Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Shut Up, Tom Wolfe, Part XXVII

A few weeks ago, I was wasting time at work, waiting to close up shop, and I came across a hardcover copy of Tom Wolfe's Hooking Up. I'm not a huge Tom Wolfe fan, but he's notable enough that I was curious to see what this book was about. Not to ruin the suspense for you, but I didn't read the book. It seems, however, that it's about one of Wolfe's favorite subjects: kids today and how they ain't what they used to be. Here's how the inside cover flap started off:

"Only yesterday boys and girls spoke of embracing and kissing (necking) as getting to first base. Second base was deep kissing, plus groping and fondling this and that. Third base was oral sex. Home plate was going all the way. That was yesterday. Here in the year 2000 we can forget about necking. Today's girls and boys have never heard of anything that dainty. Today's first base is deep kissing, now known as tonsil hockey, plus groping and fondling this and that. Second base is oral sex. Third base is going all the way. Home plate is learning each other's names."


Not to be confused with "rim-job," which, as Tom Wolfe will gladly tell you, is referred today as "batting practice." The man just drives me crazy, no more so than when he's tut-tutting about how kids today are such fucking sluts, all the while salivating over every detail. Welcome to the experience of reading I Am Charlotte Simmons. Also, way to make the four bases sex analogy seem even more outdated and lame. But that's just more of the classic Wolfe pose as the bemused outsider, as insincere an approach to his "new journalism" as I can imagine.

For what seems like the billionth time, Shut up Tom Wolfe! Take your "tonsil hockey" to someone who cares.


Tara said...

First of all, word, but second, is there really a difference between "necking" and "deep kissing"? I always thought they were the same thing, maybe because I'm old and not as slutty as the kids today.

wolfchick said...

I saw him on The Daily Show (wearing a ridiculously Colonel Sanders-esque seersucker suit) right around the time Charlotte Simmons came out and he played up that bemused thing to an absurd degree, detailing how he was privy to some girls' "sex diaries" in the course of his research and how he was fascinated by the designations of "V", "O" and "A" -- only he never did figure out what the "A" meant. Fool, please.

mathan said...

Clearly I've been celibate too long; just the mention of "V", "O" and "A" has my full undivided attention.

Eh, it could be worse; instead of reading comments on a blog I could be watching Sesame Street.

Carrie Ann said...

I totally thought third base meant grabbing and fondling, maybe a hand job, but not oral sex. And at 25, I'm probably considered "one of these kids today." The moral here is that Tom Wolfe expected way too much of his dates as a young man.

Kamikaze Camel said...

"now known as tonsil hockey"

I've never heard anyone call it that, except perhaps old out-of-touch idiots who think kids today are sex fiends. Of coarse nobody was doing things they shouldn't have been doing back in his day.

pfft. I don't even know who this guy is and I hate him already.

Kamikaze Camel said...

btw, glad you liked The Safety of Objects - I was surprised with that one too.

LK said...

No seriously, no one else learned this as the Four F's? French, Feel, Finger, Fuck? That's been the bases for a while now. (oh, and for the technical, oral is called "sliding into home"). At least this is true in my part of the world.