Sunday, October 08, 2006

Smooth Joe Appollo's NFL Picks: Week 5

Week 4 results:

Joe: 7-7
Aaron: 11-3

Season to date:

Joe: 38-22
Aaron: 34-26

Buffalo at Chicago
Aaron: I trust everyone saw what the Bears did to an actual NFL team last week? That's right, Bills...after coming through for me last week, I'm dumping you for the football equivalent of the leggy blonde secretary. (Sorry, Mathan) Pick: Chicago

Joe: Yeah, I may be feeling better about my boys, but Chicago is looking scary. I'm just hoping for no injuries for the Bills, frankly. This could get ugly and quick. Pick: Chicago

Cleveland at Carolina
Aaron: The Browns had to fight like hell to beat a miserable Raiders squad last week and Carolina still has a pulse. Weren't the Panthers supposed to win the Super Bowl back in August? Pick: Carolina

Joe: Every game is close for the Browns, or so it seems. Unless Carolina's offense really has gotten back on track, this could be a far tougher game than maybe they're expecting. Pick: Carolina

Detroit at Minnesota
Aaron: Since Minnesota's local baseball team has nothing to do on Sunday, they should swing by the Dome and say 'hi'. And, someone tell Brad Johnson not to trip over Torii Hunter if he's forced out of the pocket. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Aw, look at 'im. Making baseball boasts in October. He hasn't had much practice, you guys, so let's give him some room. Pick: Detroit

Miami at New England
Aaron: Nice. The Pats have Miami, Buffalo and Minnesota with a bye thrown in over the next four weeks. This schedule is all that's keeping Bill Simmons alive, y'know. Pick: New England

Joe: That schedule, plus the taxing mental gymnastics of watching Lost, apparently. Looks like Laurence Maroney is Massachusettes's next David Ortiz. He'd better start working on whining for the MVP award now, I'd say. Pick: New England

St. Louis at Green Bay
Aaron: Brett Favre's about due for one of those ridiculous 30-49, 399 yard, 5 TD games that fools the press into thinking he's "back". And, yes, I am playing against him this week in fantasy football. It's like he knows. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: The funny thing is he could actually go for 399 yards and 5 TDs and still lose. Godwilling. Pick: St. Louis

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Aaron: Is Bruce Gradkowski really Tampa's QB now? With a name like that he should be wearing short-sleeved dress shirts, clip on ties and washed-too-many-times Dockers that were once black, but are now gray-black. Oh, go rent "Falling Down", you'll get it then. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Underrated candidate for "funniest line in a sports article" this year: "[Chris Simms] took several hard hits during the game. It's not clear which one ruptured his spleen." Take a bow, Buccaneers offensive line. Still? They probably have to win sometime, right? Not this week. Pick: New Orleans

Tennessee at Indianapolis
Aaron: Last I checked, the Colts were favored by as many as 20 points vs. the Titans. That alone should get the Titans kicked out of the league. Ditto for the Colts if they can't cover. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I keep getting weird feelings about this year's Colts. They keep winning, but there's no oomph behind most of those wins. If they can't manage to score six TDs at home against the Titans, I'd start becoming concerned. Pick: Indianapolis

Washington at N.Y. Giants
Aaron: Might as well throw in an upset special. NYG has all the makings of a team that is ripe for collapse: dissension, insubordination...OK, that's all I can think of. But, isn't that enough? Pick: Washington

Joe: I'm not sure after last week if Washington beating the Giants would be an upset, so I will also pick the upset special. Pick: NY Giants

Kansas City at Arizona
Aaron: Is there anything funnier than 'Zona fans making demands on who should QB this team? The Cards played in front of 30% stadium capacity for 20 years, until their new dome opened last month. I say bring back Jake Plummer just to spite 'em. Pick: Arizona

Joe: I vote for Neil Lomax, but sure. I'm other news, for a team that just won by a 41-0 margin, nobody seems to like these guys at all. Take away the winning part and they'd be Alex Rodriguez. Kill me. Pick: Kansas City

N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville
Aaron: OK, it's been four years. I don't think that swelling in Byron Leftwich's face is ever going down. I just hope that whoever hit him with that cinder block burns in hell. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: When did it all of a sudden become okay to hyphenate your own name? Maurice Jones-Drew for the Jags is doing it. So is London Fletcher-Baker of the Bills. Is this the natural extension of the first-initial-plus-first-syllable-of-last-name thing? Are they the most liberated feminists of all time? The mystery goes on... Pick: Jacksonville

Oakland at San Francisco
Aaron: I've gotta do it. Just once. Pick: Oakland

Joe: Godspeed, you brave little toaster. Pick: San Francisco

Dallas at Philadelphia
Aaron: The only thing worse than the hours n' hours of coverage that this meaningless mid-season game has already accrued is the fact that it'll be even worse when they meet later this season in Dallas. Especially, since...Pick: Dallas

Joe: Oh come on -- there were news reports about whether Donovan McNabb did or did not text message T.O. after he tried to kill himself mistook painkillers for Reese's Pieces. I'll take that over yet another "platoon running attacks are ruining fantasy football" article. Pick: Philadelphia

Pittsburgh at San Diego
Aaron: Count me as one of those who's enjoying the Roethlisberger struggles this year. Take an average QB in a good system and have *everything* go right from Dec. '05 to Jan. '06 and you've got Big Ben. Pick: San Diego

Joe: I'm enjoying the Roethlisberger schadenfreude more now that those "Fat Head" commercials have invaded my late-night infomercial time slots. Maybe this week Tomlinson can go back to scoring touchdowns. I'd very much like that. Pick: San Diego

Baltimore at Denver
Aaron: Last week, the wife 'n' I were watching the Ravens/Chargers game. She didn't know Steve McNair was now the Baltimore QB. She then asked me what other teams still have Black starting QBs. Do white couples have the same Sunday Q&A or did I just luck out and marry Spike Lee's sister, Joie? Pick: Denver

Joe: I love how one good drive gives McNair the Brett Favre treatment for the week. We were WRONG to count him out! I'm picking this game on the "they gotta lose sometime" theory, which is seldom a good one, but whatever. Pick: Denver


aaron c. said...

Wow. Hard to believe, as we sit here on Monday morning, that I had a worse week than A-Rod, Joe Torre and Big Stein put together.

Hope for Oakland Raiders fans < Hope for New York Knicks fans

Joe R. said...

I'm sorry, but this post is about football? Off-topic!

Joe R. said...

Week 5 results:

Joe: 13-1 (awesome! How much did I win? ...oh.)
Aaron: 9-5

Season to date:

Joe: 51-23
Aaron: 43-31

Michelle said...

Nice picks! I could use your advice on my two awful fantasty teams that are in the toilet, and a third that is fading fast!

Joe R. said...

Thanks! I'm currently starting Marion Barber and Chris Chambers on my fantasy team, so while I'd like to feel your pain, there's only so much one man can take upon himself.