Saturday, November 04, 2006

Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 9

Week 8 results:

Joe: 6-8
Aaron: 7-7


Season to date:

Joe: 57-31 (.648)
Aaron: 58-43 (.574)

Atlanta at Detroit
Aaron: I don't care that Mike Vick has thrown 50 TDs in the last two weeks. He beat an overrated Bengals team and awful Steelers squad. Detroit's not bad, they're just "misunderstood." Pick: Detroit

Joe: They're also bad, but they're also also the only team that's gonna get Mike Furrey any fantasy points this week, so I'm pulling for them. However, I've been historically too pessimistic about the Falcons this season, and I don't want to get bit about it again. Pick: Atlanta

Cincinnati at Baltimore
Aaron: For all you SI readers, this week's issue features a 300-word blurb on the Ravens' big win last week (Inside the NFL) that's the same size as SI's recap of the Buffalo Sabres entire season, so far (Inside the NHL). In other news, Rick Reilly still isn't funny. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: The Sabres might score more goals this weekend than Baltimore scores points. Offensive points. I'd like to say this is the game where Baltimore comes back down to earth, and I'll probably get burned for it as usual. Pick: Cincinnati

Dallas at Washington
Aaron: Earlier this week, SI's Peter King called Redskins' QB Mark Brunell a "warrior". Mark Brunell. William Wallace. I don't see it. Pick: Dallas

Joe: They both part of overrated organizations led by egomaniacal dipshits? I dunno. I, for one, am welcoming the Tony Romo era with open that I may intercept one of his passes. Pick: Washington

Green Bay at Buffalo
Aaron: That's some mighty-fine scheduling, NFL. Let Brett Favre fatten up on the league's creamy middle, before squashing his hopes dead with a brutal stretch in December. How does 6-10 look in that blurry, soft focus lens, Brett? Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Aw, Cam thinks the Bills are part of the NFL's "creamy middle." That's so sweet. Honestly, for all the shit I've talked about Favre this season, I'm gonna be bummed if he beats my team. Pick: Green Bay

Houston at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: This'll be a nice tune-up before the Giants end the Bears' undefeated season next week. Hey, I can see into the future! I hope my powers don't come and go like Desmond's from Lost. I mean, he could "see" where lightning would strike, but couldn't "see" that Eko would (spoiler alert) die? Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Once again, Adebisi leaves a show before it's completed its run. Sad. Anyway, I'm gonna continue to ride this Giants thing until it crushingly lets me down. Pick: NY Giants

Kansas City at St. Louis
Aaron: Well, I for one can't get enough of Missouri. Their cuddly little Ewok/shortstop, David Eckstein, is the toast of St. Louis...which, was just voted most dangerous city in America. Throw in a controversial stem-cell debate across the state, too. And, I still hate Nelly. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: Speaking of stem cells, who else is majorly not looking forward to Trent Green's triumphant return so that he can Steve Young/Pat LaFontaine himself into an early, brain-damaged grave? Pick: St. Louis

Miami at Chicago
Aaron: Need another reason why old people suck? The '72 Dolphins, the NFL's last undefeated team, still think anyone cares about them whenever they show up to root against an 8-0 team in November. We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Oh, God. I forgot about that Nick Buoniconti douchebag champagne toast. Like I needed another reason to root for the Bears. Pick: Chicago

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Aaron: I've been calling NO's collapse since week #1 and been wrong all year. But, letting George Washington Carver McNair come into the Superdome and dominate can't be a good sign. The end is nigh, N'Awlins. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Which is why they'll be foaming at the mouths to make a statement here. And that statement will be "We're certainly not worse that Steve Bartkowski or whoever is behind center for the Bucs, right?" Work on something pithier next time, Saints, damn. Pick: New Orleans

Tennessee at Jacksonville
Aaron: OK, let's recap...Jacksonville, FL has a team. Nashville, TN has a team. Los Angeles, CA doesn't have a team. Get those expansion applications ready in Sioux City, Bismarck, and Albany! (Yeah, I know...see, that was kind of the joke.) Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: Dude, I'm pretty sure Tennessee doesn't have a football team. Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota at San Francisco
Aaron: So, now the Republicans are using "San Francisco values" as a catchphrase for all that is immoral. And, yet Oakland...right there on the corner of Crack and Gang...gets a pass. I hate Republicans. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: I'd go into a rant about how Republicans are scared of black people but not gay people, but that would lead to me starting a counterrevolutionary guerrilla army designed to strike glitter-clad fear into the hearts of the ruling class. For now, I'll just go for the upset. Pick: San Francisco

Cleveland at San Diego
Aaron: In the eyes of SD fans, Barry Bonds is a no-good steroid cheat, while Shawne Merriman is "intense" and "made a mistake". Just more proof of the double-standard for dark-skinned bruthas and light-skinned bruthas. Pick: San Diego

Joe: There's a joke about the "Browns" here, but I'm far too frightened to make it ("Not just Republicans, is it, hypocrite!"). Cleveland got their win last week. They should be good until December. Pick: San Diego

Denver at Pittsburgh
Aaron: Denver's defense played so bad last week that they literally scored negative points for my fantasy team. Big Ben might not survive this game. From there, I hope they'll turn their wrath onto the entire NBC pregame studio team. Yup, you too, Collinsworth. Pick: Denver

Joe: Not to mention the whole revenge factor from last year's AFC championship game. This could get murder-y, and quick. Pick: Denver

Indianapolis at New England
Aaron: I'm rooting for the Colts just so we can get a 2,000-word whining rant from Bill Simmons. Just like last year, when the Colts beat his Pats. Still, that Indy defense looks worse than...worse than... Well, "worse" enough for me to pick the Pats. Pick: New England

Joe: Ah yes, that would be the "The NFL cheats on behalf of the Manning family, and besides, we didn't even want to win" column. I recall it fondly. I'd love to pick the Colts, but...I never get my way with regard to New England. Pick: New England

Oakland at Seattle
Aaron: The Raiders had 98 yards of total offense last Sunday. For you non-football fans, that's the equivalent of the 200 points you get for spelling your name right on the SATs. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Just give him the ball and get out of Seneca Wallace's way, people! Pick: Seattle


jessica said...

Aww, I love it when CFB players I remember do good in the NFL. Seneca Wallace was pretty awesome at Iowa State. And look, Joe! Buffalo WON A GAME!! Never let it be said that a team can just waltz into the State University of NY and come out with a win. Okay, usually they can, but give the Bulls some love for a great game.

Joe R. said...

Week 9 results:

Joe: 8-6
Aaron: 8-6

Well that was a waste of time.

Season to date:

Joe: 65-37 (.637)
Aaron: 66-49 (.574)