Saturday, September 30, 2006

Smooth Joey Appollo's NFL Picks, Week 4

Week 3 results:

Joe: 6-8
Aaron: 7-7

Season-to-date:

Joe: 31-15
Aaron: 23-23

Arizona at Atlanta
Aaron: Mike Vick was exposed (again) last Monday once the Falcons were down by two TDs and needed their QB to lead them back. At this point, he's Kordell Stewart without the unfounded gay rumors and female genitalia. And, 'Zona QB Kurt Warner is playing worse. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Every year with Arizona. They always seem to suck me in. Well, no more! I'm throwing my support behind...Michael Vick and the Falcons?? Oh, Christ, never mind. Pick: Arizona


Dallas at Tennessee
Aaron: Remember the opening scene of "The Last Boy Scout"? That's pretty much how I thought Terrell Owens' life would end. "Accidental overdose" was, like, 3rd or 4th on the list. Wait...did TO just force me to reference a Bruce Willis/Damon Wayans vehicle? Just one more reason to loathe him. Pick: Dallas

Joe: If TO couldn't work up the will to live with a game against the Titans on the horizon, he must really have been far gone. On a related note, should I be offended that all the TO gay rumors cropped up once he tried to kill himself? On another related note, TO's publicist reminded me of Sherry Palmer. Not only did I not believe anything she said, but I strongly suspect she engineered the overdoese herself and purchased the pills from foreign terrorists. On an unrelated note, Tennessee fuckin' sucks. Pick: Dallas


Indianapolis at N.Y. Jets
Aaron: Say what you want about Peyton Manning's mug all over the media or the team's inability to win in January...their role this week will be to shut up Jets fans who, inexplicably, now think their team is "back". Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: Amen to that, sir. The Jets last week may have been the first team to ever completely fail at running the ball, passing the ball, stopping the run, and stopping the pass and still win. Convincingly. Goddammit. Pick: Indianapolis


Miami at Houston
Aaron: The Mario Williams bashing is reaching a fever pitch and some unlucky reporter is going to say "Reggie Bush" on the wrong day, real soon. Do they let Sean Salisbury into locker rooms? Pick: Miami

Joe: You know what? No. No. Miami is an awful football team who could barely beat Tennessee at home. Houston's awful, but they've managed to score a damn touchdown. Pick: Houston


Minnesota at Buffalo
Aaron: Here in San Diego, we got the last 2 minutes of last week's Bills-Jets game. On their last-gasp possession, Bills QB JP Losman threw three terrible passes, before letting the ball slip from his hands on 4th down. I guess I'll never learn. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I plan to continue my streak of picking against my home team until they make it worth my while not to. Even though I have absolutely no respect for the Vikings whatsoever. Pick: Minnesota


New Orleans at Carolina
Aaron: Last Monday's 'Welcome Back New Orleans' claptrap/predetermined football game was a microcosm of ESPN: Self-serving self-promotion disguised as sanctimonious social relevance. Now, THAT'S alliteration. Pick: Carolina

Joe: Predetermined claptrap or no, I really like this Saints team. Like Brees, like Reggie Bush, like its rich, Bobby Hebert-filled history. Only, could you throw the ball to Joe Horn a bit more, Drew? Please? You're killing me here. Pick: Carolina


San Diego at Baltimore
Aaron: Bet the under. Beyond that, this will be the game that officially turns on the San Diego Super Bowl buzz. Shawne Merriman will make orphans of Steve McNair's children. ("You know they DO have a mother.") Yes, but I imagine she would die of grief. Pick: San Diego

Joe: After succumbing to pressure from pretty much everyone in my life, ever, I've started to watch The Wire, which is set in Baltimore. It's what happens to you when you get killed off in Oz. You get reincarnated on The Wire. And then you start longing for the cushy confines of solitary. Why am I saying this? I dunno. I just wanted be the one to go off on a random tangent for once. Pick: San Diego


San Francisco at Kansas City
Aaron: Shout out to m'man, KC coach Herm Edwards for neutering my #1 fantasy RB, Larry Johnson. I'm told he used an Exacto knife and spoonful of Vaseline. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: You think Joe Montana looks at this game with interest as the battle between his two former teams? Or didn't either team pony up enough cash to make him care? Pick: Kansas City


Detroit at St. Louis
Aaron: I'm starting Lions' QB Jon Kitna in place of Eli Manning (bye) this week. If we all remember the "Cameron Corollary", I think we all know how that will turn out. Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I won't forgive the '06 Rams for ruining last year's fantasy sleeper Kevin Curtis and making me waive him last week. I just will not. Pick: Detroit


Cleveland at Oakland
Aaron: I am actually, seriously worried that the Raiders will not win a game this season. Head coach Art Shell won't notice. Pick: Cleveland

Joe: Picked the Browns last week and they reward me by choking away a lead. I'd totally pick against them if they were playing a football team. Pick: Cleveland


Jacksonville at Washington
Aaron: I'm torn on this one. Washington DC was where seminal '80s sitcom 227 took place, while Jacksonville...umm. Well, that settles that, then. Pick: Washington

Joe: Cam, you forget that Jacksonville was the setting of the seminal '00s comic farce, Bill Simmons bitches about a city that isn't Boston for poorly planned roadways without a hint of irony for a solid week. I know that's what I'm basing my pick on. Pick: Jacksonville


New England at Cincinnati
Aaron: I'm surprisingly getting a lot of enjoyment out of the demise of the Patriots. I mean, not 2005-06 Red Sox-demise kind of pleasure, but still a warm, "I hate all things New England" kind of joy. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: This is why Cam's my friend, y'all. This stuff right here. Pick: Cincinnati


Seattle at Chicago
Aaron: Rex Grossman. I'm picking Rex Grossman's team this week. Maybe if I say it enough, I'll actually believe it. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Hell, I'm starting Rex Grossman for the second straight week in fantasy ball. I'm right there with you. Seattle won a shootout at home last week. Doesn't mean they can't win a defensive struggle on the road. Or...does it? Pick: Seattle


Green Bay at Philadelphia
Aaron: Whoops, I spoke too soon! Watching Brett Favre embark on a 3-13 debacle, while still getting weekly fellatio from the media is actually my favorite ongoing storyline. Who'll be the first to break rank and tell the truth about the aging and ineffective Favre? Peter King? Chris Berman? Al Michaels? Why can't I bet on this? Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Lest you forget the ongoing sagas on the other side of the ball. You could either opt for the "Brian Westbrook gets labeled 'oft-injured' and a liability every week and every week he tops 100 total yards and 2 TDs," or "Donovan McNabb gets asked about TO's mental health and heroically represses multiple fits of giggles." Pick: Philadelphia

1 comment:

Joe R. said...

Week 4 results:

Joe: 7-7
Aaron: 11-3

Season to date:

Joe: 38-22
Aaron: 34-26


...uh-oh.