Thursday, June 22, 2006

Time to Plug Julie Chen In

Big Brother All-Stars, y'all. It begins. (Aside to John: TWoP's recapping it after all! I won't be, but Miss Alli's run this gauntlet before, so you'll be in good hands.) But anyway, CBS has announced the final twenty from which the eventual 12 "houseguests" will be chosen. America gets to vote for six of them. Then CBS gets to choose the six good ones.

Here's how this whole thing should shake out, ideally. As always, the American voting public could fuck it all up as they're so good at doing, but I have a feeling it'll end up being pretty close to this:

Alison - Producer's choice, no doubt, as even the people who want her back (me) pretty much hated her. But she's as close to a lock for this show as you can get. Absolutely ruthless, heartless, not entirely brainless, but dumb enough to hop alliances every week. And, say what you will about her, she cares more about playing the game than getting her ass a walk-on role on The Young and the Restless.

Dana - If you have Alison, you have to have Dana, right? In my opinion, yes, you do. She's probably the iffiest of the producers' choices on my list, but in my experience, any BB season can only be enhanced by the presence of the utterly insane, and season 2's Nicole didn't re-enlist. This lady's fueled by pure rage. She might just rip Jase's testicles clean off.

Danielle - My favorite player of all time. She's a mortal lock, most likely as a producer's choice. If she and Alison ever teamed up I might just pass out from the vapors.

Howie - I have a feeling that the public voting is going to skew heavily towards the season sixers, so I think he's in. He annoys me as much as he entertains me, if not more so, and he was dumb enough to turn on James when he didn't have to, but at the very least a placement among the true All-Stars might end up knocking him down a peg or three.

James - Oh, James. It's wrong of me to love a Republican so much, but I just adore him. This may be more wishful thinking than anything else, thinking he'll place, but somebody has to counter-balance the Kaysar/Howie/Janelle alliance. ...Right?

Janelle - Mortal lock for America's Choice, so I'm totally not worried. I think we all remember where we were when "Bye-bye, bitches!" hit the airwaves. I have a feeling she might not be as likeable when not opposed to the truly vile like Maggie and April, but I do tend to enjoy how this whole show is half a joke to her anyway.

Jase - Ah, fuck. Best start getting used to the fact that the producers will put him in the house. Every season needs someone you'd be willing to crawl through the television to punch in the face, and that will forever be Jase. I somewhat fear what may happen to the universe if Jase and Will come face-to-face on national television. Chilltown 2: The Chillening?

Kaysar - Maybe an even bigger lock than Janelle. Will he finally learn how this game works on his third try? What's the over-under on diary room whining about Will? Will his head explode once he sees the way Alison plays the game? I have to say I'm sort of interested.

Marcellas - He's going to straight after my dear Danielle, so he's got to be my enemy. But I do have to admit he gets a good line or two in those diary room sessions.

Monica - I personally didn't like her, but I'm hoping she gets America's Vote if only to keep some of the other borderlines off the show. Seriously, America, if you fuckers vote in Bunky or Cowboy, I'm gonna have to cut some bitches.

Nakomis - She's a good person at heart, and those are pretty rare in this game. She can get her head caught up her ass at times with honor and honesty and such, but she knows when and how to be all schemey, and she hates Jase like I do. I think she'll get America's vote.

Will - The evil doctor. Without this man -- well, half-man, half-amazing, if you recall (I'm not inclined to disagree) -- Big Brother isn't here today. Mortal lock, probably an America's Choice, guaranteed to make this show a ton of fun until everyone gets smart enough to vote him out.

Like I said before, if anyone fucks this lineup up, it'd be America voting for Bunky or Cowboy. Or the producers kicking Mike Boogie or Chicken George (ugh) into the house. Also, not that they were my favorites, but I'm almost interested in seeing Diane or Ivette making it into the house against all odds. With this show, the more dysfunctional, the better. Why not just let all twenty in and kick them out two by two? Fuck, I don't care. My show's back.


Sars said...

As long as Marcellas doesn't start drunk-dialing TWoP staff at 2 AM again, he can do whatever he wants.

John G said...

Amen our fucking show is back. (And OH yeah, I'm tickled shitless that TWoP is recapping. I still think you'd be the ideal one to take it on, but I loves me some Miss Alli so it's all good.) Yep, largely agree with just about all your picks. Chicken George was all they could get from BB1? Sigh. Then again, everybody else from BB1 was boring so I guess he WAS the best they could do. The producers will stick his schticky ass in, I have not doubt. I tasted a little sick when they flashed Cowpuke as one of the contenders. Surely that one will not make it. (That means you, America.) I would never vote him in, but I don't revile Bucky as much as you. Or at least I didn't then...supporting my people on TV and all, even when they're (literally) snotty 95% of the time. And excuse me while I swoon at the thought of yummy Dr. Will. During that season, I hated him immensely (mainly because of his association with those tools Boogie and...what was that wretched girl's name who used to wallow all over Will and did the toothbrush thing? Blissfully blocked out) but AT LAST realized his brilliance and fell madly in love.
Heh, I love this you said about Janelle:
"I think we all remember where we were when 'Bye-bye, bitches!' hit the airwaves."
Best BB moment ever. DAAAMMN, I can't wait.

Anonymous said...

I am reading your recap for the second last episode of Veronica Mars and finding it quite enjoyable. I was looking at the TWoP staff page and found your website. It is exciting to me that someone from Buffalo writes for TWoP - one of my favorite websites. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I enjoy your recap.

~ Betsy

Joe R. said...

Sarah: You're telling me that story at some point.

John: I know!

Betsy: Thank you!