Sunday, June 04, 2006

Mug It Out, Bitch

Is this cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly not the most unflattering cover photo in recent memory? What drunk and/or unconscious publicists approved this? When Jerry Ferrara is the best looking one out of the Entourage cast? Something's gone terribly wrong. Take a tour with me, will you?

Adrian Grenier, bottom left. Let's start with the obvious: the utter, blood-chilling fear in his eyes, due to Piven grasping his arm so tightly. How anyone who's been on Entourage for going on three seasons now can express such high levels of gay panic -- like, hello, the whole series is one big "bro's before ho's, let's watch each other jerk off" pitch meeting -- is beyond me. However, I will allow the possibility that the fear is stemming from his massive helmet of hair crushing down on his brain, causing his fight-or-flight responses to go haywire.

Kevin Connolly, bottom center. The easy excuse would be a recent Botoxing, and I'm not ruling that out. But I'm thinking he may have also had Julia Roberts's upper lip grafted onto his. He looks like he's retreated to his happy place, though. Free of whatever gay weirdness is going on between Grenier and Piven at this moment. He's thinking of Nicky Hilton and how many cool and expensive things she's gonna buy him when this is all over.

Jeremy Piven, bottom right. The cock-eyed grin always worries me. Makes me think you know more than you're letting on. Coupled with the evil eyebrow action going on? And the death grip he's got on Grenier's arm? Maybe he's just freaked out about how he clearly stole Taylor Hicks's purple velvet jacket from the American Idol finale, and maybe the authorities are closing in on him. Or maybe he's wondering how much longer he can get away with trolling for pussy in L.A. with these guys ten years his junior. And Kevin Dillon.

Kevin Dillon, top right. I'm not going to make fun of him like I normally would, because he's clearly suffered a stroke, and I don't want to kick him while he's down. Get better soon, Kevin!

Jerry Ferrara, top left. Like I said, compared to the rest of his drugged-up, botoxed, emotionally unstable cast mates, Jerry compares pretty favorably. He's still got that look on his face, like he sees boobies somewhere behind the camera. Even if they're only in his imagination. Perhaps he decided to stay in character for the shoot? Wait...what am I saying? Turtle isn't a real character. Never mind.

Anyway, not like I was going to be watching Entourage this summer anyway, but if I was, this cover might have just scared me straight. On the bright side, maybe this photo was allowed to run because the HBO folks were too busy working on Big Love's Emmy campaign. One can hope.


mathan said...

Joe you are on fire!

Sure you laxed on blogging for a minute, but this past week has been uber worth the wait.

Your breakdown of the cover is spot on. Piven has never looked more creepy. Grenier's hair is overwhelming. Connolly does look like he's retreated into his mind. I disagree with your take on Dillon; I'm saying it's a case of Bell's Palsy. Any not only does Ferrara look the most normal, but he's clearly the best actor as I'm trying to figure out what he's looking at that has him so happy.

But then again he might just be counting his Easy Mac ducats in his head.

Keep up the good work Joe, and I've never been more earnest in saying that.

Sticky Keys said...

I'm having to let my subscription run out (hurts to the bone man, first US Weekly and now this) so this issue was covered in bright red paper begging me to re-subscribe. I opened the bright redness to see that hot mess on the cover and almost didn't regret letting them go.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I like boys. I like boys the way Jacob likes girls. It's deep and personal and real. But that mess is pathetic and sad.