Far be it from me to crib an idea from ESPN Page 2's truly loathsome Dan Shanoff, but I have to admit when the dude beats me to a good idea. In his "Daily Quickie" column, Dan partakes in the Festivus tradition of the Airing of Grievances. Which is most definitely a holiday tradition I'm interested in perpetuating. So let's get this started. I've got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!
Tom Cruise, you haven't done anything crazy in months. I can't live off the Oprah couch incident and the water-squirting picture forever. Plus, I watched War of the Worlds last night, and I kept wanting to punch you in the face. Speaking of which …
Steven Spielberg. You might want to learn how to end a movie. You've only been directing movies for thirty years, after all. Don't just end shit. And don't make that ending lamer than fucking Signs.
Johnny Damon. I hate you, I hate your Jesus face, I hate your stupid book, and I hate your stripper wife. It took me a long damn time to warm up to Clemens and A-Rod. It's gonna take you even longer.
George Bush. Stop listening in on my phone calls! Perv.
ABC Family Channel. If you're gonna show those stop-motion Rankin/Bass Christmas specials all day, every day, you mind tossing me the Heat Miser every once in awhile? Instead of Rudolph's Shiny New Year? Oh, and stop airing 7th Heaven every time I want to watch a Gilmore Girls episode. In fact, just stop airing 7th Heaven.
Brett Ratner. You're ruining Wolverine for the rest of us. And your "X-Mas" card looks ri-goddamn-diculous.
Peggy Noonan. I swear to Jeebus, if I see you on TV one more time hawking your stupid John Paul II book and talking about what saintly crusaders for humanity effing Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher were, I'm going to … change the channel, again. But angrily.
Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney. Annulments are for when you marry your fiance's twin brother by mistake. Not for when you realize your husband is gay and you're too anorexic to bear children. Because y'all would have known that if you'd spent more than seven minutes together before getting hitched.
Michael Kors. I've got your Barefoot Appalachia Lil' Abner Barbie right here. Raymundo was awesome! Okay, the dress was ass, but he deserved a second chance. Especially over damn Andrae. I hope Nina Garcia punches you in the balls.
Craig Bierko. You were so, so, SO horrible in Cinderella Man. Like, worse than you usually are. And close your mouth, dude. You're catching flies.
Tyra Banks. Just, stop. Stop. Stop talking. Please.
Old Man Winter. Wake up, pops! It's a day until Christmas, it's raining here, and everything outside looks brown and sludgy and gross. I don't want snow for the next three months, but it'd be picturesque to have it for the next three days. Get to work.
Now, since Festivus is nothing if not a communal holiday, I urge all of you to air your own Festivus grievances. While you do that, I'll retrieve the aluminum pole. And prepare for the feats of strength.