Sunday, September 17, 2006

Smooth Joey Apollo's NFL Picks: Week 2

I think we can all consider last week a raging success for the NFL picks. 13-3! We haven't seen numbers that good in Buffalo since Bill Clinton was running for President. As for Aaron, well, we should probably cut him some slack. He's spent all week trying to figure out how to poison Al Davis in his sleep. 6-10 doesn't seem so bad in that light.

On to the picks!

Buffalo at Miami
Aaron: I'm convinced that Daunte Culpepper and head coach Nick Saban threw the opener against Pittsburgh. 200 viewings of Shaq and Nick Nolte in "Blue Chips" taught me how to find when the fix is in. Sadly, no one can find Anfernee 'Penny' Hardaway. Pick: Miami

Joe: I'm not sure whether to be happy to learn that the Bills will at least be competitive in the games they lose or depressed that I'll have my heart ripped out of my chest each and every week. Eh. At least Culpepper ain't on my fantasy team anymore. Pick: Miami

Carolina at Minnesota
Aaron: Well, the Panthers looked horrible against a mediocre Falcons team, while the Vikes won their opener. Is it too late for Carolina to re-sign imprisoned WR Rae Carruth and have him kill Minnesota QB Brad Johnson? Let's hope not.
Pick: Carolina

Joe: Wow. Making the "felonious players" joke and not opting for a Vikings sex boat joke. That's dedication to the craft, Cameron. I like it. Pick: Carolina

Cleveland at Cincinnati
Aaron: For you non-football fans, the last time Cincinnati was *this* good was back in the late '80s. A young Joe Reid's grassroots six-year letter writing campaign to return Sarah Jessica Parker's sitcom "Square Pegs" back to prime time had ended, much to his awkward teen dismay. (He'd be appeased years later when the show was brought back as "Freaks and Geeks".)
Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: I think it's awfully big of me to have forgiven the Bengals for beating the Bills in the 1988 AFC championship game. And to have forgiven Sarah Jessica for growing from a sweet little nerd into a horse-faced fornicator. Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit at Chicago
Aaron: Can anyone explain that new Nike ad campaign where Brian Urlacher and other NFL stars play as a high school team coached by 106-year-old hobbit, Don Shula?
Pick: Chicago

Joe: 106 is actually fairly young and spry for a hobbit. Except in Shula's case. That man looked elderly as a teenager. God, I hate that man. What were we talking about? Pick: Chicago

Houston at Indianapolis
Aaron: After last Sunday night's Indy v. NYG game, I think I speak for America when I say "get all these Mannings off my goddam TV, please". Houston...go for his knees.
Pick: Indianapolis

Joe: I can deal with most of the Manning content, just not the one where he's sporting the Dirty Sanchez mustache. Pick: Indianapolis

New Orleans at Green Bay
Aaron: I'm seven games down after just one week of pickin'. And, that's *after* picking correctly against Brett Farve. Well, let's rectify that wisdom quick, fast and in a hurry!
Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Aaron and I keep picking the same teams! That needs to change. And what better time to do so than when he picks the worst team in the league? Err...second-worst team. Sorry, Cam. Pick: New Orleans

NY Giants at Philadelphia
Aaron: Wow. New York/New Jersey fans vs. Philly fans. When the men are all dead at 44 from simultaneous massive coronaries ("you can't eat bacon at every meal") who'll be left to herd their women?
Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Oh, go back to Whole Foods and chew on a root vegetable, San Diego. Pick: NY Giants

Oakland at Baltimore
Aaron: Last week, the Raiders lost, 27-0. Last week, the Ravens won, 27-0. Just a hunch, but I think Baltimore will cover the spread here.
Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Jerry Porter might not want to pay attention to this one either. Pick: Baltimore

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Aaron: Bucs head coach Jon Gruden looks about 5'1", with freckles and a most non-threatening aura. Remind anyone else of a late-teens Ricky Schroeder towards the end of his "Silver Spoons" run? I wouldn't bet against him, either.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: It's good to see Michael Vick has sufficiently lowered expectations for himself that one good game is cause for celebration. Only took, what, five years? Pick: Atlanta

Arizona at Seattle
Aaron: The Seahawks contributed to one of my MANY heartbreaking down-to-wire losses last week with a last second game-winning FG. This week, I'm picking them, which means 'Zona QB Matt Leinart will come off the bench and throw 8 TDs, while impregnating two visiting cheerleaders.
Pick: Seattle

Joe: Sorry, Cam. I already made the Leinart paternity joke last week. Feel free to try again with a crack about how many STDs he's picked up from Paris Hilton. Pick: Arizona (upset special!)

St. Louis at San Francisco
Aaron: The Rams actually have players named "Oshiomogho", "La'Roi" and "Jerametrius" on their roster. Can I be the only one who'd kill to see Joe choose one of these names for his first born son?
Pick: St. Louis

Joe: Nice try, Cam. I slept in on this fine Sunday morning. I'd rather things stay that way. No first-borns for me. Pick: San Francisco (upset special #2!)

Kansas City at Denver
Aaron: Just a quick shout out to ESPN for showing Chiefs QB Trent Green's head bouncing off the turf from 800 different angles last weekend. They say he'll only miss two weeks, which, if he were a TV show, would mean he's "on hiatus for re-tooling". And just as likely to ever return.
Pick: Denver

Joe: Hey, wasn't this Larry Johnson guy supposed to be this statistical bonanza? From this angle, I'm wondering if Chiefs fans are still longing for the glory days of Christian Okoye. Lord knows I am. Pick: Denver

New England at NY Jets
Aaron: Tom Brady goes off, while SI's Peter King and ESPN's Bill Simmons experience the serendipity of simultaneous orgasm.
Pick: New England

Joe: After seeing the size and shape of Simmons's head on The Colbert Report, I'm just happy the guy will get to experience an orgasm of any kind. I never thought anyone would be able to wrest the Hey, Arnold Football Head mantle away from Frankie Muniz, but here we are. Pick: New England

Tennessee at San Diego
Aaron: As a Raider fan living in San Diego, the past six days have felt like high school all over again. Clueless, beautiful people mocking and teasing me. Except this time, it's for my football team and not my faded, washed-too-many-times "Don't Worry, Be Happy" t-shirt
Pick: San Diego

Joe: Man, no wonder you eventually ran to Snoop to recover your musical cred. I'm almost ready to start pimping Phillip Rivers as the next superstar QB. Almost. Pick: San Diego

Washington at Dallas
Aaron: Cowboys QB Drew Bledsoe is another one who single-handedly cost me a win last week. My list of NFL enemies is getting to be "Nixon-esque", but I've gotta have at least one game where I go against every fiber in my being and pick the team I KNOW is going to lose.
Pick: Dallas

Joe: Welcome to the "hearts broken by Drew Bledsoe" club. We now have a population larger than several Caribbean islands. Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
Aaron: I'd like to point out that starting at 10:15PM on September 11, I'm undefeated in my Monday night picks.
Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: That's some good hair-splitting, my friend. Some very good hair-splitting. I'm gonna ride Fast Willie Parker as far as he'll take me. Oh, and speaking of the Monday night game, count me among the thousands who vastly preferred Dick Vermeil in the announcing booth to almost any other color man in the business. How does Joe Theisman sleep at night? With horrible nightmares of Lawrence Taylor, no doubt. Pick: Pittsburgh


Sticky Keys said...

Two For the Money ends tomorrow on HBO On Demand. You know you want to see it. Again.

I'm so much more into college football coughBIG XII! GO HUSKERS!cough, but 13-3 is some pretty good picking Joe!

Always good to know you have a fallback plan.

jessica said...

I'll be interested to see how Nebraska bounces back from its loss to the Trojans. Funniest Gameday poster on Saturday by far: "Who needs Bush when you've got Booty?"

I'm all about prurient humor, me.

Oh, and the NFL stuff is interesting too. Buffalo ... won. Sacked Culpepper like 7 or 8 times. How you like them apples?

Joe R. said...

Week 3 results:

Joe - 12-4
Aaron - 10-6


Joe - 25-7
Aaron - 16-16

bitter bitter aaron said...

"Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won."

"Their cheating was even more rampant than last year, sir."

Nice. Philly blows a gigantic lead, Green Bay blows a less gigantic lead and Joe hits on his SF upset special. Even worse, there appears to be a Buffalo Bills Bandwagon a'brewin'.

God *must* be a chain-smoking Buffaloan with a love for sanctimonious independent movies and curly fries.

Joe R. said...

Take heart, Cam. Looks like the As are gonna avoid the Yankees in the divisional round.