The Emmy Awards are on Sunday. Try to contain your excitement. Although with Ellen Degeneres hosting and the lunatic decision to allow William Shatner (among others) to sing in an American Idol-style competition, there might be something worth watching besides the horrible awards choices after all.
Speaking of which, here are my Calaveras County compulsive predictions for said awards:
Best Comedy Series: Sadly, it seems like defending champ Arrested Development takes a back seat in the race to the retiring old nag (Everybody Loves Raymond) and the shiny new . . . show about nags (Desperate Housewives). Bet on the latter “comedy” to win the night.
Best Drama Series: A true toss-up, to my eye. If the Emmys live up to their stuck-in-a-rut reputation, look for The West Wing to win for the umpty-ninth (or, what, fifth?) time. If not, it’s a dogfight between Deadwood (likely too vulgar), 24, and Lost (a pair of entries that might be deemed “too genre”). After that moving Six Feet Under finale, the show has become my sentimental choice, but that goodwill likely came too late for voters. I’m going out on a limb and picking 24, since it would figure that the first season of this show that I disliked would be the Emmy winner.
Best Actor – Comedy: My heart is with the newbies in this category, Jason Bateman and Zach Braff. Bateman might have a shot, but he’ll have to deal with a departing Ray Romano and past Emmy winners Tony Shaloub and Eric McCormack. I will pessimistically pick Romano.
Best Actor – Drama: Everyone seems to think this one is between Deadwood’s Ian McShane and House’s Hugh Laurie. But I’m putting my money on Keifer Sutherland, who has strangely emerged as the old salty dog of this category.
Best Actress – Comedy: It’s either Patricia Heaton or a Housewife. Teri Hatcher got the Golden Globe, but the Globes never warmed to Raymond like the Emmys have. Still, I think the zeitgeist will propel Hatcher to the win here, while everyone else grumbles about how Marcia Cross was better. And she is, but, with Housewives being (fraudulently?) pushed as a comedy, Hatcher’s role is the most clearly comedic. She wins.
Best Actress – Drama: Conventional wisdom says Glenn Close walks away with this, but I get the feeling this is one of those instances where conventional wisdom falls on its ass. There are four possibilities here: one is Close winning in the non-upset. One is Jennifer Garner capitalizing on her fame ascension and claiming the prize. One is Mariska Hargitay following up her Golden Globe win. And one is Frances Conroy getting a fare-thee-well honor. My prediction is that the latter will occur.
Best Made For TV Movie: I could give a damn about any of the other nominees, I’m just pulling for The Office Special. Doubt it’ll happen, though. The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, most likely. Still.
Best Reality Competition Program: The Amazing Race is the two-time defending champion, but it faces a resurgent Survivor, and a dark horse Project Runway. Still, I’ll bet on the three-peat.
Best Supporting Actor – Comedy: The Entourage hipsters say Jeremy Piven. The people with good taste say Jeffrey Tambor (Arrested Development). But I’ll say, as I have for, like, four years running, that Peter Boyle will finally take home an Emmy for Everybody Loves Raymond. He’s the only cast member who hasn’t won.
Best Supporting Actor – Drama: Victor Garber wasn’t nominated so fuck this noise. Oh, fine. Terry O’Quinn should and will win for Lost. Although watch out for Alan Alda (The West Wing).
Best Supporting Actress – Comedy: Arrested Development’s Jessica Walter is the only acceptable winner. And maybe it’s a temporary case of ill-advised optimism, but I think she could win it. That is, if Doris Roberts ever lets the award out of her cold, dead hands. Thing to watch: Holland Taylor (here nominated for Two and a Half Men) took an out-of-nowhere nomination to an out-of-nowhere win for The Practice in 1999. Could happen again. For now, I’ll pick Walter.
Best Supporting Actress – Drama: The former winners/ladies of a certain age are represented by Tyne Daly and Stockard Channing. The refreshing new faces of color are represented by CCH Pounder and Sandra Oh. I aint crazy enough to bet against Tyne Daly, that miserable bitch who stole the Emmy from Lena Olin, Lauren Ambrose, and Rachel Griffiths back in 2003. Bitter? Never. I’m pulling for Oh, but it’s Tyne who will win it.
And one last pick: Shatner is totally going to win the singing contest. Even if “singing” will have nothing to do with it.