Friday, June 10, 2005

MTV: Making Crappy Movies Popular since 1981

Some very short notes on the MTV Movie Awards, since I only watched about 65% of them:

Wow, Jimmy Fallon. Way to be absolutely the least funny person in history. Some of those jokes were so old they’d been sealed up in the Y2K time capsules. I mean . . . “my bad”? Didn’t that go out with “don’t go there”? And is it me or does he seem to be drifting into that Chris Rock “blaccent” even when he’s not doing an impression? That was very distracting. He has no delivery for stand-up material. It was embarrassing. Speaking of which . . .

Hey, look, it’s Eminem! Can I just say how nice it is to have been able to ignore this latest iteration of Marshall Mathers almost completely? Because it has. I guess now that nobody gets into a huff over calling Moby a fag the hardcore publicity has been harder to come by. And . . . he’s hitched his wagon to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Crank Yankers puppets? Jeez. I thought the Michael Jackson / Pee Wee Herman stuff was embarrassing. I suppose his new affiliations make sense, though, since the only thing more pseudo-edgy than Eminem these days would be puppets who say naughty words.

The stupid thing about the MTV Movie Awards is that the flicks they’re awarding are so old. I mean, Mean Girls? I love it, but that was twelve months, two bra sizes and several bottles of peroxide ago for our Lindsay Lohan. Napoleon Dynamite I only wish we’d forgotten about, but any stroll through a Hot Topic will tell you that this annoying pop culture trend is lingering for now. It’s not like anyone cares about the actual awards, but still. Live in the now, MTV.

At this point I think we have to come up with new words to describe the discomfort of seeing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes in public. It’s the creepiest interpersonal dynamic ever. I’m starting to think she’s even creepier than he is. Starting with the fact that when she smiles all uncontrollably her face looks horrifying. Like it’s going to eat itself or something. I’d have given all the money in creation for Tom to have turned to the crowd after receiving his award and be all “And you thought this wouldn’t last,” and then bending Katie over for The Second Least Convincing Heterosexual Kiss Ever.

I have to say, I went into the Breakfast Club tribute ready to hate it. Mostly because this mythical “MTV audience” they keep referring to were about five years pre-fetal when this movie came out. But the clips got shown and there was Ally Sheedy looking all strung out and skinny and awesome and Molly Ringwald was a bit more cherubic but I still kind of loved her and my god what a world we live in where Anthony Michael Hall is the lone Brat Packer with a career anymore. So I enjoyed seeing that, I must admit. But what exactly were Emilio Estevez and Judd Nelson doing that they couldn’t attend? Dinner theatre performance of “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Our Careers Are Dead”?

Overall it was a big ol’ mess. The mini-movies and skits are, at this point, just pale imitations of their predecessors. Even Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson couldn’t make much hay out of their material (although the adorable Justin Long tried his best). Jimmy Fallon should be led out behind the shed and shot. Napoleon Dynamite should take his flippin’ vocal tics and fade away quietly. And Rachel McAdams needs to stop being the Hillary Swank of the MTV Awards. The last person to win that many awards at once was, like, Sharon Stone. And we all know how that turned out.


Carlie said...

What was the First Most Least Convincing Heterosexual Kiss ever?

and I'm impressed you made it through the awards at all....i purposely left the house! lol

Joe R. said...

Ahh, the Least Convincing Heterosexual Kiss Ever. Michael Jackson. Lisa Marie Presley. MTV Video Music Awards. The world would never be the same again.