Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Three Thoughts on a Finished Baseball Season

01 – The Yankees lost to the Angels and are out of the playoffs. Confession time, guys: I haven't blogged about the Yanks since July 15th (A-Rod and Mariano's "Toepick!" photo). There was a reason for that. I don't know if you were made aware by the constant media harping, but the Yanks had a very up-and-down season. And it seemed like every time they were up, I'd pop on here to rave about them, and like clockwork, they'd take a downward spiral. Me being the ridiculously superstitious sports fan that I am, I pledged not to jinx my team by writing about them. Alas, this strategy (and, okay, some pretty gutsy play by the actual athletes) only took them so far, and the season is over. Naturally, irony would have it that now that I'm free to speak at length about A-Rod's awesome (and yet, probably not MVP-worthy) season, Randy Johnson's anger issues, Mike Mussina's legacy of bad playoff hoodoo, Hideki Matsui's pathological lack of clutch play (SEVEN runners left on base last night!), or my deep and abiding love for Robinson Cano, I don't really want to. Because I am sad. Of course, the sadness has been tempered, somewhat, by one fact . . .

02 – The Red Sox got swept. Thank freaking god. And El Duque was the guy who slammed the door on them. Good for him. In the end, though, I wouldn't have cared who did what to whom, just so long as this failed experiment in BoSox success came to an end. So, good-bye to Curt "It Probably Wasn't Ketchup on the Sock, But It's Fun To Make Sox Fans' Heads Explode By Suggesting It Was" Schilling, Johnny "Pert Plus is My Co-Pilot" Damon, Mike "Your Stern and Unfunny Uncle" Timlin, Edgar "You Bring the Headlights, He'll Bring the Deer" Renteria, Manny "I Will Pull This Contract Shit Until the Day I Die Because I'm Good at Hitting a Ball" Ramirez, and David "I'm More Afraid of Him Than the Grim Hand of Death" Ortiz. See maybe one of you when the Yanks play at Fenway next year!

03 - Bartolo Colon? "Cheers" called. They say your barstool has been empty for a few weeks now. They hope you'll be back soon. Alternatively: Since you've already clearly stolen Horatio Sanz's face, body, and posture, here's hoping you at least left him with his raging weed habit, unprofessional inability to keep a straight face in skits, and general unfunniness. Or else, what will he have left? Finally: Thanks, Bartolo. You've just convinced John Travolta that he's in good enough shape to star in baseball movies.


'Thought & Humor' said...

We work like a horse.
We eat like a pig.
We like to play chicken.
You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake.
We get dog tired.
We can be as quiet as a mouse.
We can be as quick as a cat.
Some of us are as strong as an ox.
People try to buffalo others.
Some are as ugly as a toad.
We can be as gentle as a lamb.
Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish.
We can be as proud as a peacock.
A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
You can get a frog in your throat.
We can be a lone wolf.
But I'm having a whale of a time!

You have a riveting web log
and undoubtedly must have
atypical & quiescent potential
for your intended readership.
May I suggest that you do
everything in your power to
honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
Designer/Architect as well
as your revering audience.
As soon as we acknowledge
this Supreme Designer/Architect,
Who has erected the beauteous
fabric of the universe, our minds
must necessarily be ravished with
wonder at this infinate goodness,
wisdom and power.

Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity
under heaven. A time to be
born and a time to die. A
time to plant and a time to
harvest. A time to kill and
a time to heal. A time to
tear down and a time to
rebuild. A time to cry and
a time to laugh. A time to
grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones
and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a
time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear
and a time to mend. A time
to be quiet and a time to
speak up. A time to love
and a time to hate. A time
for war and a time for peace.

Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
Dr. Howdy

'Thought & Humor'

P.S. One thing of which I am sure is
that the common culture of my youth
is gone for good. It was hollowed out
by the rise of ethnic "identity politics,"
then splintered beyond hope of repair
by the emergence of the web-based
technologies that so maximized and
facilitated cultural choice as to make
the broad-based offerings of the old
mass media look bland and unchallenging
by comparison."

Joe R. said...

See, I'd probably delete this comment, considering it's spammy and creepy-religious and such. But . . . I mean, "do
everything in your power to
honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
Designer/Architect as well
as your revering audience"? I couldn't make that up if I tried.