Hello! How are all of you today? Things are going pretty well here at Low Res Central. We got a big ol' tech upgrade this week with the DVR and laptop revolutions finally overtaking us. We've got a couple really fun weddings on the schedule the next couple of weekends. We're having far too much fun employing the royal "we" like we have been. And oh my God, don't even get us started on the fact that we have MTV Hits now. I swear, that channel reads my damn mind almost as well as iTunes.
That's not to say that things couldn't be better. In fact, quite a few things in our life have been showing a frustrating refusal to get on the stick already. To wit...
Get it together, blogs! I'm not reading you for my health, you know. I get paid for this shit, and when you're making it easy for me and generally coalescing about the same half-dozen or so topics and not sniffing each other's asses for meta commentary and not, oh I don't know, crashing due to the staggering drawing power of the Lieberman-Lamont primary, then we're cool. Today? We're not cool. Come on, guys. Gawker's been able to make it happen today: pithy, topical, funny as hell. Hop to it, y'all.
Get it together, DVD player! Or better yet, don't bother, because you've already been replaced. Don't come crying to me, though. I'm not the one who completely and utterly died after barely a year of service, causing me to have to break out the needle-nose pliers in order to liberate Netflix's copy of A Streetcar Named goddamn Desire. There a new kid in town now, and his name is Sony and he's got a VCR deck, too. Suck on that, Memorex!
Get it together, Time Warner! This is no way to get off on the right foot. You've been my cable provider for less than a week now and already you've yanked NFL Network (there are going to be real live games broadcast this season, fools!), told my dad that he can't partake of HBO anymore unless he upgrades to digital, told me that IFC and Sundance aren't part of my own digital package, charged me sixty bones for installation when I was told it would be free, and are dragging serious ass getting my HBO On Demand set up. It's not like y'all have been heralded by the greatest word of mouth, you know. Don't make me start pining for the halcyon days of the Rigases and Adelphia.
Get it together, August! You are totally the worst month of the year and you damn well know it. You seem to relish in how friggin' unbearable your weather is. The "dog days of summer"? More like the sweaty nutsack days of summer. Also? No major holidays. Way to be the only month without a major holiday. Not like anyone would be happy having to shlep over to Grandma and Grandpa's for a family get-together or anything, but...Central Air's Day? Swimsgiving? Something? Not even the fact that my birthday is in August can save it. Oh yeah, my birthday is in two weeks. Yay! Last year, I made an all-too-coy attempt to sneak a link to my Amazon Wish List into a blog post about my birthday. I won't do that this year. If anyone wants to get me something for my birthday, they can do so (or not) of their own volition.
Get it together, trailer for The Guardian! I'm totally cool with you being a cheesy, plot-by-numbers popcorn flick about the wizened old military type (played by Kevin Costner) who is initially really hard on the brash new recruit (played by Ashton Kutcher), but eventually takes him under his wing and imparts his many years of wisdom before an unforeseen disaster puts them both to the test. I'm even pretty happy to see Costner easing into this stage of his career, as opposed to taking the Sean Connery/Harrison Ford pathetic-bid-for-eternal-youth route. My problem is the use of that Snow Patrol song that I really like towards the end of the clip. I should not be getting goosebumps while watching a trailer for a damn Ashton Kutcher movie, and especially not when the song does all the heavy lifting. Not to mention the fact that HBO already used "Run" to advertise that Empire Falls movie, where it was a much better fit. And that's not even getting into the tidal wave on loan from The Perfect Storm at the end there.
Get it together, Chien-Ming Wang! You've been doing so well. Why are you, as I type this, looking so very shaky against the White Sox? On the bright side, I am really digging this year's Yankee team. I don't know, maybe it's that with all the injuries forcing the role players to shine through, I'm getting reminded of those late '90s teams (who, let's not forget, were generally populated by as many Chad Curtises as Derek Jeters). I kind of dig the fact that, with Melky Cabrera and Andy Phillips in play -- not to mention the entire sporting world taking a collective shit on Alex Rodriguez this season -- it's about as close a Yankee fan can get to rooting for an underdog. Then again, that awesome acquisition of Bobby Abreu also has me happy my team's owner has deep pockets and ain't afraid to use 'em.
Get it together, Joe R! It's been over a week since you wrote anything of substance for your blog. Wasn't the fact that you quit one of your jobs going to free you up for more things like blogging? What's the deal? Is this any way to treat the Damn Hell Ass Kings? And where the bloody hell are the quarterfinals of the Actress Rumble, anyway? I can't believe I used to think you were cool.