Saturday, October 28, 2006

Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 8

And we're back! Last we met, after week 5, the standings looked like this:

Joe: 51-23
Aaron: 43-31

Then the lights went out, but in the meantime, Aaron sent in his picks for week six and went 8-5, including calling Tampa's upset over Cincinnati. So I'm factoring those results in, and thus will have to use math to calculate winning percentages, so I hope my sacrifice here is appreciated.

Meaning the current standings are:

Joe: 51-23 (.689)
Aaron: 51-36 (.586)

Week 8 picks:

Arizona at Green Bay
Aaron: Thank God the Cardinals are still in the league or else my Raiders might still be searching for win #1. That heartbreaking Chicago loss has essentially neutered 'Zona for the rest of the year. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Okay, the theme for this week is "Joe tries to keep it interesting even though Aaron picked all the teams Joe wanted to." In the spirit of that, even though it's Arizona and even though it's at Lambeau, I'm going to put all my eggs in Matt Leinart's basket. He can fertilize them on his own time. Pick: Arizona

Atlanta at Cincinnati
Aaron: In this week's Sports Illustrated there's a cover story on Bengals WR Chad Johnson and how's he's different from all the other cocky modern athletes. How different? He's only named two of his four illegitimate kids after himself. I'm serious. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: I don't know how you can't be all about Ocho Cinco. He even decreased his stats this season in an effort to make him more relatable to the common man. What's not to love? Pick: Cincinnati

Baltimore at New Orleans
Aaron: Well, I guess I should concede that the Saints ain't the "Ain'ts" no more and maybe they are for real. It sure helps that they get a home game against the Ravens' Steve McNair, who magically turned into the world's oldest Negro from last year to this year. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I'd just like to make it clear that anyone who is rooting for the Saints simply because of Katrina is weak and patronizing. I'm rooting for them for the right reasons: because Drew Brees has a bitchin' birth mark on his face. Pick: New Orleans

Houston at Tennessee
Aaron: So, Joe disappears for two weeks due to snow storms or locust swarms (I can't recall which) and the Titans win a game. It's "the apocalypse" or "the seventh sign" or something. Which one featured a young unsoiled Demi Moore? Pick: Houston

Joe: I believe the plague you're looking for is "boils." "Boils." The only thing more disgusting than boils, by the way, is the prospect of having to watch this game. Pick: Tennessee

Jacksonville at Philadelphia
Aaron: Shout out to Bill Simmons for running a zillion letters from self-loathing Philly fans in his columns each week. I can't get enough of those chalky, arm-chair chunks telling us all how miserable their lives are because of a game. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Two teams who look much better than their records. Philly's statistical dominance is keeping one guy in my fantasy league on a maddening win streak, so I'd like to pick with my heart here, but never go against a team with kicker hatred in their hearts. Pick: Philadelphia

Seattle at Kansas City
Aaron: The Seneca Wallace era is upon us. Never trust a quarterback with a first name so unusual you'd think it belonged to a Black woman. Hey, I married one...and, yes, all their names end in that "uh" sound. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: I thought black people had names like "Carl"? Is Kansas City on the rebound? Or are they just the most schizophrenic team in the league? I suppose we'll see. Pick: Seattle

San Francisco at Chicago
Aaron: Can anyone name ANY Bears offensive player save for Rex Grossman? Anonymity hasn't been this successful since The Pips. Y'know, from "Gladys Knight and...". No? Wow, tough crowd. Pick: Chicago

Joe: I'm sorry, Bernard Berrian? Ring a bell? I haven't enjoyed watching a Bears team quite so much since Chris Farley was dancing the hula in a coconut brassiere. Pick: Chicago

Tampa Bay at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Tiki Barber? That disingenuous donkey-toothed smile just irks me. He'll surely be making someone's Sunday morning pregame show that I never watch even more unwatchable in '07. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Really? Tiki Barber? He seems so...bland and harmless. Which is, of course, why everyone loves him. The Giants have to win this one convincingly if they're going to plant their flag as a major contender in the NFC. Pick: NY Giants

St. Louis at San Diego
Aaron: After having their players get shot by off-duty cops and get busted for drug trafficking, a little ol' steroid scandal in San Diego just seems humdrum by comparison. Pick: San Diego

Joe: The fact that St. Louis is generally succeeding this season with a pretty bad team offends me deeply. Pick: San Diego

Indianapolis at Denver
Aaron: The most unsung reason behind my 7-0 fantasy football start is the Denver defense that I drafted with the 113th overall pick. Just thought you guys might like to know. Pick: Denver

Joe: The most unsung reason behind the Colts' 6-0 start has been Peyton Manning. Seriously, when's he gonna get his due? Pick: Indianapolis

N.Y. Jets at Cleveland
Aaron: Hey, I lost two weeks of catch up time due to Joe Reid in "Day After Tomorrow 2". I gotta go out on a limb a few times this week. Pick: Cleveland

Joe: Oooh, picking against the Jets on the road, you rebel. In other news, how depressed is Kellen Winslow, Jr. that he missed the great Miami brawl of 2006? Pick: Cleveland

Pittsburgh at Oakland
Aaron: If Big Ben gets most of the snaps for the Steelers, the Raiders will win. If it's Charlie Batch, the Steelers win. When in doubt, don't pick Oakland. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: If Pittsburgh loses to Oakland, not only do they have to give the Super Bowl trophy back, but they also have to publicly apologize to Sienna Miller and admit they are, in fact, "Shittsburgh." Pick: Pittsburgh

Dallas at Carolina
Aaron: I caught the Dallas game last week and I'm still waiting to see why everyone wanted Romo to start. If this was in Dallas, maybe. But, since it's in North Carolina... Pick: Carolina

Joe: I still enjoy watching Bill Parcells's slow descent into mediocrity, even though announcers and analysts still persist in brushing off the man's whiny-baby reactions to a simple press conference. Pick: Carolina

New England at Minnesota
Aaron: Does Bill Belichick wear those goofy hooded sweatshirts in dome games? I'm sure ESPN will cover that story from every angle on Monday night. Pick: New England

Joe: God, I hate the Patriots. Pick: Minnesota


Bricks Marlin said...

Aaron: W L L L L W W W W L W L L
Joe: L L L W L L W W W W W L L

W=Correct Pick
L=Wrong Pick

I have no idea what scoring method you are using but by my count that means whichever one of you called tomorrow's game correctly comes out ahead for the week, right? So it's a dead heat in that sense? This is exciting. How did you guys manage such a cliffhanger? I mean seriously, what are the odds? You guys either rock or you are both just equally bad at picking teams. Joking! I'd probably have gotten maybe 1 right out of all 14.

jessica said...

Oh Joe. If you supported the clearly superior NCAA (crissakes, the State University of NEW JERSEY is undefeated -- how's that for a shocker?), you could've been loving on Drew Brees's birthmark way back when he was at Purdue. And threw fewer interceptions. Too bad about the pick.

Another good thing about CFB? Everything. Miami brawls (especially) included.

Joe R. said...

Week 5 results:

Joe: 6-8
Aaron: 7-7


Season to date:

Joe: 57-31 (.648)
Aaron: 58-43 (.574)

Also: I was totally loving on Brees at Purdue, even though I don't believe he ever did beat Notre Dame like I wanted him to. It's not that I don't watch college football. It's that I'm fortunate enough to live in a city with a team in the clearly superior in every way NFL. So that's where the loyalty lies.

jessica said...

With Brees as QB, Purdue beat the Irish 28-23 in '99.

To be fair, I'd probably prefer the NFL too if I lived in Buffalo. And considering those SUNY Buffalo Bulls, Army and the 'Cuse (combined '06 record to date of 7-19) are the only 1-A teams in the state, it's a wonder I love CFB as much as I do.