So, okay, I saw the trailer for the new M. Night Shyamalan disappointment-to-be, Lady in the Water, last week before the Harry Potter movie. It was the most preliminary of trailers -- the movie isn't due to open until summer '06 -- but it certainly left an impression. To put it plainly, it's quite possibly the single most self-satisfied, self-conscious piece of promotion since the Cinderella Man clip groomed itself in front of our eyes around this time last year.
In the interests of providing you with the full Lady in the Water experience, I'm letting you in on the dialogue my brain had with itself while trying to process nearly two minutes of what the fuck? Enjoy!
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Well, we got people playing by a pool, so summer movie, I guess.
And crazy random shots of butterflies with an overbearing string accompaniment, so pretentious movie, I guess.
And, hey! It's every-shlub Paul Giamatti! And he's … plumbing!
His name appears to be "Cleveland," so you know he's all working class. Privileged white girls get named after states like Montana or Dakota. Blue-collar plumbers are named after cities.
Looks like he's the Super for this apartment complex. The violins make me think he's kind of a sad dude.
For real. If it weren't for the violins, that soul-crushed look on his hangdog face might not have been enough.
Damn, that is a nice-looking apartment building, though. He should be happy he keeps such a clean complex.
Oh, but look. He lives in a little hobbit home at the edge of the woods. He is sequestered away from the pretty condo because he lives in Frodo's house.
And now the violins are doing some trilly thing which makes me think he's also a Russian immigrant. Like he's Fivel and he's looking for his family.
Doubtful. He's a writer, though. Like he was in Sideways. Bet he won't get Oscar nominated for this one either.
Well, not after that title card. "Once Upon a Time …"?
Yeah, not even Spielberg gets away with that shit anymore.
Oh, fuck! You know what this movie is?
It's the new Shyamalan. He finds a mermaid in the pool. Watch.
Well thank you for ruining the last seventy seconds!
His name is Cleveland Heep?! Are they kidding me?
Oh, that's very Shyamalan. Because it goes for poignant, yet it comes off as …
Illiterate? Because of the Uriah factor?
Right, because I'm pretty sure Giamatti's not supposed to be making us think of prog rock or a Dickens villain.
That's not …
Groban. Josh fucking Groban.
Singing in Italian.
Kiiiiiill me now.
Oooh! A splash in the pool. Is it human or fish?
Depends on how lonely Giamatti is.
Oh, hell, who did I hear plays the mermaid?
No. It's some name actress.
Daryl Hannah is a name actress.
An actress whose name means anything in this, the 21st century.
Daryl Hannah was just in Kill Bill!
It's not Daryl Hannah! You're just thinking of Splash.
Well just wait a second and they'll show her.
Dude, this is Shyamalan. We probably won't see her until the final reel, when she's revealed to be a character from Uriah's children's book that he's writing.
Oooh! That's a good twist.
Whoa, that's the whole thing? A ripple in the water and a title?
Aint called a teaser for nothing.
Oh, wait. Shot of Giamatti from water-cam.
Yeah, that aint doing him any favors.
For real, dude. And bes- … Oh, you have got to be joking.
Wow. That was just … wow.
"A Bedtime Story, Written and Directed by M. Night Shyamalan"
Do you think he got that put in the contract?
"Director's name, credits, and pretentious description of movie get above-title billing."
His name seriously took up the whole screen.
Even Quentin Tarantino saw that trailer and was like "dude, you're being a little full of yourself."
"How many of you are there?"
Don't believe her when she tells you, Paul! She's setting you up for the twist!
She's secretly a fragile super-villian!
She's secretly dead!
She's secretly from the early 1800s!
She's secretly vulnerable to water!
Oh, like that's gonna be any worse than what the actual twist is.
True. You wonder how many times he can go to the same we- …
Shh! Quiet, dude, it's the Narnia trailer!
Aww, yeah. Aslan like a motherfucker!