops! Looks like I'm not giving the Pats the respect they deserve again. They hate that! Pick: New England

Jacksonville at Tennessee
Aaron: This retroactive Vince Young love is easily the top NFL story of the year for me. Nobody liked this guy coming out of college and now all of that Tony Romo anointing oil is being chucked at Young’s incredibly ugly mug. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: My Vince Young Apology Letter now reads like the 95 Theses. "And I'm sorry for saying you were a bad parallel parker..." Pick: Jacksonville

Miami at Buffalo
Aaron: These games just aren’t the same without Bryan Cox to stir things up. And, after last week’s uncertainty from me, I’m convinced that Miami’s renaissance is for real. This week. Pick: Miami

Joe: How did I go from picking against my Bills as a matter of principle to siding with them out of a similar principle? Could it be...J.P. Losman? I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life. Pick: Buffalo

N.Y. Jets at Minnesota
Aaron: A few days ago, the Vikings defensive backs coach was arrested on a DUI. As far as 2006 coach-crime, this one ranks third behind the Lions coach who drove naked through a Wendy’s drive-thru and Raiders coach Art Shell (serial sideline loiterer). Pick: N.Y. Jets

Joe: It's now official: I could run for 100 yards against the Jets defense. And yet they occasionally win. Pick: NY Jets

Pittsburgh at Carolina
Aaron: Are the Panthers starting Chris Weinke again this week? The same Weinke that’s won just one of his seventeen NFL starts? And, if they do, why am I still picking Carolina? I wish I knew. Pick: Carolina

Joe: Good news, Panther fans. With Jake Delhomme on the bench, you won't have to worry about blowing a lead anymore! Pick: Pittsburgh

Tampa Bay at Chicago
Aaron: This is like Oh, God Part III, where Bucs coach Jon Gruden (played by Ted Wass) now must pay for that tainted Super Bowl win back in 2002. Enjoy those ulcers, Jon. Pick: Chicago

Joe: "Tainted," by the way, means "at the expense of the Raiders." Was the QB matchup in that Super Bowl really Brad Johnson vs. Rich Gannon? That could only be bested by a possible Rex Grossman vs. What's Left Of Steve McNair bowl this year. Pick: Chicago

Washington at New Orleans
Aaron: Opening weekend of my fantasy football playoffs and I “needs some Brees!” (T-shirts and hoodies available for sale this Saturday, XXL $2 extra) Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Always discriminating against the chunky bruthas, eh? it "bruthas"? "Brothers" sounds too Hulk Hogan. Pick: New Orleans

Denver at Arizona
Aaron: Hey, way to completely give up on defense and allow Tomlinson those late garbage time TDs last week, Shanahan. Fortunately, I have the comic relief of sportswriters who seriously think the last few weeks have “saved” Denny Green’s job in Arizona. Pick: Arizona

Joe: (Psst! Thanks, Mike Shanahan!) Okay, Denver's not great, but they can beat Arizona, right?? Pick: Denver

Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: More improbable headline…”Jeff Garcia, Season’s Savior” or “Eli Manning & His TWO Back to Back Good Games”? Let’s go with the latter, since it’s less sacrilegious. Pick: N.Y. Giants

Joe: Why do both of my NFC Wild Card picks have to play each other? Harrumph. Go with the home team. Pick: NY Giants

St. Louis at Oakland
Aaron: Oakland finished a distant eighth in this year’s listing of America’s Most Dangerous Cities, while St. Louis was number one. Here’s hoping someone reads that article (slowly, sounding out the big words) to the Raider fans at the Coliseum on Sunday. Make me proud, you collection of gangbangers and unwashed bikers! Pick: St. Louis

Joe: Okay, I saw Al Roker high-five Simon Doonan on the Today show today. My point: weird shit can happen. Pick: Oakland

Kansas City at San Diego
Aaron: Attention: San Diegans over the age of 40…stop wearing those replica football jerseys out in public. This goes double for those powder-blue ones that everyone loves. You people look ridiculous…especially when you tuck them in. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Fantasy football playoffs: THIS is what you look like! My matchup features my meal ticket LaDanian Tomlinson versus the opposing Larry Johnson. So this game? Kind of important. Never stop scoring, San Diddy. Never! Stop! Scoring! Pick: San Diego

Cincinnati at Indianapolis
Aaron: After two weeks, is it time to panic in Indy or is this just a bump in the road? Hey, after sixteen picks, I’m fresh out of clichés. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: In Indy, it's beyond time to panic. It's time to crack each other's skulls open and start feasting on the goo inside. Pick: Indianapolis

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