Oh, shit! Almost forgot to make my NFL picks this week. Wouldn't want to pass up an opportunity for ridicule. Now. Since my record the first two weeks is hovering around 2-447, I've decided to shake things up. The fool-proof, iron-clad solution? Pick counter-intuitively. Yes, just like George Costanza, I've realized that if every impulse I have is wrong, the opposite must be right. So I'm picking the teams I think will win, then picking against them. I can't lose!
But if this is going to work, I've got to stick with it. And sticking with it means picking against the Bills and Cleveland over the Colts. Trust me. This is bound to work.
Atlanta (+2.5) over BUFFALO [*Sigh* My Bills did NOT look good last week. At all. But Atlanta hasn't exactly looked all-world this season yet either. Willis McGahee really needs to step it up.]
ST. LOUIS (-6.5) over Tennessee [I knew I should have picked the Titans last week. You'd think that the Rams are a decent bet at home. But seeing as at this point, my NFL mind has been reduced to mush . . . meh.]
Oakland (+8.5) over PHILADELPHIA [I'm not as terrified of making this pick as I probably should be.]
Cincinnati (-3) over CHICAGO [Road game against a good defense could very well neutralize Carson Palmer.]
NY JETS (-2.5) over Jacksonville [Poor Chad Pennington. Poor, poor Chad Pennington.]
MINNESOTA (-4) over New Orleans [In keeping with my "opposite" theme: I love you, Daunte Culpepper. Go remain celibate with yourself.]
MIAMI (+3) over Carolina [Unless the Panthers have a giant letdown . . .]
Cleveland (+13.5) over INDIANAPOLIS [The future of my fantasy football team rests on the legs of Reuben Droughns. I'm going to go cry now.]
GREEN BAY (+3.5) over Tampa Bay [Respect the Cadillac! Fear the Cadillac!]
SEATTLE (-6.5) over Arizona [My gut tells me the game should remain close. Shut up, gut.]
New England (+3) over PITTSBURGH [I love how New England fans act like it’s a personal affront to them that the Steelers are favored at home in a regular season matchup they won last year when the Pats were coming off a record setting winning streak instead of an unexpected loss like this year. Go cry yourselves to sleep on your giant Super Bowl rings, you insufferable bastards.]
Dallas (-6.5) over SAN FRANCISCO [Oh how the once-mighty matchups have fallen.]
NY Giants (+5.5) over SAN DIEGO [This is a good proving ground matchup for the '05 Giants. I will not pretend to have a good bead on this game.
DENVER (-3) over Kansas City [So, is Ron Dayne the next out-of-nowhere Denver running sensation? Yet another prediction doomed to failure!]