With yet another summer rapidly dwindling away (no more smoking weed in Mom and Pop’s basement, kids; take those bongs to your dorms where they belong), I think it’s time we start to memorialize Summer 2005 for what it was: one of the finest periods of gossip and celeb watching that we’ve had in quite some time.
In case you need a little refresher course in what’s gone down ever since final exams wrapped in May, let me remind you.
We saw . . .
Tom Cruise’s Couch Dance Party
The subsequent Scientology: Truth or Consequences meeting of the minds between Cruise and Matt Lauer.
Katie Holmes’s horrifying One Hundred Teeth of Grinitude smile.
Russell Crowe’s Bruce Banner moment in which an inability to decipher “anytime minutes” was taken out on hotel service staff.
Britney Spears threatening to go Demi Moore on unsuspecting paparazzi at any time.
Mr. and Mrs. Federline proving that not every car wreck can be as mortifyingly watchable as Bobby and Whitney, as their UPN series gets put to sleep.
Jude Law indulging in every Hot Babysitter fantasy he’s ever had, kicking off NannyGate2005.
Sienna Miller’s maybe/kinda/probably/could be pregnancy, which, if nothing else, offers definitive proof that Sadie Frost totally owns a voodoo doll.
Jude Law displaying the Red Hot Nanny Poker for all to see . . . and snicker at.
Owen Wilson's seamless transformation into The Butterscotch Stallion, in all its bum-licking glory.
Paula Abdul continuing to deal with the Corey Clark Is a Skanky Ho fallout, including rumours that she could be replaced by . . . that's right: Whitney Houston.
Kathy Griffin busting out with new and improved ways to mock Ryan Seacrest and Clay Aiken.
Jennifer Garner getting knocked up with the Affletus. And judging by the cranium size of this kid’s parents, I’m thinking Jen’s gonna want to go Cesarian.
The revelation that Michael Jackson is, contrary to what we all stupidly thought, not a child molestor after all, according to the California Justice System. Huh. Man, we were wrong about O.J., too. When will we learn to give celebrities the benefit of the doubt and stop believing the piles and piles of evidence against them? When?
Lindsay Lohan’s journey from America’s Sweetheart to Tara Reid Without The Tits But With A Lot More Coke, As If We Ever Thought That Was Possible.
And finally, the most jaw-dropping celebrity development of them all: Paris Hilton does nothing more scandalous than fuck a hamburger and get hitched to a dude with the same pretentious name as hers. Way to zig while we all zagged, Paris.
To everyone who made Summer 2005 such a gossipy delight, we salute you. May you all have adulterous affairs and drug abuse scandals in your futures.