Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 14

Week 13 results:

Joe: 11-5
Aaron: 8-8

Season to date:

Joe: 100-66 (.602)
Aaron: 107-72 (.598)

[And it's a dead heat heading into the final month!]

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Aaron: Our friends at the NFL Network might want to look into the concept of the “flex game” next season. Not that a final score of 15-12 as called by Bryant Gumbel won’t draw ratings. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: I'm just patiently waiting for Gumbel to find something in one of these games to get outraged about. I've got my money on "Troy Polamalu's hair." Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Aaron: Games like this make me wish the South had seceded. Hmm…Civil War humor hasn’t aged as well as I’d hoped. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Well not when you're referring to that old Dixie outpost...Tampa, Florida. My reputation for disagreeing with you whenever the Falcons are involved lives on. Pick: Tampa Bay

Baltimore at Kansas City
Aaron: The Ravens crapped the bed vs. Cincy last week, while the Chiefs get the first of a back-to-back Ravens/Chargers dominating defense daily double in the next two weeks. Enjoy the start of your December collapse, Herm Edwards. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Herm Edwards looks like he'd make for an excellent vice-principal of discipline at a high school somewhere. Not that I think he should start looking for a new career quite yet. Pick: Kansas City

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Aaron: The schedule says the Colts aren’t slated to lose again until the 2nd round of the playoffs. Plus, it’s freakin’ Jacksonville. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Jacksonville won last week, right? Well this one is easy, then. Pick: Indianapolis

Minnesota at Detroit
Aaron: Wasn’t Lions QB Jon Kitna a confirmed four-star “sleeper” in everyone’s preseason fantasy league magazines? How long can someone be “underrated” before they become “rated”? Methinks Kitna goes off…and the italics are mine. Pick: Detroit

Joe: Can someone answer a question for me? Who plays for the Vikings? Like, the names of the players. Anyone. Brad Johnson? That can't be correct. Tommy Kramer? Wade Wilson? Herschel Walker? Pick: Detroit

New England at Miami
Aaron: The Pats looked terrible in last week’s win over Detroit, but I’m not buying this Miami renaissance. I mean, it’s not like Dan Marino and Mark Duper are gonna walk through that door. Pick: New England

Joe: It fell apart for Miami last week, but New England seems to play down to their competition. In-division road games can be brutal. Pick: Miami

NY Giants at Carolina
Aaron: How awesome was last week’s image of the Giants getting beaten by one of the Grammatica Ewoks? Both of these teams are fading fast, but since I’m rooting against Eli, Tiki and Shockey, that means they’ll win. Pick: N.Y. Giants

Joe: HATER! Pick: NY Giants

Oakland at Cincinnati
Aaron: Just four more months until the Raiders find a way to screw up the Brady Quinn Sweepstakes. Did you know they could’ve had Matt Leinart? But, they didn’t want him. I hate you, Al Davis. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: AGEIST! Pick: Cincinnati

Philadelphia at Washington
Aaron: I dare you to win back-to-back games, Jeff Garcia. And, on the road, no less. And, against a light-skinned African-American quarterback with a Jeff Hostetler mustache. Pick: Washington

Joe: HOMOPHOBE! Pick: Philadelphia

Tennessee at Houston
Aaron: Vince Young returns to Texas and on quite the roll, no less. Reggie Bush, on an unrelated note, scored 4 TDs last week. Meanwhile, #1 draft choice Mario Williams really can fill out that uniform. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: I hate having to momentarily eat crow on this Vince Young thing. HATE IT! Pick: Tennessee

Green Bay at San Francisco
Aaron: Watch. Just watch. The one week that I actually pick the 49ers… Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I'll go down in flames with you, I guess. I like the Niners at home, generally. Pick: San Francisco

Seattle at Arizona
Aaron: Is taking the Cardinals at home against a Seahawks team that’s coming off a big win last Sunday night considered an upset? Humor me, Joe. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Dude, Arizona got their win last week. I don't think they're quite ready for the back-to-back thing. Pick: Seattle

Buffalo at N.Y. Jets
Aaron: Bill Simmons of legend once wrote: “Never bet on an average quarterback on the road in December”. Come on, Buffalo…you guys shove it right back in his doughy mug. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Oh, awesome. TWO teams who can't stop the run. Luckily, this means the QBs won't have to air it out in that swirling East Rutherford wind. Pick: Buffalo

Denver at San Diego
Aaron: The Broncos appear to be dead. As a Raiders fan, this makes me smile. The Chargers appear headed to at least the AFC Championship Game. As a Raiders fan, this makes me sad. And, as a Black man, I’m just generally angry. Pick: San Diego

Joe: As a LaDanian Tomlinson fantasy football owner, I'm perpetually happy. Pick: San Diego

New Orleans at Dallas
Aaron: The poet in me would bill this as “Under the Sea vs. Big D”, but since Hurricane Katrina jokes are now as unfunny as a trailer for “The Simpsons” movie, I should probably refrain. And, we all know that no one wants to read about movie trailers. Zing! Pick: Dallas

Joe: Man, I get your shit for the movie trailer AND I bet bitter email about New Orleans after my Studio 60 recaplet? A smartass can't win. Pick: Dallas

Chicago at St. Louis
Aaron: When did Bears QB Rex Grossman suddenly become “embattled”? Weren’t they undefeated, like, just yesterday? Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I understand it's ALWAYS the fashion to rag on the quarterbacks in the NFL, but this season's parade of sportswriting wankers trying to score points off of Grossman and Eli Manning and Jake Delhomme seems...uglier, I think. None of them have been offensive enough to call for the giddy attack dogs that are now after them. And, yes, I did bring things down to serious at the end here. Apologies. Pick: Chicago

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