Okay, you guys. They just announced the cast for this summer’s Big Brother 6. And if you think I’m not dorking out about that and won’t be posting a diatribe or two about it throughout the summer, well: Hi, I’m Joe. Nice to meet you.
This year, the big “twist” in the game is that instead of fourteen individuals, each player has a built-in “ally” in the house – someone they already know and trust. But each “team” thinks they’re the only pair, and nobody will know that there are any pre-existing relationships going on. And . . . whatever. It’s a summer’s worth of repellant personalities, gleeful backstabbing, and the guiltiest pleasures around. Love. It.
And in the spirit of judging people on the shallowest of grounds, I’m going to run down the cast and see what we can glean from the responses each contestant gave to their pre-show questionnaire, in which they were asked things like “favorite actor,” and “favorite outdoor activity.”
Favorites include: Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Will Smith, Usher, The Eagles, amaretto sour.
You’ve seen this girl out at a bar plenty of times. She likes police procedurals (SVU; CSI), hip-hop and classic rock, and flavored decaf coffee. Like her or not, folks, April is America in 2005. Weep for us and root against her.
Favorites include: Black-Eyed Peas, Crystal Light, Coldplay, Mariah Carey, and The Sopranos. She likes Angelina Jolie and Meg Ryan, which seems almost impossible. She also likes the New York Knicks and the Miami Heat, which either makes her a faithless sports hussy or Pat Reilly’s daughter (ooh! Secret relative twist!). Although she spells it “New York Nicks,” so maybe she really means that she likes Nicholas Turturro and Nikki Hilton.
Redeeming quality: She lists Swedish fish as a favorite snack. Girlfriend can’t be all bad.
Favorites include: Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, E!, “sweet martinis like apple or coconut,” Clueless, Legally Blonde, dance and pop music, and Gwyneth Paltrow. In other words: gay. G-A-Y. Y? Because: Legally Blonde
Favorites include: The Godfather, Goodfellas, Ladder 49, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, NYPD Blue, Rescue Me (you catching a theme here?), the Red Sox, the Bruins, the Patriots, being Denis Leary (just kidding), peanut butter protein bars, Creed, Van Halen, and he lists “weight training” in front of “spending time with my family” on his list of hobbies. Oh I am just gonna love this one.
Redeeming quality: Lists Whatchamacalit as his favorite candy bar. Those things are like found gold when you come across them in a checkout line or a vending machine.
Favorites include: U2, Star Wars, Mr. Pibb, kickboxing, I Dream of Jeannie, Smallville (homoerotica alert!). His tastes seem to be all over the map, which I am certainly cool with. Erica Eleniak and Lee Majors as favorite actors? A Carolina Hurricanes fan? Pina Coladas and Miller Lite? He’s all kickboxy/meteorology student guy which could equal “cheesier than gouda,” but could also equal “just dorky enough for me to like him.”
Favorites include: The Killers, Johnny Depp, The L Word, cookie dough ice cream, Angelina Jolie, and Milano cookies all sound promising. Anyone who can cop to being a Brittany Murphy fan in 2005, let alone mention Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno among her three favorite TV shows? This chick should be impervious to the judgments of others. Aside from the fact that she lists Miami sports teams as a favorite (I can let her slide since she’s local), Ivette is one I like.
Favorites include: Hannity & Colmes. Need I go on? Really? Twenty-nine years old and a Sean Hannity fan and I need to go further into why he sucks? Okay: The History Channel, Lil’ John, the Miami Heat, the Miami Dolphins, protein bars, and Eva Longoria. This dude has an almost clinical obsession with being “cool” (but in a mainstream way) and a tiny, tiny penis.
Redeeming quality: He likes Raisin Bran Crunch cereal. I love how all of my efforts to find something to like about these people amount to “we both eat food.”
Favorites Include: The Miami Heat, the . . . okay wait a second. That’s five of the first eight people I’ve mentioned who like the Miami Heat. What the fuck? I know they’re coming two-by-two this year, but did casting just head to a playoff game and pick these guys out of the concession lines? Anyhoo . . . Sex and the City, No Doubt, cheerleading, house and trance music, Gone With the Wind, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (toss a penis on this one and we’ve found Beau a boyfriend), Edward Norton and Charlize Theron. She also looks like she’s been molded out of a space-aged polymer and been taught to mimic real human emotions almost exactly. And she’s not just a cocktail waitress. She’s a V.I.P. cocktail waitress. She only serves watered-down manhattans and gets slapped on the ass by the elite.
Favorites include: Johnny Depp, Topher Grace, and Owen Wilson. Girlfriend’s trying. Jennifer Aniston, Eva Longoria, Penelope Cruz. Girlfriend’s failing. Vanilla Sky, Good Will Hunting, and Fight Club. I can deal with this. Black Eyed Peas, Sex and the City, and being an Arena Football League dancer. Uh-oh. She likes Swedish fish (another ally!) and “arts and crafts” (dear lord, don’t let her scream about it like Karen did last year). Bottom line: even if she annoys you, she still might make you a coaster out of popsicle sticks. It’s not all bad.
Favorites include: Nothing. Seriously, this dude left more than half his questionnaire blank. And he got cast! Which means he’s either a walking personality disorder who will start fights with everyone in the house, or his partner in the game is willing to have sex on camera. Of the favorite things he will cop to, Penelope Cruz looks to be the most damning and 100 Grand candy bars the most encouraging.
Favorites include: The Usual Suspects, Malibu Rum, the Dave Matthews Band, Cracklin’ Oat Bran (awesome), the Boston Red Sox, and the New England Patriots. Now far be it from me to think that any two Red Sox fans in a room have to be connected (especially when the entire Miami Heat bench seems to have been cast here), but Maggie just might be a blood relation to Eric, only less obsessed with becoming the next Colin Quinn. She’s also one of the distressingly numerous contestants to list “water” as a favorite non-alcoholic beverage. Why not just list “breathing air” as a hobby? I love me some H2O, too, but let’s leave the Bobby Boucher stuff at home, shall we?
Favorites include: The Lord of the Rings, The Simpsons, Ian McKellan, Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett, Guns ‘n’ Roses, tennis, Sambuca, and soccer. Oh please, oh please don’t let this guy turn out to be a jerk or an idiot. Because, seriously. Love this guy. Although . . . oh, dammit. Looks like he used to be in Lord of the Dance. Ah, well. It was a good thing Michael and I had, once.
Favorites include: Practical Magic, Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock, Barenaked Ladies, riding horses, Notre Dame, margaritas, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. This one’s hard to pin down. On the one hand, she’s a football fan, appreciates Will Ferrell, and likes weird movies. On the other hand, she likes weird movies that suck, Notre Dame is everything I’ve ever hated, and who lists Keanu Reeves as a favorite actor?
Favorites include: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, the Chicago bears, working out, Pete Yorn, any music but rap, Corona, and she snacks on fruits and vegetables. Ooh, we’ve got our house aerobics instructor. That always makes for thrilling mid-week filler. Honestly, I can’t get a bead on her. Barrymore and Sandler? Does that tell me anything about her? She likes any movies that are funny or romantic? I’ll come up with a clever quip to that as soon as I wake up.