Low Resolution: Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 14

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 14

Week 13 results:

Joe: 11-5
Aaron: 8-8

Season to date:

Joe: 100-66 (.602)
Aaron: 107-72 (.598)

[And it's a dead heat heading into the final month!]

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Aaron: Our friends at the NFL Network might want to look into the concept of the “flex game” next season. Not that a final score of 15-12 as called by Bryant Gumbel won’t draw ratings. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: I'm just patiently waiting for Gumbel to find something in one of these games to get outraged about. I've got my money on "Troy Polamalu's hair." Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Aaron: Games like this make me wish the South had seceded. Hmm…Civil War humor hasn’t aged as well as I’d hoped. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Well not when you're referring to that old Dixie outpost...Tampa, Florida. My reputation for disagreeing with you whenever the Falcons are involved lives on. Pick: Tampa Bay

Baltimore at Kansas City
Aaron: The Ravens crapped the bed vs. Cincy last week, while the Chiefs get the first of a back-to-back Ravens/Chargers dominating defense daily double in the next two weeks. Enjoy the start of your December collapse, Herm Edwards. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Herm Edwards looks like he'd make for an excellent vice-principal of discipline at a high school somewhere. Not that I think he should start looking for a new career quite yet. Pick: Kansas City

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Aaron: The schedule says the Colts aren’t slated to lose again until the 2nd round of the playoffs. Plus, it’s freakin’ Jacksonville. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Jacksonville won last week, right? Well this one is easy, then. Pick: Indianapolis

Minnesota at Detroit
Aaron: Wasn’t Lions QB Jon Kitna a confirmed four-star “sleeper” in everyone’s preseason fantasy league magazines? How long can someone be “underrated” before they become “rated”? Methinks Kitna goes off…and the italics are mine. Pick: Detroit

Joe: Can someone answer a question for me? Who plays for the Vikings? Like, the names of the players. Anyone. Brad Johnson? That can't be correct. Tommy Kramer? Wade Wilson? Herschel Walker? Pick: Detroit

New England at Miami
Aaron: The Pats looked terrible in last week’s win over Detroit, but I’m not buying this Miami renaissance. I mean, it’s not like Dan Marino and Mark Duper are gonna walk through that door. Pick: New England

Joe: It fell apart for Miami last week, but New England seems to play down to their competition. In-division road games can be brutal. Pick: Miami

NY Giants at Carolina
Aaron: How awesome was last week’s image of the Giants getting beaten by one of the Grammatica Ewoks? Both of these teams are fading fast, but since I’m rooting against Eli, Tiki and Shockey, that means they’ll win. Pick: N.Y. Giants

Joe: HATER! Pick: NY Giants

Oakland at Cincinnati
Aaron: Just four more months until the Raiders find a way to screw up the Brady Quinn Sweepstakes. Did you know they could’ve had Matt Leinart? But, they didn’t want him. I hate you, Al Davis. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: AGEIST! Pick: Cincinnati

Philadelphia at Washington
Aaron: I dare you to win back-to-back games, Jeff Garcia. And, on the road, no less. And, against a light-skinned African-American quarterback with a Jeff Hostetler mustache. Pick: Washington

Joe: HOMOPHOBE! Pick: Philadelphia

Tennessee at Houston
Aaron: Vince Young returns to Texas and on quite the roll, no less. Reggie Bush, on an unrelated note, scored 4 TDs last week. Meanwhile, #1 draft choice Mario Williams really can fill out that uniform. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: I hate having to momentarily eat crow on this Vince Young thing. HATE IT! Pick: Tennessee

Green Bay at San Francisco
Aaron: Watch. Just watch. The one week that I actually pick the 49ers… Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I'll go down in flames with you, I guess. I like the Niners at home, generally. Pick: San Francisco

Seattle at Arizona
Aaron: Is taking the Cardinals at home against a Seahawks team that’s coming off a big win last Sunday night considered an upset? Humor me, Joe. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Dude, Arizona got their win last week. I don't think they're quite ready for the back-to-back thing. Pick: Seattle

Buffalo at N.Y. Jets
Aaron: Bill Simmons of ESPN.com legend once wrote: “Never bet on an average quarterback on the road in December”. Come on, Buffalo…you guys shove it right back in his doughy mug. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Oh, awesome. TWO teams who can't stop the run. Luckily, this means the QBs won't have to air it out in that swirling East Rutherford wind. Pick: Buffalo

Denver at San Diego
Aaron: The Broncos appear to be dead. As a Raiders fan, this makes me smile. The Chargers appear headed to at least the AFC Championship Game. As a Raiders fan, this makes me sad. And, as a Black man, I’m just generally angry. Pick: San Diego

Joe: As a LaDanian Tomlinson fantasy football owner, I'm perpetually happy. Pick: San Diego

New Orleans at Dallas
Aaron: The poet in me would bill this as “Under the Sea vs. Big D”, but since Hurricane Katrina jokes are now as unfunny as a trailer for “The Simpsons” movie, I should probably refrain. And, we all know that no one wants to read about movie trailers. Zing! Pick: Dallas

Joe: Man, I get your shit for the movie trailer AND I bet bitter email about New Orleans after my Studio 60 recaplet? A smartass can't win. Pick: Dallas

Chicago at St. Louis
Aaron: When did Bears QB Rex Grossman suddenly become “embattled”? Weren’t they undefeated, like, just yesterday? Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I understand it's ALWAYS the fashion to rag on the quarterbacks in the NFL, but this season's parade of sportswriting wankers trying to score points off of Grossman and Eli Manning and Jake Delhomme seems...uglier, I think. None of them have been offensive enough to call for the giddy attack dogs that are now after them. And, yes, I did bring things down to serious at the end here. Apologies. Pick: Chicago

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Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol
This was deeply stupid but a LOT of fun. It made me forget how creeped out I am by Tom Cruise, it nailed set piece after set piece, and it took the "A Really Great Episode of Alias" level of M:I 3 to the next step of being "A Really Great Alias Movie." In a year when so many movies just would not stop telling us about the magic of the movies and how films could let us see the impossible, Brad Bird stepped up to the plate and actually showed us. That sequence in Dubai is going to be tough for action movies to top for a long while. And I would honestly nominate it for Costume Design because every single person in that cast looked the most fuckable they ever have, and that's saying something. Jeremy Renner and Paula Patton, nice work. B / B+

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Zodiac meets Seven without the latter's audacity nor the former's studiousness. OR ... the best season of The Killing ever. As a story, it's a smidge too obvious, and I seriously do think it's episodic enough to have been made into a TV series. And I don't want to get into a Gender Studies thing about Lisbeth -- and I could totally entertain ideas to the contrary -- but to me she was pure male fantasy, if a particularly badass male fantasy. Viewed in that light, the rape scene is less bracingly necessary than luridly opportunistic. But I'm not trying to say I was deeply offended by the movie or anything. It's a fun procedural with compelling actors in the lead roles (how does Daniel Craig's insane sexiness continue to sneak up on me?). Obvious casting in the supporting roles is a drawback, but overall, it was far easier for me to look past the story and appreciate Fincher's frigid aesthetics (that ever-present howling wind!) here than it was in The Social Network. B-

Margaret
Here's where 2012 Joe apologizes to 2006 Joe, because I know how frustrating it is to live in the parts of America that just don't get limited-release indie movies that we get in New York. Because I complained and complained about not getting to see Margaret, and ultimately, it was put back into theaters and I got to take advantage of my incredibly fortunate geography to see it. Of course, after weeks and weeks of #teamMargaret, I was worried I'd been oversold on the movie, that I would walk out not getting what all the fuss was about. I'm happy to say I DO get what the fuss was about. It's not a perfect movie, but it packs a punch. The moment that drives the film -- a first-act bus accident that costs Allison Janney her life -- is legitimately harrowing, and it makes total sense that this would be traumatic enough to drive the plot of this sprawling tale (and to stand in for 9/11 when the movie's allegorical needs make it necessary). Anna Paquin's performance as a girl whose self-centeredness is almost feral is a marvel (and it connects a lot of dots for the way she's been playing Sookie on True Blood, to be honest). And the supporting cast is full of great performances and teen actors who would go on to become A Thing in the five years since this movie was made. Believe the hype about Jeannie Berlin's performance, too. She doesn't show up until halfway through, but her every line reading (which range from hilarious to scathing) is a winner, and she and Paquin make for one of the more fascinating screen duos in recent history. Lonergan has significant pacing issues in the latter half -- and my ass he couldn't find any scenes to cut; there are whole subplots and characters (Jean Reno; Matt Damon) who could have been trimmed and/or set aside for a director's cut -- but the script and the actors rarely step wrong. Here is a movie that bites off a lot of big ideas, about responsibility, about the limits of hanging meaning on the meaningless, and how Upper West Side teens can be just as monstrous and insufferable as their east-side counterparts. Also, if every five years we could get a new movie starring the 2005 version of Matt Damon, that would be just fine. Yum. B+

Pariah
There's going to be a danger of overpraising this low-budget indie for being a low-budget indie, and for being about the kinds of characters and environments you don't usually get, even in low-budget indies. When it comes to black, teenage lesbians in lower-middle-class families in non-hipster Brooklyn, we're not exactly spoiled for choice, so for that alone, Pariah SHOULD be celebrated. And it's a very good movie, on its own terms. Adpero Oduye makes for a magnetic and fascinating lead, and the movie lets her life be about a lot of different things at once. Teen movies have a particular tendency to reduce their characters' pressures to just one thing, but Oduye has to deal with coming out and fears over her parents' crumbling marriage, and strained best-friend relationships, and a lot more. It's not a perfect movie -- some of the dialogue feels heavy and scripted, and I don't think Kim Wayans is all that great as the mom. But overall, it's really solid (and not nearly the suffocating bummer I've heard it described as). B

Shame
It's maybe ever-so-slightly more an acting showcase for Michael Fassbender than a cinematic masterpiece, but who's going to complain about settling for very, very good? McQueen digs deep into Fassbender's sex addict character in a way that's explicit but not salacious, and ultimately the joke's on us, because he really puts us into the mindset of a tormented guy unable to forge any kind of human connections. It's quite something. I could go on for about 10 more lines worth of prurient concerns (honestly, Fassbender is 30% penis by volume, I'd swear to it), and one fairly story-based quibble (McQueen really pusses out at the gay club), but for the most part, it's a total must-see. B+

The Week in TV:

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Fringe (5/6)
I have to say, this left me largely unsatisfied. Not the part about Peter at the end -- I'm confident that's going to get resolved in a way that'll open up season 4 in a big way. But that's actually part of my real problem: this whole episode didn't feel like a conclusion to everything Season 3 has built to but rather a beginning for the next arc. But without satisfyingly resolving what had been built up this season. Like we got an epilogue and a springboard into the next chapter without the actual climax. So much of this episode was spent trying to unbox everything we were presented in the flash-forward that by the time the actual action went down, we had less than 10 minutes to advance the plot in any real way. Still love the show, still think Anna Torv has had a breakthrough season, but this was a definite letdown.

Parks and Recreation (5/5)
How does this show do it? What for all intents and purposes seemed like a purely goofy, guest-star-driven episode with Parker Posey as Leslie's rich-town nemesis (with a b-story about Ron Swanson desperately trying to avoid a birthday celebration in his honor) managed to arrive at no fewer than three emotional high-points. Not one of them felt like cheap sentiment, either, they were completely earned and true to the characters. That Leslie/Ron birthday scene was set up so slyly, it was like the twist ending of a thriller. This is what a show can do when it's built on such a strong foundation of characters. Well fucking done.

30 Rock (5/5)
What a weird episode, with a random Kenneth moment at the end that I'd almost buy as an actual plot point considering how well it's supported by several seasons of "Kenneth is ageless" jokes. Liz being tormented by Tracy was funny, if honestly sad, and Jenna works best when opposite Will Forte. But really, this was all about Victor Garber, for me. Kudos to the show for nabbing such a great guest star for such a fun role -- I don't know why "wool" is so comedy-friendly a concept, but it just is. It's very wool.

RuPaul's Drag Race (5/2)
Not as explosive as past seasons' reunions -- the Shangela-Raven feud seems to be at least nominally active, but neither seemed all that invested in propagating it. ...Well, Shangela was, kind of. But besides one more tired rehash of the Heather vs. Boogers battle (my stance: the Heathers were throwing shade like good queens should; the Boogers took it personally because they're insecure and not seasoned; advantage: Heathers), and Alexis Mateo made a lame attempt to shame Michelle Visage for actually judging her, but mostly it was just a rehash of the season's big moments. The big story for me was confirmation that my love for Mariah was not misguided. She may have been eliminated for fully supportable reasons (she didn't have the chops when it came to performance), but she showed up with a killer face and a sparkling attitude. See you on Drag U, girl!

Game of Thrones (5/1)
Damn it, Game of Thrones! You got me hooked last week with that sweet scene of Jon Snow gifting his lil' sister with a sword. Why won't you just let me love you?? This week's episode took two steps forward (Catelyn continues to be a character worth cheering for; Jaime Lannister suddenly has layers beyond the clichéd sister-fucking), but then two steps back with even more tedious political hoo-ha, more indistinguishable characters, and more of Joffrey and Vinerys, possibly the most one-dimensional characters on television. On the bright side, I really think that child-bride sex slave and her hulking rape-monster of a husband are gonna make it!