Saturday, September 23, 2006

Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 3

Last week was a pretty successful one for Aaron and I, though an unbelievable Giants comeback and a sage call on the Niners game (if you'll allow me to A-Rod my way into a self-compliment) gave me the edge. This week, a lot of road favorites and a lot of ugly-looking games litter the schedule. And no making fun of the Raiders, as they've got a bye week during which they will debate whether Kelly Stouffer or Andre Ware would make a better starting QB.

Week 2 results:

Joe - 12-4
Aaron - 10-6


Joe - 25-7
Aaron - 16-16

Carolina at Tampa Bay
Aaron: How many more embarassing losses can Bucs QB Chris Simms endure before his Hall of Fame father, Phil, throws him out of the family? (With a perfect spiral, no less.) Pick: Carolina

Joe: Phil's too busy becoming ever-more-irritating as a color commentator. He's no Bob Trumpy yet, but he's approaching Brent Jones territory. Pick: Carolina

Chicago at Minnesota
Aaron: When did Bears QB Rex Grossman become the second coming of Jim Kelly? And, I don't mean the Black guy who played 'Black Belt Jones' back in '73. Although, they're both kicking equal amounts of day player ass. Uh oh, Vikings! Pick: Chicago

Joe: Rex is gonna have to win a lot more games and become a lot more philandering to approach Jim Kelly. Once again, the Vikings look awful and are winning. I worry about their home field advantage here, though. Still. Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Aaron: When a professional sports team wins a championship, the cycle goes like this: Non-fans of the team are happy for the notable players who finally won "the big one" (former PIT RB Jerome Bettis). Then, we become sick of the team as ESPN beats us over the head with the hype stick and films it all with that blurry-soft focus camera that 20/20 uses to make Diane Sawyer look under 100. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: So if the Yankees win the World Series this year, everyone's gonna be happy for A-Rod for finally winning "the big one"? Sweet! I actually love the Bengals in this game, but I hate picking so many road teams so far. Pick: Pittsburgh

Green Bay at Detroit
Aaron: Here's how far Packers QB Brett Favre has fallen: SI's Peter King is picking against him this week. For you non-football fans, that's like Joe Reid declaring aloud, "Maybe I've been too hard on Tom Cruise." Pick: Detroit

Joe: If I say Brett Favre's eventual 2-14 career-ending season is going to be pathetic to witness, do you think James Brown is gonna break in from the CBS game center in New York and chastise me for being too eager to bury Favre's career? Even if I promise to say ten "Hail Lambeaus" before I go to bed? Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Aaron: According to my calendar, we're at least 3 1/2, maybe 4 months away from the Colts losing a game that everyone thinks they'll win. Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: It's LaDanian Tomlinson's week off, so my fantasy football team is depending on a backfield of Jacksonville's Fred Taylor and Indy's Joseph Addai. Good thing Peyton Manning is known for running a good ground game. Pick: Indianapolis

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo
Aaron: Look who finally gets a home game! And with only three more weeks of of upstate New York's "summer/fall" season, before eight months of winter kicks in. Lousy "Smarch" weather. [Editor's note: In all the time I've known him, Cam has made that very joke 13,482 times. That's what I call dedication.] Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Make no mistake, last week's win was 80% Miami being a sucky team and 20% Buffalo having a good defense. I'm optimistic, sure, but I'm not sold yet. And I'd rather take a hit here and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around. Pick: NY Jets

Tennessee at Miami
Aaron: The Titans take advantage of the Raiders' bye and assume the mantle of "most unwatchably awful team" this week. Do us proud, guys. Pick: Miami

Joe: If this is the CBS game in your market, I'd seriously consider watching one of those Victoria Principal infomercials that get run as counterprogramming on the NBC affiliates. Pick: Miami

Washington at Houston
Aaron: Saturday morning, I watched that "gambling experts" show that airs on USA Network (and features several angry Italians yelling at the camera). One of 'em said the Texans "might win outright". I'm pretty sure it was Joe Pesci. Pick: Houston

Joe: Dammit, Aaron. This was where I was gonna put some distance between you and I this week. Pick: Houston

Baltimore at Cleveland
Aaron: I'm told that "highlights" of this game will be shown all hell. I bet Mrs. Arthur, my late sixth-grade english teacher, is wishing she hadn't left me off the Academics Olympics team, now! True story. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: "Mrs. Athur"? Is that where your life-long fear of Dorothy Zbornak comes from? Baltimore has beaten the hell out of two of the worst teams in football the first two weeks. Cleveland is bad, but they're not '"Okaland/Tampa" bad. Upset special. Pick: Cleveland

N.Y. Giants at Seattle
Aaron: The Eli Manning-to-Amani Toomer connection helped me win my fantasy league this week, but cost me a win vs. Smokin' Joe Reid. This phenomenon is called the "prognosticator's conundrum". If it had subtitles, Reid might have previewed it for his 100,000-word fall movie feature. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: According to ESPN's Bill Simmons, Eli Manning is not, despite ample evidence to the contrary, a clutch QB who is dangerous as hell in a 2-minute drill. He's just lucky. You know, just like David Ortiz. Pick: NY Giants

Philadelphia at San Francisco
Aaron: The more that Donovan McNabb wins, the more of those damn Campbell's Chunky Soup commericals get made. Think of all that sodium, McNabb. You and your mom are killing this country! Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: The halftime show will consist of both teams' front offices meeting at the 50 yard line and talking shit about Terrell Owens. In other news, Frank Gore is making me really like the Niners as a dangerous team at home. Pick: San Francisco

St. Louis at Arizona
Aaron: Anyone know if Cards QB Kurt Warner and his little boy-wife are still married? She's the reason why all pro athletes should only marry unblemished former strippers named "Desire", "Cinnamon" or "Anna Benson". Pick: Arizona

Joe: I like your train of thought, Cam. Mostly because it makes me envision Kurt and Brenda Warner inviting Matt Leinart and Paris Hilton over for dinner as the walls start to bleed from holy/heathen contrast. Pick: Arizona

Denver at New England
Aaron: Set your DVRs (and for Joe, your VCR). It's NBC's first Sunday Night "Tom Brady Can Have my Baby" love-in. Past Super Bowl highlights, shots of his "loving" parents and "beautiful" girlfriend in the stands and, if we're lucky, a mention that Brady was once a sixth-round draft pick. Come on calendar! Hurry up and be Sunday night, already! Pick: New England

Joe: I'm trying to remember when Tom Brady went from "likeable underdog" to "insufferable Boston man-god." I think it was the first time he went for the "we don't get any respect" gambit. Pick: New England

Atlanta at New Orleans
Aaron: Did I read that U2 and Green Day are performing at the Superdome to celebrate the Saints return to New Orleans? Did no one run this by bayou rappers Lil' Wayne, Mannie Fresh and The Cash Money Millionaires? Someone's getting stabbed for this. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: I'm really starting to dislike this whole "Monday night as an afterthought" thing. I mean, I've gotta watch Studio 60, so it will usually help me out, but this week I've got Brees and Horn in fantasy ball. My concentration will be divided! Pick: New Orleans


joriii said...

You and Aaron need to get off the Seattle hate wagon!! They will be the returning NFC champs in the Super Bowl this year.

Joe R. said...

They certainly will if they remember to play defense in the second half.

Joe R. said...

Week 3 results:

Joe: 6-8
Aaron: 7-7


Joe: 31-15
Aaron: 23-23

Neither one of us covering ourselves in glory, certainly. But I suppose strictly speaking, Aaron's begun his "comeback."